The Oscars Are Run By Hipsters

In general, I’m not a fan of anything that is titled one thing (the Academy Awards), but called something else entirely (the Oscars.) It’s annoying and makes me think you’re just trying to make it appear like a real person. More so than that, the choice of actors and best picture nominations are usually not only annoying, but insulting. I get that more popular, mainstream films stand a greater chance to appeal to the masses, and honestly, they often are the winners, which makes sense, sure. But do you really have to include a bunch of films and actors I have never heard of and no one has even watched? I remember sitting down and viewing all of the films nominated one year, each one being a disappointment. It was 1992; Howard’s End put me to sleep before the beginning, Scent of a Woman smelled like sweaty feet, and the Crying Game… A Few Good Men was just an A-list rip off of Law & Order, so don’t even act like that’s a saving grace. There have been other years where all of the films were good to great, like 1990 and 1991, which primarily showcased a bunch of guy flicks. But usually, and pretty much the majority of other years, they have to slip some film snob crap in there, like the Pianist, starring Adrian Brody’s annoying looking face, sponsored by Starbucks, Apple, and stupid looking sweaters. They even once had a movie about a talking pig. I rest my case. Or I could continue. 
Every time Daniel Day-Lewis does a movie, it’s almost a given he will be nominated or win best actor. If average Joseph was named Daniel Day-Lewis, I’d hit him right in the teeth, but D-Day has earned the right to have a hyphenated last name that suggests greatness due to his unrelenting portrayal of badassery in pretty much every role and his ability to tell Hollywood that he will be going on vacation for five years. Then there is Sean Penn, hipster personified. Not only is he a washed up actor, turned director, but he’s also a self-appointed diplomat that travels to other countries to speak against US foreign policy, behind heavily fortified walls, surrounded by armed bodyguards, 50 miles from militarized zones, and with a single-serve coffee machine, oh, and a photographer; what a brave man. Do you ever do anything that’s not about publicity, like, oh, I don’t know, act and direct? This year’s Lupus award for worst looking face to ever grace a screen goes to, Sean Penn, again. In short, just watch movies that sound interesting to you and not those weighted down by bullshit, elitist-voted awards that involve more politics than actual art. 

"Whoa, bra, you should like, leave the 

Falkland Islands alone. Hehehehehe."

Love #5: John McClane

The greatest thing about the Die Hard series is that they basically just built it around Willis. The first film shows what Willis would do if terrorist took over Demi Moore’s work. The second film shows what Willis would do if terrorists showed up at the SAG Awards. The third film shows what Willis would do if terrorists showed up while he was hanging out with Samuel L. Jackson. The fourth film shows what Willis would do if terrorists hacked his Facebook account. The fifth films shows what Willis would do if he was in Russia, his son was on steroids, and terrorists showed up. I just watched this marathon in the theaters, so my analysis of these films is spot on. Pretty much everything John McClane goes through is survivable. I admit that as the films go on, he does crazier stunts that make him appear more superhuman, but this is only because he’s built himself up to it, a veteran of being a badass. Honestly, the only thing separating you from being Willis is that you've never been put in his situation, are antisocial, and probably not as wealthy. 

"Yippee-ki-yay, Mister Drummond!" -Todd Bridges

Love #4: Ghosts

I grew up in a haunted house. Some of you might be saying, “Show me a peer-reviewed, scientific paper proving the existence of ghosts and then I will believe!” You are obviously new here and there is the exit, disguised as a tenth story window; we don’t idolize pretentious douche bags such as the members of JREF here. Others of you simply might not believe, and for that I cannot fault you. Before you start coming up with “rational” excuses, do you seriously believe most people instantly think everything they see is a ghost before ruling out other possibilities? Now I confess I have no proof of ghosts. Hell, I don’t even know if ghosts are really disembodied spirits, demons, electromagnetic traces of DNA that materialize under certain conditions, etc. but I know what I've seen. That “what” was seen by others. I love ghosts because they've kept me open-minded, kept me guessing, kept me exploring other possibilities, without just listening to what I’m told from established society, and most importantly give a firm, middle finger to the laws of physics.  

"I'm here to assess your paranormal claims."

Love #3: Dungeon Keeper 2

I’m not big into playing video games but Dungeon Keeper 2 is awesome for several reasons. It’s a game where you get to build a dungeon, narrated by some guy with a creepy, horror movie voice. Building certain rooms attracts certain types of creatures; goblins, salamanders, bile demons, etc. Whenever you build the dungeon to your specifications, you can then unleash the heroes; wizards, warriors, etc. who act as the bad guys invading your home. I know, you can do the same thing with your house. By simply having a place (or a vagina) for people to hang out, you can do all of the aforementioned, so long as you talk like Vincent Price. But allow me to explain some of the finer points. You can throw your minions out of the dungeon. You can beat them for standing around and doing nothing. You can train them and even put them to work for you. You can make them happy, or sad, by building various rooms. Okay, you could also do all of that to your friends or pets in your own home. But in Dungeon keeper 2, you can also build a prison where your imps will drag defeated enemies and house them. You then have several new options. You can let them die and they will rise as skeletons. You can put them in your torture chamber, which will either kill them, or convert them to your side. You can also sacrifice them at your temple and hope the gods repay your kindness. You can also possess one of your minions and go into 3D mode. Sure, you could break the law and do those things, but eventually your house smells and everyone will call you Dahmer. I love this game and have played it off and on since it came out. With a little work, you can get it to run on XP, Vista, and Win 7, but I’m not a nerd, so I can’t help you with that. 

Skeletons disco dancing after one of them hit the jackpot 

at the casino. The salamanders do look a bit retarded, 

but they have baby arms.  

Love #2: Yardbird

Some of you call it chicken. Most of you cannot cook it. I love nothing more than having some girl cook me the yardbird. In a blind, taste-test, I scored 100 percent when trying to identify women based on their cooking skills. I was also given a placebo, but that didn't taste like chicken. There is something sensual and erotic about it, compared to other foods. I like to start between the legs, making my way up to the thigh, or even bury my face in the breasts. Wetter the better; make love to that yardbird. Sure, you could do the same thing to beef or pork, but it’s not that sexy talking about eating a rump roast, which is basically analingus on a cow or pig’s ass. Can you already smell the manure? I love yardbird because you can skip foreplay with any woman who cooks it, unless she’s smart and serves it on herself. 

Eating some people’s yardbird is a religious experience.

Love #1: Glenn Danzig

You ever notice people complain about how bands crank out the same music? Ever notice that a lot of those same people also complain when people change their style of music? Yeah, they’re called Danzig “fans”. Danzig albums are usually grouped into two categories. The first four are called classic, because they had the same members on all of them. The rest are called experimental, because people lack imagination or good taste in music or didn't bother to actually listen to the albums because their cousin’s brother’s girlfriend’s hair stylist said they were crap. They were wrong. Get a few things straight right now. Glenn Danzig does what he wants. He put out a heavy blues album long before it was cool. He took metal into industrial and washed it clean again. All while caring as much as a honey badger in a cobra pit. Until you've written songs for Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, Willie Dixon, been in not one, but three legendary bands, performed solo, released more albums than you have fingers, work with whoever you want to, and been given an autograph by Insanislupus, don’t talk to me about fame. While we’re on the subject, stop pretending you went and hung out with the Misfits when you were five. You didn't listen to Samhain in grade school. Your Misfits shirt is not a tour version when it has a Hot Topic tag in it. And no one cares you listened to Danzig first and hid them like a relative who died while having sex with a mule so that no one would find out. That’s stupid and doesn't make any sense. Even if it is true, you only prevented a fanbase from growing. Good job, OG. Now go listen to Danzig 5 through 9 and return with an in-depth review. 

Who's OG now. Cred.