Mother's Day

A typical Mother's Day for me was usually going out with my dad to pick her something out, returning home with it, and then her making me something to eat before I watched Magnum P.I. and went to bed. It was nice because I only had to impress her and no one else, not even my grandmother. My dad always bought my mom something, because he did have a hand (or penis) in her being a mom, so it made sense.

But now I'm apparently supposed to thank every woman who has kids, as if they've contributed something to the world by spreading their legs. Well, thanks for increasing the amount of carbon your child will produce, speeding up global warming, thawing the dinosaurs, and making life miserable for postal carriers that now have to fear more than just rabid pit bulls. Thanks to mothers around the world, I will soon be forced to listen to a bunch of idiots who think T. Rex should have the same rights as people. Don't get me started on the idiots that say Mother's Day should be every day and see their mothers once a month.

Everyone should be thankful for their mother who brought them into this world, unless she's a worthless whore who gave them up for adoption because she couldn't afford her drug habit, and then decided to return years later in an act of selfishness to continue failing where she left off, depriving them of being adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who could have made all their dreams come true. I love my mom; I hate everyone else's.

Cyber Monday

Let us cut right to the chase. Cyber Monday is not real; it's bullshit. It’s not an actual day, like Black Friday, because it was created by some bullshit retail trade association. That’s right, it was created by the very people who wanted you to spend even more money, just three days after you go broke. It is billed as the busiest ecommerce day of the year. It isn't.  Its website claims to have the best deals anywhere. It doesn't.  How many times can I say bullshit before you get the idea?

I decided to make a scale of all the “Hallmark Holidays” just to see where Cyber Monday sits. Here were the results (with comments and replacements):

01 Boss’s Day – Unless you are screwing your boss or an ass kisser, no one celebrates this holiday. Instead, I propose Kill Your Co-Worker Day, because everyone has at least one co-worker they want to kill.

02 Administrative Professional’s Day – This is the politically correct term for Secretary’s Day. Apparently, too many guys who were secretary’s complained, thus this day is a celebration of men and women who are secretaries. Let us not forget the men. Instead, Crybaby Bitch Day should suffice.

03 Grandparent’s Day – I don’t remember even a commandment in Sunday school saying honor your mother and father’s mother and father. How about Drive Half the Speed Limit Day, because we all know old people remember the good ol’ days when cars went 20 miles an hour.

04 Father’s Day – Celebrate the one person who has the highest likelihood of screwing you up permanently. Also, on the average, he did about 2-6 minutes worth of work to bring you into this world, not 9 months. Also, there can always be doubt, so I say Possibly Your Father’s Day.

05 Mother’s Day – In all honesty, how can anyone replace this day? Love her, hate her, she brought you into this world and did a lot of work in the process. On Mother’s Day, please make sure you go see your mom bright and early, bring your laundry, demand breakfast, lunch and dinner, and make a huge mess before you leave; she’ll clean it up.

06 Sweetest Day – This whole day was built around selling the most useless crap. In reality, it should be ranked higher, because let’s face it; on Cyber Monday, you at least buy shit that may have a purpose. On this day, however, you buy shit that has little value for ten times the price, and isn't healthy to eat. I propose just skipping it altogether and instead celebrating Easter, when all the candy is on sale.

07 Valentines Day – High on the list, I know, but everyone acts like it's a huge deal; it isn't  What's sad is it is the day of lovers… in a generation of people who only hook up because they get knocked up by someone they were having sex with. I have a real holiday to replace it with this time in Lupercalia. Essentially, it traces its roots back to when people were afraid boys going through puberty would turn into werewolves and eat everyone. Instead, they made a festival where someone sacrificed a goat, ate, and then screwed. The beauty of it all is it was celebrated from February 13th to 15th, which sandwiches Valentines Day. Okay, the whole wolf thing is awesome.

08 Cyber Monday – Monday, just Monday, because Monday is a real day, unlike Cyber Monday.

Now you may have been expecting a top 10 list, or even a climatic number 8, but let this lesson in being screwed over help you, because I also hate top 10 lists. Also, let me enlighten you that by calling holidays Hallmark Holiday’s, you’re endorsing the very thing you’re supposed to be bashing. Instead, call them Bullshit Holidays.

This will be expanded with greater detail some day. I just feel it.