Gay Marriage and Abortion

I’m pretty sure if the two most important issues to you in the upcoming election are gay marriage and abortion, you have no clue what an important issue is in our country right now. Do us all a favor and stop listening to what ads are telling you. Obama is NOT going to pass any gay marriage legislation. Romney is NOT fully against abortion. If you had paid attention to what they both actually said on these issues, you might have a different opinion about them. I’ll still be voting for anyone but them. 

The Famous 5 That Survive the End With Me

Some friends and I were discussing the end of the world the other night, so for fun we made our own personal lists of five people we could take with us that would help us to survive the collapse of society.

Who: Insanislupus

What: Leader

Where: Kentucky

When: January 27^th, 1978

Why: Has a list of 1001 things he hates and cannot be killed.

The first person that came to my mind was myself (and I don't count as one of the five.) I rule, cannot be killed, but can kill wild animals with my bare hands, although I usually just talk them down, make them come to their senses, and then we go out marauding unsuspecting people who go on to tell tales of how they were chased out of the wilderness by me and a sleuth of grizzlies. But now they can also include…

Who: Mehmet Oz

What: Doctor

Where: Wherever

When: 1986

Why: Has been helping people to survive for 25 years.

I know, you’ve probably got the oddest picture of the greatest internetist, followed by grizzlies, and then a happy, smiling Dr. Oz wielding a crossbow in one hand a clipboard in the other. But you would not live long enough to laugh. Dr. Oz is obviously a brilliant doctor and has been saving lives for half of his own, but what makes him perfect for my team is that he’s a big proponent of integrative medicine, that pseudo-science that all the physicians from around the world (and since pharmacology started) have been practicing unless they are corporate shills bending over for the drug industry. For kicks, we will probably make his shelter out of emeralds and line the path to it with yellow bricks, which were carved from the mountains by…

Who: Aron Ralston

What: Engineer

Where: Mountains of Utah

When: April 26, 2003

Why: Climbed a mountain after self-amputation, stopped to play a hand of poker and get a beer, before finding his rescuers who were lost.

If you don't know who he is, try cutting your own arm off and come back to me later. Yeah, that guy. Just in case, he was trapped by a boulder and had to self-amputate his arm, climb out of the crack he was in, repel one-handed down a 65' wall, and hike 8 miles back to his car in the mid-day sun. According to his Wikipedia article, he found a Dutch family along the way, so it's safe to say he marched all the way to the Netherlands before finding the rescuers that were looking for him (they were lost and he probably had trouble flagging them down with one arm). He also has a degree in mechanical engineering and speaks French. Sure, the French language will be as useless as the French military has been since World War II, but imagine all the wind, water, and solar power we will have once we let him loose. He can probably even make us a deep freeze just in time for the return of...

Who: Dew Claw the Lioness!!!!

What: Hunter/Scavenger

Where: South Africa’s Kruger National Park

When: Unsure

Why: Survived brain hemorrhage, damaged right eye, and a puncture wound under her neck into her mouth from a Hippo and walked it off.

You might not know who she is, but you might not want to. While hunting with her in-experienced pride, she had her head crushed in a hippo’s mouth, causing her brain to hemorrhage under the 2000 pounds of pressure, a tusk piercing past her jugular and through the bottom of her mouth. The other lionesses mourned her passing, but she decided, rather than dying, to walk it off and go back to hunting 2 weeks later in order to make my team. She’s made of all things women should be made of, tested and true, making feminist and PETA proud, so logically should have baby liontaurs with…

Who: Paul Templer

What: Warrior

Where: Zambezi River, Zimbabwe

When: On the Zambezi, where time stands still

Why: Survived punctured lungs, a punctured major artery, and a crushed foot after a hippo attack.

Ironically, my next person not only had his arm amputated, but did so after facing a hippo.  After serving in the British Army (I assume in an elite squad dedicated to the elimination of hippos and self-amputation,) he settled in Zimbabwe to lead rich, white people on river safaris. Templer jumped in head and shoulders first to a hippo's mouth after it knocked passengers out of his boat and tried to devour them. Born bad ass, he fought the hippo off with his bare hands, but only so he could make it back to the surface long enough to get cell phone service and finish his game of Words With Friends. The hippo would have none of that and grabbed Templer's foot, dragging him back in, but a second round of well-placed blows freed him back to the surface again. The hippo decided a third attack, a bite into his chest, followed by shaking him back and forth like he only weighed 200 pounds, would do the trick, but finally realized Templer was just luring him in and swam away. After raising the chances of escaping a hippo attack to .00001%, he patched himself up as best as someone with puncture wounds in their lungs and body can do and doggie-paddled to the local hospital, 270 miles away (where it is rumored he scoffed at what the cafeteria was serving and swam to a European hospital for something more palatable,) before admitting himself. He continues to offer tours on the same river, minus an arm, and riding the hippo he has since enslaved, waiting for the arrival of me and...

Who: Salma Hayek

What: Santánico Pandemonium

Where: The set of From Dusk Till Dawn.

When: January 19^th, 1996

Why: Who better to repopulate the world with?

Salma Hayek. I’m a humble man and must make huge sacrifices when it comes to picking who I will repopulate the world with. I decided it should be none other than this unattractive and impoverished actress, with small breasts. I’ve obviously chosen her strictly on her kind heart and personality and nothing else. She was also really hot in From Dusk Till Dawn (and Desperado and Bandidas and…) and I’m hopeful she knows how to cook, because I forgot to take that into consideration. I’m sure she does other stuff, too.

So there is team Insanislupus. Where is yours?

Honorable mentions:

Barrack Obama. The guy won the Nobel Prize for just existing. That rules.

Anne Hathaway. She is playing Catwoman and did not laugh once during the scenes where she had to listen to Christian Bale’s Batman voice.

Houston. Not sure her last name, but I read on Wikipedia that she took on “620 men without interruption.”

Forrest Gump. Not only can he run like the wind, but this Medal of Honor recipient can take a bullet in the buttocks while saving lives, and operate a boat better than George Clooney. He has been temporarily disqualified until I can confirm alleged reports that he is a fictional person.

Ryan Gosling. Baby Goose has been saving a life every week in a different city each time (although rumors suggest it might actually be Zach Shields). I imagine he could beat up more paparazzi than Matthew McConaughey, and I’m not alone in sharing the love: http://tonictherapy.blogspot.com/2012/04/to-extreme.html