Toad Road (2012)

Updated: On this fine, cold, snowy, icy, February 15th, 2014,  I would like to point out, since my point may have been missed, that the real life death of the lead is not more incentive to see this film, but it has turned this film into a weird sort of metafiction. Also, this day has brought to us the inclusion of a link to a review by the person I heavily quoted. His blog is much better for movie reviews than mine, except for this entry, and a few others where I talk about movies. 

Visit him here: For It Is Man's Number 

Update: Yet another person I spent time with in prison has reviewed this film. 

Visit him here: Horror 101 w/Dr. A.C.

I hate writing movie reviews, unless it's a film I absolutely cannot live without. This is not one of those cases, so I'll be brief. Toad Road is a psychedelic horror film, one that uses characters on drugs, a few bad-trip moments, a real urban legend involving the pursuit of the Seven Gates of Hell, and then leaves you with either an unsettling ending, or an unsattisfying one, depending on what you're looking for. If you're tired of seeing trip movies shot by people who have only heard wild stories of LSD weekends, this one has a much more accurate portrayal. If you've ever seen the Harmony Korine and Larry Clark film, Kids (1995), imagine that meets Marble Hornets, but involving a lot of drugs and haunting atmosphere. It's only 75 minutes, so it's not much of a commitment, but be warned that the majority of people hated it.

While nowhere near a perfect film, my friends started heavily bashing it, with one claiming that it was "one of the bigger pieces of shit I have watched on Netflix in recent months." He didn't actually write about it, so I'll not waste my time linking to his less popular blog. When I made the comment that the star had died from an overdose, he responded, "Her death from drugs means I have to entirely re-evaluate my opinion of the movie. Wait, no, it's still a piece of dogshit." The thing is, I respect his opinion on films and agree with most of what he reviews, so I was baffled why it was hated so much. Because of this, I figured maybe the reason I liked it was because I heard the story of the lead actress, Sara Anne Jones, long before the film was released. Naturally, I forgot all about the damn thing until the hate came, but having reread the same article and then watched the film, I rather enjoyed it and hope you do, too.

1. Start by reading this 

article about the female lead.

2. If you've never done hallucinogens, 

read this article next (otherwise, skip it or do drugs).

3. Read the Wiki page about the Seven Gates of Hell.

4. Watch the movie, or if you're still 

waiting around for some odd reason and 

you're a metal fan, listen to this video.

Jack Parsons

I have a pounding headache today and don't feel like doing much so here are two things. One, I was asked by a random member of the Anti-Social Club if I would be interested in participating in a discussion about my "work" here for her thesis on personality. No. Two, I was just now looking up Jack Williamson's wiki when I cam across Jack Parsons, again, since I've read about him before. There is something really interesting about people who have anything to do with space travel AND the occult. I'll leave you to make your own conclusions. 

Jack Parsons' Wiki

Bill Nye versus David Icke

The most shocking thing about last night's debate was that Ken Ham was a better orator than Bill Nye. Now before anyone gets butt hurt and goes on the defensive, it just means he was a better speaker, as in he didn't pause, always had an answer, and if you had never read a science book and were easily swayed, you'd be a creationist right now. But apparently I watched an entirely different debate than everyone else.

"Bill Nye just tore Ken Ham a new one!" The debate was very civil. I expected that from Bill Nye, but I didn't know anything about Ken Ham, except that he put the local crypto-watch on red alert when the truck delivering his dinosaur models crashed and sent several into the river. The Creation Museum in my home state of Kentucky, just so you know.

"Bill Nye made America look stupid with their beliefs!" ...The debate was very civil. I still expected that from Bill Nye, but I admit that Ken Ham is a complete moron. I don't really understand his logic. If my car breaks down on the side of the road, I don't open up the bible and turn to Mechanesis 12:20 to try and figure out how to fix it.

"Bill Nye and 96% of scientists don't believe in God!" Right, because last night's debate was another war among the religious and atheists. Also, your numbers are completely wrong. For the past 100 years, the number of scientist who believe in a god or equivalent has been about the same, roughly half. The rest are going to Hell. But I think you misinterpreted a completely different survey.

"Wake up, America!!! Science is the new religion!" This was a status update by the same idiot from above. I have a minor in sociology, so I feel I have a right to stereotype and categorize people. Since the definitions of science and religion are drastically different, I'll just call you an idiot and categorize you among the highly emotional people who make poor statements.  

"Bill Nye doesn't realize half of people don't go to church in Kentucky." This was actually true. Just to clarify, most people here are Christian by culture. About half of them are not affiliated with a church. Nearly 99% don't really care which one is right, creationism or evolution, since it doesn't impact there lives at all. 100% of the Anti-Social Club takes the opposite stance in everything, because that's what we do.

"How do both of you explain Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch? If it is a natural creature, where does it fit on the evolutionary chain? If it was created by God... why?" Okay, that last question was mine and it was asked during the debates and ignored by both sides. What are you guys afraid of? The truth? I don't appreciate being ignored. David Icke would have answered me.

And so 96% of people who invoke the holy name of Bill Nye were trying to look smarter than they were, but roughly half of them were complete idiots. Basically, if you were dumb before you watched the debate, you're going to be just as dumb after watching the debate. It's great you worship some dork in a bow tie over some Australian businessman who is 100% certain Jesus rode dinosaurs, but goddamn, get a life.

Start Here

Beware Who You're Funding

You know, I sat here thinking to myself, let's do a little tongue in cheek entry about some guy who likes to prey on young, impressionable teenagers, but then I told myself it's not really a laughing matter. I'm specifically talking about Rocky Perry and the Obsession With Teenage Girls. Okay, that was a jab at the lame titles he comes up with for his books. Maybe I'm being overly critical of his failed endeavors, such as getting young girls to meet him in motel rooms, but maybe I'm not. 

What bothers me is his limited success in being published and now funding a web series based on one of his stories. I'm sure that the production company has no clue they are dealing with a weirdo who hasn't been tried, convicted, imprisoned, and assaulted by fellow inmates who nicknamed him Play-Dough. But it is a scary world when someone like this can drift through society, having anything to do with teaching, I am very sympathetic to people with disabilities, and who isn't? But a reading disability like Dyslexia doesn't exactly excuse preying on teenagers; you're not Rocky Dennis, motherfucker.

A portion of proceeds 

goes to reviving Eric Stoltz' 

acting career.

Which Hollywood Director Are You?

You scored: Roman Polanski!!!

You're not weird and eccentric toward your sort of 

step-daughter like Woody Allen, or completely perverse 

in your lust for preteen boys like Victor Saliva, but you 

sit firmly between them with your thwarted plans for 

teenage girls just like Roman Polanski.  

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, having the shit beat out of them by a large, scary man who wanted nothing but their life in exchange for their attempted trespass against his daughter, is purely coincidental, and I'm in no way acquainted with relatives of said fictitious teenager.

The Day the Music Died

Today marks the day that Buddy Holly inadvertently killed two other musicians. Not trying to make light of the incident, but Big Popper and Ritchie Valens weren't the original people supposed to fly. Instead, it was Holly (who chartered the plane,) his bassist, Waylon Jennings, and his guitarist, Tommy Allsup. Because he was sick, Jennings gave up his seat to the Big Bopper. To be a cool cat, Allsup flipped a coin with Valens for the remaining seat, and lost. Roger Peterson was the young and inexperienced pilot who may have read one of the instruments wrong, causing the crash. 

Their last will and testament is The Day the Music Died by Don McLean; he sucks. I mean, really, name another great song by him. If you said Vincent, you have poor taste in music. Luckily he was able to put out that one, epic song that everyone knows to honor the fallen. I never knew about this incident until I saw the film, La Bamba, and now every time I hear a Valens song, it makes me sad. Ironically, what made me remember today's historic event was Esai Morales (Bob) posting something unrelated on Facebook. Small world. 

Before Sons of Anarchy was cool.

Groundhog Day Is Stupid

I get that it's a popular tradition, thanks to Bill Murray. I also get that it's part of someone's culture and has been around for awhile. But regardless of if the groundhog sees it's shadow or not, the season of winter isn't over until more than six weeks later. Even taking that into account, the stupid animal is only correct with it's prediction 39% of the time, or the equivalent of Sylvia Browne. 
I guess I could use this space to be trendy and point out the corporate greed of the latter, but that's been done to death now by the entire internet. But being as we don't get Groundhog Day as a paid holiday, and we also don't get Valentines Day either, we should combine the two. Groundhogtine Day would celebrate both groundhog meteorology and the deeds of St. Valentine, as well as the unreliability of both. Even better, furries will be left alone for the entire day and no jokes will be made about them. Okay, the last part is a stretch. 

How much wood would you chuck?

Groundhogs

Saint V

You Deserve Minimum Wage

I'm all for rich people making less money and having to pay hard workers more money than they currently do. I also get that living off minimum wage is very challenging and there are people trying to do that while raising kids. But seriously, how much money do you really want for flipping burgers and changing out fries?  I'm not going to harp on the injustices of the pay scale as it relates to what you do, but I am going to say that menial jobs should only get menial pay. Manual laborer is something anyone can do and that's exactly why it pays so little. Hostess had a union; they made Twinkies. That shit went bankrupt. You really don't need to pay someone $20 an hour to put cupcakes in a box, or watch a machine do it for you because it doesn't require a skill. Instead it requires an IQ barely above functioning.

I personally have a unique skill set that not too many people have, and while I certainly don't make minimum wage, I've complained a few times about my lack of opportunity at my current employer, particularly on how to increase my own income. But in life I've bounced around a lot. I've learned a hell of a lot. I've worked in everything from reconnaissance (didn't get paid) to management systems (didn't get paid) to fiber optics infrastructure (... got paid) and I'm stuck doing what I do. I could leave and do something else, but that would require a big change I currently like the stock options and retirement I'm building here. Maybe I've been given more opportunities than other people (I haven't,) but there comes a time when you need to go out an diversify yourself. Don't want to make minimum wage? Learn something besides what you're doing and get a different job. It really is that simple. 

Have it your way.

I Don't Care About the Super Bowl.

The last time I watched the Super Bowl was January 22nd, 1989. I was still in grade school and our hometown team, the Cincinnati Bengals, went against the San Francisco 49ers for the second time. It was easily Cincinnati's best football team in the history of their franchise. 6 players went to the Pro Bowl, including James Brooks, one of the best running backs to ever play the game. They also had the best quarterback in the league in Boomer Esiason. At half time, these teams recorded the first ever halftime tie, 3 - 3. As can be predicted, the Bengals lost and haven't had a team worth a shit since.

In the end, Boomer Esiason is a prick who probably rarely signs autographs, I've had dinner with Chris Collinsworth at Mio's Pizzaria, and James Brooks is receiving inventory at my work. None of the previous statements are untrue, sadly. In short, I cared once, but the reality set in that if I'm going to make it in this world, I can't depend on the Cincinnati Bengals to get me there; I have to do it on my own.

Only Black People Watch TV at 4 AM

I fell asleep earlier tonight while watching television with my favorite damsel. Waking up after midnight, not hungry enough to terrorize the neighbors, there is nothing left to do but watch the season finale of American Horror Story before tuning in to whatever else involves murder. It was about 4 AM when I decided to get on the internet while watching Deadly Women. Three commercials back to back had only black actors in them, for a total of 11 actors across all three. The first commercial didn't depict any people. The last commercial was an advertisement for another show, which cancelled my suspicion that maybe I was watching BET. 

Look, I'm not going to say all television marketing is racist, and I get that if you're going to scam people into your project, it certainly may help if the target can identify as much as possible with the actors in your commercial. Depictions of working-class black women will certainly appeal more to working-class black women, but this is the United States and the majority of commercials have white people, the occasional token black, an out of place Latino, rarely Asians, and sometimes Others.

I don't expect to see a Kentuckian of questionable ancestry anytime soon, nor am I questioning race and ethnicity in commercials, but I am questioning it at 4 in the morning. Do advertisers think only blacks watch television that early, or was it a fluke placement? If nothing else, for once, the commercials depicted authentic portrayals of blacks, they didn't look like they were exploited for entertainment value, and basically you couldn't tell they were written by rich white kids whose only exposure to people outside of their culture is their South Korean-born gardener and MTV. This was just something I found really odd. 

This image is to help me NOT make a joke about 

Mississipi and slavery. No, no, I still can't forget 

they just now outlawed it last year. 

For Just $.10 a Day You're Insane

It's really cold outside and I didn't feel like doing anything, pretty much like everybody who lives in cold climates, or those who live in a climate that gets four extreme seasons, like me, and it's now zero degrees. When I'm laying around the house doing nothing, I tend to watch TV, mindless shows like Pawn Stars, The First 48, Dangerous Grounds, as well as educational ones, like Doomsday Preppers, Ancient Aliens, and any show that takes place in Alaska. Apparently, marketing research has suggested that people who view these programs have big hearts and like to open up their savings to helping out the less fortunate. 
I can feed a third-world child for just $.50 (US) a day. It's a heartbreaking commercial, emaciated kids with large, innocent eyes staring at you, just needing some food and some meds. It also helps that the UNICEF ambassador is Alyssa Milano and I've seen her naked. It's more difficult to turn someone down when you have history like that. Then an hour later, I see another commercial, this one with cats and dogs, cold, shivering, mistreated, yeah, it's horrible, and it costs $.60 (US) a day. This is where I'm confused. I can help a small child, on another continent, for $.10 less than helping animals down the street? Sure, I'm overlooking all the overhead between me donated and the treatment my child/animal gets, but why would I pay more money to help animals instead of little kids of my own species? Now if this was save the wolves, I'm sure I'd take a different stance (I'm half animal myself), but I think anyone who places the lives of another species above those of their own don't really have a good sense of nature and might want to re-evaluate their place in the world. Yes, this is coming from a misanthrope. 

 You paid $.60 a day so this dog could sleep with 

Sara McLachlan, when you could have paid me $.00.

No, They Don't Have a Personality Disorder

Doctors always complain about their patients coming in and reading off a list they got on Web MD and have self-diagnosed themselves with everything but hypochondria. Of course, they're wrong, the doctor tells them they are, and then they go to another doctor, who tells them the same thing. It is estimated (by myself) that 8 billion dollars (US) are wasted every year by people going in for check ups on illnesses they do not have. Since I am a learned man in the field of psychology, people often ask me for advice. I don't mind it, but I always tell them I am not a therapist and also not very experienced with assisting those in any type of mental distress, aside from relieving the stresses (I also cause) in women. Over just the past few years, more than a half dozen people have told me they think someone they know has a personality disorder. Believe it or not, psychiatrists usually don't consult Wikipedia before making a diagnosis. They're schooled, trained, and then gain the valuable experience by interacting with patients. Not saying some don't slip through the cracks, but most people with personality disorders, as in practically all of them, are harmless, except to themselves. Unless you met your boyfriend via prison pen pals, he probably doesn't have antisocial personality disorder, so stop with the bullshit assessments, since you're obviously projecting your own cognitive biases off on someone else. You know who you are. Well, unless you're paranoid, then it's probably not you. Probably. 

A classic example of ASPD.

January 27th

January 27th, 1978. It was 15 degrees outside. January 27th, 2014. It was 15 degrees outside. A clairvoyant, ironically named Claire, once told me I would be dead at 35. She was obviously wrong. While she was correct that I would go on to achieve international greatness, her inability to be accurate beyond guessing has led me to believe she was not authentic. I went to the hospital where I was born. They no longer deliver babies there, having finally perfected the art 36 years ago, so I instead talked with people there in administrative capacities, and a few getting dialysis. Stopped by my PO Box for presents. Hit up C&D's record bar and Phil's Records, both places the Hipsters forgot, I guess because they weren't opened by people with dark-rimmed glasses, beards, flannels, and shit taste in music. Oh, and they've been there since forever ago, having shopped the former with my mom as a kid, and the latter with my uncle as a teen. Had to go to the doctor's office for my controlled substance prescription and drop that off. I headed to the court house to get my tags renewed. Only in Kenton Count can you NOT take care of all your car needs in the same building. Plates and registration is in the old building. Driver's License and renewal is in another building a few blocks away. Makes sense. The sheriffs always eye you like you're a criminal; get a real job, desk jockey. Then to the butcher shop for pork steaks. They taste like ribs, but with less bone, more fat and meat. Butcher shops tend to sell them cheap. Places like Kroger tend to rip you off and charge a dollar (US) more a pound. Normally I would do something outside, but it's too damn cold. Now dinner with the family. That's a day in my life. 

This is all that matters. 

Happy Birthday, Stan Yale

It's not normally my territory to cover unknown actors, but today marks the 77th birthday of Stan Yale, a guy who has played  a homeless person more times than I can count on both hands. I stopped counting at around a dozen and the list went on. Imagine you're an extra in a film called The Terminator, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and a bunch of people everyone else has by now forgotten, when you get typecast to play the same role, over and over.  Similarly, Schwarzenegger went on to play the same role as well, that of an out of place, Austrian-born meathead. Had the casting been reversed, Stan would have been the governor of California and making love to Maria Shriver.  

That son of a bitch took my pants.

Stan Yale IMDB Page

Stephen Hawking Was Wrong!!!!!$*^#^*$

We all know that people giving big, 

important messages have to wear gloves. 

-Willis Earl Beal

No, he wasn't. As I've pointed out before, there is an overwhelming obsession with a) being right on the internet, and b) pointing out when everyone is wrong on the internet. Both of these stem from having a small penis, hence you see so few women on message boards being pretentious douche-bags. When Hawking came forth and said there was no escape from a black hole in classical physics, he was right according to theories in that field. However, quantum physics disagreed, repeatedly tea-bagging him and telling him it could, as he sat there, unable to defend himself. You see, when dealing with theories, you don't really know anything. You make a true, educated guess, and then test it. It has to hold up under testing, and to be completely honest, theory is all we have to work with right now on the subject. Scientist are not obsessed with being right. They're not obsessed with proving or disproving anything. They're obsessed with figuring out how things work. Hawking took a step back, looked at two different fields, agreed there needed to be a theory to bring both together, and openly admitted he was still looking for that answer. That's how science works; it's not a stupid meme with the word "science" written across it, or some jackass who barely understands the model of gravity saying, "It's just science." There is no right or wrong here. I'm right. 

How Stephen Hawking sees himself, 

according to classical and quantum physics.

Angel Coins (This Man Part II)

The same friend who brought up This Man the other day found the angel pennies, known as Angel Coins, and they also have a website. ...and it says they are sold out. How the hell do you run out of guardian angel coins? When God created said guardian angels, you'd assume he created enough for everyone, so when they turned their power over to a copper disc, you'd assume their would still be enough, right? That's where you would be wrong!


If guardian angels are real, they're either working part time, lazy on occasion, or they really did transfer their power to the angel coins. If that's the case, you can buy 3 for the price of 2. That's a great deal, being as they're $29.99 US individually, and personally, you'd be smart for buying that many because then you can work them in shifts, assuming they don't take breaks over the course of 8 hours. But what about the seventh day? Were angels supposed to rest also? 
Augustine Dupre (fancy e) is the one the legend is based around. He was obsessed with angels and put them on all the coins he made, or some of them, I don't know. He was eventually sentenced to death, according to some sources, and no one knows what happened to him after that. I hope he had some Angel Coins. For me, I ordered three of them and upon arrival, I will say they never arrived. When they send me the second package, I will return them, saying they have made my life worse. And on the seventh day, I will have a picture of This Man. 

 Three Angel Coins and 

a photo of This Man 

will ensure I cannot be killed. 

Angel Coin Website

Another Random Wolf Documentary

Review: Hidden Horror: A Celebration of 101 Underrated and Overlooked Fright Flicks

Let's face it, most horror film guide books suck. Either they're aimed at people who primarily watch romantic comedies and have no clue who the most basic villains are, or they're written by someone attempting to be the next Roger Ebert, like horror fans give a shit about his view on anything in the genre. The last book of this type I reviewed was one several of my friends had a hand in writing, Horror 101; it ruled. The one I'm going to review now is, shockingly enough, also written by several of my friends, Hidden Horror; it also rules and can be purchased here.

While not pretending to be an upright citizen, Aaron Christensen dons his alter ego, Dr. AC, and has gone out of his way to bring us a second volume of great horror films that fans of the genre may have missed. Across the globe (not nearly as many countries as the Anti-Social Club,) he has gathered some of the most knowledgeable writers on the genre. Enough playing nice; he only included reviews that actually mattered.

Going through the contents page, films that helped to shape (or unshape) the young Insanislupus mind answered the role call: The Blob (1988), Dark Night of the Scarecrow, The Entity, Halloween III: Season of the Witch, The Hitcher, I Spit On Your Grave (1978), The Legend of Hell House, Psycho II, The Reflecting Skin, and Tombs of the Blind Dead, just to name several. Thanks to the previous book, as well as good company and even a few random picks, I would later be turned on to a new generation of horror films, some "underrated," others "overlooked": Brimstone & Treacle, The Company of Wolves, Frailty, Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural, The Mothman Prophecies, Season of the Witch, and Uzumaki, to name fewer. Yet there are still several in this book I have not seen.

The writing is top notch, as to be expected. The cover art and layout are nothing short of professional. The pictures within look great. Of course, I am obligated to point out flaws and luckily they are few and minor. Society, by Scott LeBrun, is on page 245, not 254. Not really sure how that was missed. The other is that some of the previous writers did not return. I know this isn't really a sequel to Horror 101, and there are many reasons why some would not return, including making room for new ones, but some of them still write and I would have loved seeing what films they would include here in Hidden Horror. Back to why you should buy this, there were two things that stood out to me, and probably only me. One, each entry has a block heading that includes the title, year of release, image from the movie, author, dialogue quote, and then it bleeds off the page, beautifully. Two, the dimensions of the book are the exact same height and width as Horror 101, which helps if you're slightly anal about the layout of your bookshelf. 

Hidden Horror is like fan fiction, only it's not crap and not fiction; it's written by the student's of the genre, the ones you look forward to copying off of for the final, or borrowing records off of to seem hip. Don't believe me? I don't really care, but you can read several pages of it over at Amazon. Or you can buy Hidden Horror now!

The Huge Print Kitley Kut is available for

 the nearly blind and those with large hands 

(photo used without permission and under the

 threat of getting hacked by Anonymous.) 

Also, I made that part up about Society

 being on page 245, but I bet a lot of people

 checked before reading this far. 

Best of the Best (1989) Is a Horror Movie in North Korea

It's 4 degrees here as I write this, or -16 as they say in non-American. I just finished watching Best of the Best 1 and 2, with plans of watching 3 and 4 soon. For the uninitiated, Best of the Best stars Phillip Rhee, Eric Roberts, and Chris Penn, as members of a team of martial artists who battle Korea in a competition. They are coached by the amazing James Earl Jones. The film is heavily westernized and pretends everyone is there to see Eric Roberts attempt to speak English. The real star is Phillip Rhee, who can beat up everyone on the set. 

There exists an underground Kim Dong-un Cut version of the film which completely retells the story. I've been told the Obama administration added scenes of Phillip Rhee, now a Sith apprentice to Darth Vader, beating the crap out of everyone in North Korea, and kicking Kim Jong-old in the face, giving him his one and only loss ever recorded in the history of his life at anything, and right in front of his son, who cries and orders the world destroyed. This is why no one actually fears being nuked by their joke of a government. One day, and hopefully soon, they will get to see Best of the Best 2, the greatest sequel since Death Wish 3.  

Kim Jong-un does shrooms to sleep at night. 

This Man

A little late today (I slept until 5 PM) and proof I actually write my articles daily and don't queue them, I had a dream last night about This Man. Okay, I didn't really, but a friend brought him up today and I was curious why he comes and goes, but doesn't go away. I remember when I was younger wanting to order one of those pennies that bring you luck. They always offered them in the back of respected journals, such as the Weekly World News, sometimes with newer takes like angel pennies, or Bat Boy pennies, but they were always just the same US penny. Shockingly, I eventually received one in the mail, attached to a letter telling me if I sent... I don't remember the amount of money... but that I would get even more luck. Or was it angels? I've read the book of Revelations, like all great doomsday watchmen have, and I assure you I don't want to be visited by angels. They're horrific in description, probably even more so in person, and every fantasy a man could have about sleeping with one would be destroyed; I'll pass. But this man has a website, unlike the lucky angel pennies, at least as far as I know. I've already pointed out his inconceivable resemblance to Vizzini from The Princess Bride. So I ask, ever dreamt this man?

Dreaming of This Man 

in Iran gets you nuked;

yet it still happens.

This Man Website

A Random and Unrelated Wolf Documentary

Every Holiday Should Follow a Drinking Code

I was thinking the other day about how everyone has to drink a green beer on St. Patty's and that it would be awesome to do the same thing for other holidays we observe. For instance, Independence Day here in the States (or anywhere else) could have a layered cocktail with red, white and blue (or your country's flag colors); or just a PBR? But then I realized that Columbus Day celebrates a tyrannical colonizer who had the natives dismembered and that drinking a red beer to remember the shedding of their innocent blood could be confused with honoring the actions against them. Memorial Day would also be confusing, since I'm not sure if we should drink to honor the fallen of the North, South, or both, during the Civil War. The wars thereafter are clear enough, but being born in a neutral state and descended from people who fought on both sides makes it difficult to choose. I guess I could mix two beers, but that sounds gross. Speaking of gross, all of those pumpkin beers could just as easily represent Halloween and Thanksgiving. My point is that something fun and festive is, as usual, ruined by people wanting to be politically correct. I get that it's offensive to honor Christopher Columbus (it really is), and I also get that Thanksgiving is a huge exaggeration of a historical event, and that Christmas celebrates the birth of someone who had the ridiculous idea that everyone should be treated with love and mutual respect, etc., etc., but you're ruining my good time and I just can't ever decided what to drink anymore, so I hope my choices piss you off.     

I will be drinking this to honor

 Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Gays Don't Cause Natural Disasters: A Study

Some guy in the UK said flooding was caused by a gay marriage vote. I looked this up on the web because I thought it would be funny if there was even the slightest, statistical correlation; there wasn't. Of the top ten states for natural disasters, only two allow gay marriage, California (2nd) and New York (4th). The other eight will probably allow it in a thousand years; probably. Texas topped the list, followed by a bunch of southern states and Oklahoma. It wouldn't surprise me if in the future all of the gays are rounded up and sent there, renamed Oklahomasexual (don't blame me for people's lack of creativity.) I guess they could relocate all of the Indians to Indiana. But I digress. In short, natural disasters are caused by God and his dissatisfaction with people, but he has shown us no evidence it has to do with homosexuals, but rather rednecks, especially in Texas; God hates Texas.

  May cause natural disasters.

The Professor and the Soldier

It is rather odd when two very similar people die in the same week, but I unfortunately have to report both.

First, the professor from Gilligan's Island passed away. Russel Johnson was 89. It was often said that he could make anything out of coconuts, but couldn't patch a hole in a boat, but don't forget he was stuck on a tropical island with Mary Ann and Ginger, so looks like he knew what he was doing. What most people don't know is he fought in World War II, flying 44 combat missions, before being shot down over the Philippines. He was honorably discharged. He would also appear in two episodes of The Twilight Zone and one episode of The Outer Limits.

"I was shot down by a Japanese soldier."

Second, the last man to stop fighting World War II passed away. Hiroo Onoda was 91. You may have never heard of him, but from 1944 until 1974, he avoided capture, hiding out on an island in the Philippines, until the Japanese finally sent his old commander to go in and inform him the war had concluded 30 years ago and he now needed to decide if he wanted to make automobiles or electronics for the rest of his life. In true, anti-social fashion, he moved to Brazil and started a cattle ranch, I presume in order to battle aliens who stole his animals for strange experiments, and we can thank him for the decrease in cattle mutilations.  

"I shot down an American soldier."

Russell Johnson Obituary
Hiroo Onoda Obituary

I Still Think Reddit is Retarded

I've been giving reddit another chance, due in part to a friend of mine telling me I really needed to check out the psychedelic rock sub-reddit. I checked out a few other ones, too, but those are just as lame. To begin with, it does nothing but nurture people's need for online validation. Whenever you talk to people about it, they tell you their comment karma, like that somehow means something important. It might; to you. But I don't give a shit if someone upvotes what I say, and I usually post links to obscure psych songs, or occasionally respond to some lost moron who thinks their toaster is haunted because it popped up five seconds earlier than usual. Back tot he psychedelic rock sub, there are maybe a handful of people on there who post interesting videos, and some of the admins seem cool. Everyone else is too busy posting Tame Impala and the Flaming Lips videos, like no one who listens to psychedelic rock has heard of them. Worse, people upvote it, like they're in agreement that they couldn't find access to either band, simply by turning on a psych radio station. It's like saying you love heavy metal and your favorite band is Metallica; you don't. I might continue, but I might now. I have to ask myself if it's worth wading through the typical, unoriginal bullshit just to get to some decent new music, or should I take my chances on Youtube?

I saw Beast in the Field last night. 

Have I Mentioned How Awesome Stake Land (2010) Is?

It's no secret I like horror films. It might surprise you that I have a weakness for vampire hunter films, myself an avid slayer before having my license revoked several years ago. But there's more to this film than just that.

I never watch a film more than once in a year, unless someone else is watching it, I fell asleep, or it rules. I've watched this film three times on the past year and have now seen it five times. I own it, the soundtrack, a British movie poster of it, and to be completely honest, hope that there is a sequel to it in 2020.

What's it about you ask?

Kicking vampire ass. If you like those coming of age, end of the world films like Terminator 2: Judgement Day, and Patrick Swayze minus the romantic subplots he forced on us, then you'll love this film and now have no excuse not to see it. It's available for streaming in Netflix, but you might as well buy it. Additionally, there are 7 webisode prequel shorts from Glass Eye Pix, none of which are available in my country, so I decided to sidestep and list them here thanks to some other film company uploading them. I encourage you to watch the short films after the film, but if you're an Antisocial reader, you'll probably ignore me. 

Origins

Belle

Jebedia

Willie

Sister

Martin

Mister

You're 26% conservative, 74% liberal.

I took this quiz by Time. Those were my result, but the only problem is I do whatever the hell I want. I think a lot of people do, so these Conservative and Liberal categories are nothing short of forced choice. My responses are in parentheses.  

Liberal qualities
You like fusion cuisine (I'm not a rich, white person, so I barely know what this is.)
You think it's okay for your partner to look at porn alone (Or when she's with me.)
You use a modern browser (Chrome.)
You wish there were no countries (Only because I don't want to pay for a passport.)
You prefer the Met to Times Square (Museums are quieter and fewer people bother you.)
You're not completely proud of your country's history (My ancestors killed my ancestors.)

Conservative qualities
You like dogs more than cats (Cats are useless pets; ore on this tomorrow.) 
You prefer action movies to documentaries (Too many documentaries revolve around the director.)
You think kids should respect authority (The kids I see today should have been beaten.)
You like a neat desk (Only at work, otherwise I don't care.)
You think self-control trumps self-expression (If self-expression trumped self-control, I'd be in prison.)
You think the government should treat the lives of its citizens as much more valuable than those of other countries (If I'm going to be robbed every paycheck, I expect to get something in return.)

Now take it yourself, or not:

http://science.time.com/2014/01/09/can-time-predict-your-politics/

Starbucks Ain't Got Nothin' On This!

How do I explain this? First, we have coffee beans. Then we have the Asian palm civet. I doubt you know what that is, and I don't feel comfortable telling you it's a jungle cat, that looks more like a rat, or ferret, or possum, or even a raccoon. So this cat eats the coffee beans, and then shits them out. Next, some unlucky bastard gets to pick through their shit, selecting the choicest beans, packaging them, and selling them as Kopi Luwak. It's an Indonesian premium blend, and by premium, it's supposedly sells for $3000 a kilo, and by blend, as I've explained, it's blended with jungle cat shit. 

But I know what you're thinking, not all of us are wealthy enough to afford that. For just a third of the price, Black Ivory Coffee is slowly processed in the bowels of elephants for up to three days, before dropping in a big, steaming pile and ready for shipment. There's that old adage here at the Anti-Social Club that goes something like "rich people would eat their own feces if you charged them enough" and it certainly is close. 

So the next time you decide to bash people for frequenting over-priced coffee shop, just remember that you could be at home, ingesting the beans yourself, plucking them from your toilet, and starting the next biggest trend. 

Republicans have the best coffee.

Cat Shit Wiki

Elephant Shit Wiki

Projectile Dysfunction

I've seen projectile vomit in movies before. The most notable would be the Exorcist, but who could forget Gordie Lechance’s short story in Stand By Me? For an interesting connection, in the Exorcist, Regan warns the astronaut that he will die in space (he doesn't) and Gordie went to space aboard the USS Enterprise (although his name was taken by another lover of literature and former escaped slave, I presume in exchange for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow). But gratuitous film and TV references aside, I have finally experienced this phenomenon for myself.

After doing some plumbing yesterday after work, I retired early and was asleep by 9 PM. Having slept but two hours, I was brutally awakened when my bed-mate’s demonic entity decided to hurl on my arm. Unsure of what had just transpired, I sat up, thankful the electric blanket was unscathed, turned to her, and gave her the wtf face. She apologized, slid out of bed, but not before allowing me to bear witness to the esophageal wonder, this time in the middle of the bed. It was mostly liquid, but had some mystery chunks, like in a fish tank. She shed a few tears from embarrassment, and then gave me an encore performance, again, onto the bed. Moving quickly, I pulled the bed sheet up. It had soaked through, but luckily the mattress cover stopped it dead in its tracks  (thank you, Christopher Adams 1800 series.) While in the bathroom, under the shower renewing my tainted flesh, I missed a finale on the kitchen floor, which I also got to clean up.

A load of laundry later, washed and dried, sheets were back on the bed and I was snoozing again, eventually going into work three hours later than usual, because a man needs his sleep. I don’t think this experience was really worth it, and unless you have an odd fetish, I suggest you observe only via other media. Sure, it’s awesome to see it live, but not when you are an unsuspecting victim. This is also an example of why switching from healthy eating to fast food is not always a wise decision and that you should listen to your body when it tells you it can’t handle something. A bucket now sits nearby, just in case.

Archaeologists will one day uncover

 my blog and pay tribute.

The Polar Vortex Wasn't Caused by Climate Change

It was caused by aliens. 

In the latest push for people to sound more intelligent than others, everyone is mocking people who keep saying the polar vortex is proof global warming isn't real, while on the other hand talking about how the polar vortex is due to global warming. You're both wrong; neither side is right. Yes, everyone agrees the planet is warming and they're pretty sure it's influenced by human activities (i.e. your very existence.) If you disagree, you're arguing against a large group of people who know what they're talking about and have been saying this for a long time and for whatever reason the politicians are listening to them now. But politicians claiming it's all a hoax are usually the kind you only vote for because you agree about one or two issues. Michelle Bachman, Todd Akin, and all the other tards think whatever isn't hurting anyone is bad, and whatever is is really a hoax. Al Gore is no better with his ridiculous estimations that we'd be living in Waterworld right now. Polar vortexes happen and have happened for a long time. I had never heard the term until this month. I said it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I don't know everything. There's nothing wrong with Googling. Most people do it all the time to try and look smart, only they're ashamed to admit they didn't know something. The media's dumb; they usually don't Google anything before covering it and pretending they know what they're talking about. Stop letting them be your brains. 

Obamacare and Why You Should Worry About the NSA

Obamacare "got the ball rolling" according to all of my doctors, but none of them like it. Not sure if that's a good thing or bad. You should worry about the NSA if you're a terrorist, or an avid porn hobbyist that one day wants to run for political office. It also sucks they're spying on everyone, but nobody cares apparently. 
No, this blog post had nothing much to do with Obamacare, but I must confess, the fact that so many people don't care their government is spying on them serves them right. The NSA relentlessly watched my posting history on several social networks only to conclude they were wasting tax payer's money, because no one cares about the conspiracies I was unraveling. 
So what if Barack Obama and Pope Francis really are the two beasts from the book of Revelations? These guys can do whatever they want without criticism from everyone but right-wing, fundamentalists, who in the end will get to say, "I told you so." God, I hope I die first. But that's the beauty of appropriating old texts to modern day. You can make anything fit and I've done it convincingly. People cannot tell if I'm joking or not and it honestly doesn't matter. In the end, I get to say, "I told you so."

"Charles Darwin ain't got nothin' on me!"

Tablet Update

I've been trying to update daily all of my antisocial ramblings and the one thing I'm certain of, besides the record breaking length of this sentence, is that updating from a tablet does indeed suck. Randomness is our friend.

The Brutally Honest Horror Scope

This horoscope was written a long time ago and I'm tired of people passing it around, censoring it, and getting the damn dates wrong to boot. 

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. 

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. 

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. 

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. 

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. 

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. 

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards. 

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 23) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. 

Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. 

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. 

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of crap. 

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.