Sunglasses

Sunglasses don't make you cool, except maybe one person and that was for a music video. Guess what? You're not them and it's not the 80's. Grow up and get a life. It's not the shades themselves, but the way the person acts when wearing them.

Record a friend of yours without for about fifteen minutes and then record them with. Did you notice the change? How could you not? They move from average Joe to a cross between Günther and the Terminator. Let me correct myself; Günther and the T-101 look awesome in sunglasses, each capturing one aspect of awesomeness. Günther is cool and suave; the T-101 is tough and deadly. You look like a douche trying to be all of the above. Your movements switch between a famous entertainer to looking for Sarah Connor, only it's obvious you're pretending and no one is impressed. Below are a few rules to help you improve.

Be wary of these pitfalls that are only okay in specific situations:

                On your forehead if your hands are full.

                On the tip of your nose if you're trying to see better. 

                On your collar if you're done wearing them.

                On a cord around your neck if you play baseball.

It is okay to wear sunglasses inside when:

                You just came from outside and your eyes are adjusting.

                It is exceptionally bright, like at a sporting event.             

                Your significant other beats you.

                You are hung over.

                You are blind.

It is okay to wear sunglasses at night when:

                You keep getting blinded by headlights and streetlights.

                You have a legit medical condition that requires them.

                You're going to assault your significant other.

                You are Corey Hart.

                You are blind.

Also, everyone can tell when you're staring at them with the damn things on. Not only is your head perfectly aligned with their line of sight, the darkness of the lenses lessens when light is coming from the other side. You're not slick and it's still rude. Stop it. 

Vevo

Who the hell invented Vevo? Ever notice how if you want to hear a song and you wind up going to Youtube to hear it (see entry on how I hate people who go to Youtube to listen to music instead of watch it), only to be tricked into clicking on a Vevo sponsored one? Yeah, everyone has. They take a five minute song and turn it into six. This is shocking, being as the Wikipedia article says Vevo was formed with "the goal being to attract more high-end advertisers." You'd think their goal would be to attract people who wanted to watch videos, until you actually listen to one.

A real time analysis of Smashing Pumpkin's Bullet with Butterfly Wings (or Despite All My Rage, or Rat in a Cage):

The page loads, complete with an ad to the top right, above the "similar" videos. Indeed, while thinking about this song, I want nothing more than to drive the all new Chevy Sonic, like all other Smashing Pumpkins fans, or people who just like this one song of theirs.

Do you:

a. Click the advertisement and see a video ad.

b. Continue watching the video, as brought to you by Vevo, proudly displayed beneath.

c. Google how to block Vevo videos from ever turning up on your Youtube searches.

I decide to stick with my original purpose and watch the video. But wait, there is another advertisement, this one placed at the beginning of the video. What do the Smashing Pumpkins have to do with 4G on my mobile phone? I'm watching this on a wired connection at a desktop. Now that I think about it, what does a washed up stage magician have to do with 4G? Probably about as much as Vevo has to do with bringing you a quality service. At least the ad is loud and clear.

The video starts and I still can’t believe Billy Corgan isn’t female, as he proclaims, “The world is a vampire.” At least that’s how I remember it. Sadly my speakers do not have a volume knob capable of bringing the video up to an audible level. After one minute of the actual video, approximately the same amount of time it took them to tell me about 4G, I decide to click off on another video that catches my eye. Sadly, it too is brought to me by, you guessed it, Vevo. But first this unrelated, thirty-second commercial that is guaranteed to piss you off.