You Probably Don't Watch Duck Dynasty

     I don’t watch Duck Dynasty. I couldn’t pick Phil Robertson out of a lineup. I don’t really care what he said, because I’m indifferent to his opinion. In other words, I could care less what his opinions are, because I’ve formed my own. For most of us in the United States, our parents grew up in a portion of Americana that their parents and grandparents carved out for them. They made the decision to believe one way or the other. I don’t fault them for it. Your views would be completely different if you were raised elsewhere and by different people. Inequality sucks. But it still exist, although not as great as it once was. I laugh when people today get bent out of shape because they believe they’re entitled to something. Freedom is fought for. Leaving comments on Reddit doesn’t constitute campaigning against something. Stop pretending you’re a part of a cause just because your comment karma increased. One man made comments that aren’t popular. He never waved them in anyone’s face. The media once again has played you. You’re not racist. You’re not sexist. You’re not homophobic. You’re not the majority of the labels people want you to give. Unless I’m asking you a forced yes or no question, there are more than two answers. My answer to if I think Phil Robertson should be kept off of television is I don’t care. I have the power to turn Duck Dynasty on or off, and so do you. The end.

"His personal views in no way reflect those of A&E Networks, who have always been strong supporters and champions of the LGBT community," as well as championing ridiculous stereotypes of white southerners.

Karma Can't Be A Bitch

I often see people across the internet commenting on the misfortunes of others and how karma is apparently paying them back for, what I assume are, trespasses against them. It’s usually some bullshit remark like how they’re enjoying the bad karma said wrongdoer has received. Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn't that mean, in your heavily westernized interpretation of an Indian concept, that you will have the same negativity shoved back in your face? So why are you then lamenting about how poor your luck is and how your life sucks and now you’re broke and about to be homeless and your car’s broke down and you are dying from a rare disease, yet not admitting it’s probably karma paying you back for your own misdeeds? What I’m trying to say is, karma, something you wholeheartedly believe in, is telling you you’re a hypocrite and more than likely a dick; wake up. 

Waiting to die 5,999,999 more times. 
Yeah, everyone with an internet connection
 knows he had more than 6 million
 people killed; stop ruining jokes.

I Had a Seizure

"Life is too short to be average all the time; it's boring." - Wim Hof

     On July 1st, 2013, I had a seizure at work. I know, people have them all the time, but it was a first for me. Normally, people who have experiences outside the norm gain an appreciation for, or crusade in the name of awareness, of said medical condition. However, my experience went as follows: sat down at my desk. Woke up on floor. Taken to hospital. Sent home. More in depth, they did a CBC with Auto Diff, Basic Metabolic Panel, Differential, Quantitative D-Dimer, Hemoglobin A1C, Comprehensive Metabolic Panel, Lipid Panel, T4 Free, TSH, T3, Vitamin D 25 Hydroxy, EEG Regular Radiant, Echo-cardiogram, Comprehensive Sleep Study with 4 or more Parameters and an MRI on the brain with and without Contrast. Copy and Paste united!
     What really pisses me off about the whole thing is the waiting game. I may have had a seizure, and while they're almost certain I did, almost certain I won't have one again, I have to wait around like I certainly did. That means I can't drive, hold sharp objects, or take a long walk through the woods since no one will find me in the event I have another one. In short, I can't do all the things anti-social people do; I hate it. For the record, they're not 100% sure it was a seizure because no one witnessed it (and it could have been a heart attack or stroke), but I was found unconscious, had a bite to the side of my tongue (99% caused by seizures), and had a dislocated shoulder they failed to detect in the hospital that I had to reset myself at 2 in the morning; I sent the hospital a bill for my services.  
     Still, to be on the safe side and prevent anyone else from having the same issues, I would like to briefly detail the warning signs I had. While it's no secret and nothing new, I was awake for 30 hours, followed by a few nights of 3-4 hours of sleep when I awoke around midnight with a weird spell of déjà vu. I have that all the time. Culturally, it is a past life memory, or a premonition warning me of coming events. Psychologically, my brain is having a random access memory error and making memories up. But this was more than just a "been here before" feeling because I felt like I was getting sick to my stomach and then I had an overwhelming sense of dread. Being fearless, this was the most alarming and strange. Apparently, those are signs of partial seizures. Had I known, well, I still would have had a seizure, so I guess they wouldn't have helped much. 

Stop Giving Entertainers Money

There is this new trend where people (usually musicians) need money for something and they go straight to Kickstarter or some other crowd funding site to ask for donations. Since when is that not called begging? First off, you don’t need money, you want money. In the rules of business, you either can’t handle your expenses, or there is no demand for your supply. Second, you’re not offering anything to anyone. You want me to give you money because you can’t afford to do whatever it is you want to do. This wouldn’t even work in communist countries and I can spend that money on something I want instead. Third, you want me to enable your future financial woes by using me as your contingency plan. You are the problem, not anyone else, or the world, or a supreme being, or luck, fate, karma, etc. Not going to happen.

People dying from diseases or starving in foreign countries need charity. Whatever happened to the days where you produced something someone wanted to buy and this money went into furthering future ventures? I don’t have a problem with someone jacking up the price on something they’re selling; it’s my own personal decision on what I think is a good deal or not. But these people aren’t selling anything. I’m not your girlfriend, your parents, or even a friend, and certainly not an idiot who welcomes solicitations from a glorified pan-handler pretending to be someone in need. They’re literally begging fans to give them money for nothing in return. No ticket to a show, painting, mention in their book, sexual favor, or anything besides a transaction from a bank account. Instead, go to your local cheap store and buy them a calculator. Teach them the basics about finance and how to save for their future. Ultimately, let them know it’s only a job if they get paid for it and no one is paying them to merely exist. 

I just spent 44% of my income fund-raising for the new Nickelback CD!

The Lines Are Always Pure

Repost: This was put up a few days ago, but was obviously removed by the NSA, a draconian organization that suppresses my freedom of speech. I can think of no reason this would have been removed, other than they are afraid I will reveal the reptilian origins of one of the subjects. 

Mulvaney sounds like an evil sorcerer from a Dungeons and Dragons game, but I assure you John's also quite capable of putting out interesting short bios about artists you should be decorating your home with. Watch this six minute video and tell me Daire Lynch won't be going on a drunken rampage in the near future (increasing the value of your purchased artwork.) He also paints occasionally. 

Daire Lynch's Website

Best Way To Contact John Mulvaney

Katzenklavier

It takes someone deeply disturbed, or equally comedic, to come up with a Katzenklavier. Essentially, it's a piano or organ that instead of using catgut, used the entire cat. Yes, I've read enough on the internet to know cat intestines were never used for string. Still, cats were placed in order of their natural pitch, their tails stretched and perhaps nailed to the keys. While it is said that this concept never actually manifested in real life, I find it hard to believe no one ever tried it, ever. It spawned a film narrated by Nick Cave. 

Cat Organ Wiki

Robert Liston

I, like many people, get stuck on Wikipedia on a regular basis whenever I start reading about anything interesting. Until now, I've never felt the need to share, but I have a service to the anti-social community in entertaining them, so here goes my first attempt at sharing something you could just as easily find yourself. 

Robert Liston was a Scottish surgeon who was apparently a badass at amputation and able to do it faster than anyone else. Unfortunately, he sometimes amputated more than was necessary. Unfortunately, malpractice was a long way off. 

His most famous case apparently involved amputating a leg in record time, accidentally amputating his assistant's fingers, too, and then amputating the coat tails of a spectator, all of which died, two from infection, and one from fright. Triple-kill achievement unlocked. 

Robert Liston's Wiki

Answer: Robert Liston

Man of Steel Sucked (and Other Plagiarisms)

I’m pretty sure that when you review a film, it should not only be your own opinion, but you should have actually seen the film you are reviewing, too. I’ve been trying to understand why so many people hate the new Superman by reading the various reviews around the web. Sadly, most of them appear to be reviews of reviews, or at least stolen bits and pieces passed off as the work of a new author. I get that you didn’t like the film. I didn’t think it was great, but I certainly didn’t think it was horrible. I certainly don’t see all of the flaws people keep pointing out. Let’s tackle some of them. 

The special effects were weak and overused and this film had too much science-fiction. 
Not really. If  you’re complaining that the 3D sucked, then I agree; it did. But the special effects go pretty far beyond that and they were obviously better than past efforts, but also more realistic, taking some physics into play. And how exactly do you overuse special effects on a character who can fly, shoot lasers from his eyes, and get run over by trains without a mark? Also, how do you include an alien and not get categorized into science-fiction? 

The A-List cast was poorly used and not given enough screen time.
I agree. The original film title was Friends, Family and Acquaintances of the Man of Steel and it focused on them instead of the titular character. Who wants to watch a Superman film that focuses on him? Wait for the director’s cut. Many of these same people criticized the length of the film, too. 

There is a lack of character development and this isn’t Superman.
I’m pretty sure the entire film works on the eponymous star’s character development. Also, he was Superman for only a small portion of the film, because it’s an origins story. Had you actually seen the film, you would know he doesn’t step out of a phone booth to save the world in the first five minutes. Also, I knew everything I needed to know about the majority of supporting characters, and again, this isn’t their film. 

There is no humor, happiness, joy, compassion, etc. 
There has to be? Are we seriously bashing reboots when they’re not the same, identical film you didn’t want to see remade in the first place? Had it been a funny, happy, and joyous Vince Vaughn remake, you’d be crying about that, too. Anti-heroes are what sell and they still lifted him above that and kept him true to his roots. Christopher Reeves called and said he died years ago; move along. 

I’m already bored with hearing people passing someone else’s opinion off as their own, so I’ll stop there. Man of Steel is certainly not the best take on Superman. The action scenes escalate instantly and stay at the same exact pace throughout, ruining any chance of legitimate excitement most of the time, and the 3D was a rip-off. The story was nothing stellar, not even attempting the impossible by avoiding what we already know, but instead stayed away from full rewrites that make fanboys foam at the mouth. Most of the supporting cast stayed briefly. Lois Lane was severely under-used and seemed almost pointless in the entire thing (but that was fine, since once again, this is an origins story.) But the new General Zod was better than previous villains in every respect and the story of hope everyone wanted didn’t come until the very end, when hope ultimately matters. There is an after credits scene of Christopher Reeves CGIed interviewing Henry Cavill for the Daily Planet, if this makes any of you happy. 

You almost got this.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

          It's really easy to determine if someone is a leader, follower, or anti-social loner online. Currently there are large and vocal groups of people who think they are philosophers, scientists, or comedians, three things they are not and usually have a poor understanding of, who want to join in and ruin every conversation had on the webs so they can win some illusory battle of wits going on in their heads. Before I go further, I am aware that anti-social is a misused term for people who are asocial, but the asocial club doesn't have a nice ring to it and you can't even put it on buttons or stickers, let alone shirts, without people reminding you of that fact. Also, I am aware that loners normally do not completely avoid other people. The only reason I am explaining all of that is because one of the aforementioned jackasses will think they are smart by pointing that out; they’re not.

          I wanted to discuss a phenomena related to the false dilemma and one I see everyone engaging in (and I have already pointed it out before, I think). Black-and-white thinking is when you essentially believe something is all or nothing, like how all of the Jews in Israel are killing Palestinians, but everyone in the media is covering it up, because no one can handle the truth, and would rather listen to Nickelback, whose songs all suck. Okay, that last one is an irrefutable fact. Bad example. But everyone needs to stop the black-and-white thinking, not so you look like less of an idiot, but so that you start being less of one. My regular readers do not care if they are guilty of it, because they all rule. But you one-timers who drop by and ask for directions without even buying a map should take heed, because you’re doing the exact opposite of what you think you are doing, and you look stupid doing it. Real stupid.

The above picture is white.

It Is NOT Veteran’s Day

I know people are always in a hurry to pretend to appreciate soldiers for what they have done for them, despite the fact they probably have no clue what any of them have done for them, but today is Memorial Day and it is distinct from Veteran’s Day in that one is to honor those who died while serving in the armed forces and the other is to honor all of those who have served in the armed forces.

Now if you’re hiding behind the excuse that you honor ALL soldiers blah, blah, blah, it still makes you an idiot, because this is Memorial Day, and by that logic, I can hand out Christmas presents right now, and every word in the dictionary can mean whatever the hell I want it to. Everyone who has died while in the armed forces is a veteran, but not all veterans have died while in the armed forces. The latter sacrificed a lot, while the former sacrificed everything, and because of that, we have two separate holidays. It’s really that simple.  

I would like to thank all of the surviving veterans 

who died for my sins.

Rotten Tomatoes Isn't Always Right

You know, you can have your own opinion on a film if you’d like. The problem is it caters to a group of writers who work for newspapers and magazines, professional critics if you will. As soon as someone becomes a critic, they instantly go into douchebag mode. It’s no secret that fans of horror movies, real fans and not people who only collect the Saw series, specifically go to horror websites for reviews on films to avoid these mainstream, pretentious snobs who have by and large never been laid, and have decided to take their hatred out on everything with blood in it that’s not a vagina. Probably Freudian. That being said, reviews are now back because I’m sick and tired of everyone touting Rotten Tomatoes like they’re the authority on film; they’re not. They do not follow the golden rule of anti-social film viewing: It’s not worth watching unless someone dies in it. Only then should a film be reviewed and they have long broken that rule, so I thought it befitting that I bring back my own opinions for my own writing pleasure.

This also includes reviews on everything else, from music to blind dates, but not Rotten Tomatoes. 

Who's rotten now, bitch?

Terrorist Should Get Girlfriends

Maybe I’m oversimplifying things here, but you’d think if maybe they took the time to go out for a night on the town with a member of the sex of their choice, they would have less reason to blow things up. Instead of sitting on your computer and Googling how to make explosive devices out of toasters, you could be on Match, eHarmony, Adult Friend Finder, or Angie’s List, meeting new people with similar interest. If that fails, you could also go outside and to a public place where you are bound to meet someone new. There is also the option to get a mail-order-bride, maybe even from your own country that you think sucks because of American oppression, that would be more than willing to start a better life here. Speaking of which, our government that you hate, keeps you poor, won’t mind its own business, etc., does the same thing to us, and we hate it, too; you’re not original. Only thing is, we don’t go and blow each other up in protest. In fact, your campaign of terror only promotes government spending to make life more miserable. You die; we get angry about tax increases and in turn gladly support you dying. I get that you want to be heard, but you’re less of a dick if you write a blog and you will be heard plenty if you have cat pictures with stupid captions on them.

Most of us would also probably respect

you if you dressed like this.

Easter Is Older Than You

I was on Facebook today when I counted a total of 17 status updates from people who were tired of seeing all the pictures of Jesus in their news feed, because it’s apparently not Easter and they don’t live in a country where the majority of people self-identify as Christian. What I found most ironic was that I didn't see a single picture of Jesus. Not one. Sure, there were the no-longer-funny zombie Jesus updates, as well as the boring Happy Easter ones, but not one religious mention. Being the awesome person I am, I decided to make a picture (or steal it from someone on the internet and do a horrible job defacing it) so their protests wouldn't be over nothing. Happy Easter, everyone. Antisocial Jesus wants you to...

... especially about the pagan origins of every 

Christian holiday that everyone in the world 

already knows and doesn't care about; 

you're not smart.

Sold Out

I’m really sick and tired of websites that list something they no longer have to sell. It’s the equivalent of walking into a hospital while bleeding to death and them telling you they used to have an emergency room. Dick move. It works like this: You search Google for an item and get back 1,000,000 hits, hopeful that the first couple will have the best price. You click on them, but each one says ‘Sold Out’ at the very bottom of the 18 paragraphs describing what you were already going to buy. I get that some things are limited edition, but how about not listing them on an ecommerce site once you’ve sold all of them? What’s really bad is the number of major sites that actually still do this: Amazon, Staples, Walmart, Sears, pretty much all of the top selling retailers. Google is just as guilty for enabling them. It’s called technology and there is no excuse for it, since pretty much every inventory control application designed in the past 10 years should be able to remove something from the catalog once it’s out of stock. Rather than correct this, they’re perfectly content with being the guy who still brags about someone they slept with in high school, ten years later. Die. 

"Sold Out"

The Oscars Are Run By Hipsters

In general, I’m not a fan of anything that is titled one thing (the Academy Awards), but called something else entirely (the Oscars.) It’s annoying and makes me think you’re just trying to make it appear like a real person. More so than that, the choice of actors and best picture nominations are usually not only annoying, but insulting. I get that more popular, mainstream films stand a greater chance to appeal to the masses, and honestly, they often are the winners, which makes sense, sure. But do you really have to include a bunch of films and actors I have never heard of and no one has even watched? I remember sitting down and viewing all of the films nominated one year, each one being a disappointment. It was 1992; Howard’s End put me to sleep before the beginning, Scent of a Woman smelled like sweaty feet, and the Crying Game… A Few Good Men was just an A-list rip off of Law & Order, so don’t even act like that’s a saving grace. There have been other years where all of the films were good to great, like 1990 and 1991, which primarily showcased a bunch of guy flicks. But usually, and pretty much the majority of other years, they have to slip some film snob crap in there, like the Pianist, starring Adrian Brody’s annoying looking face, sponsored by Starbucks, Apple, and stupid looking sweaters. They even once had a movie about a talking pig. I rest my case. Or I could continue. 
Every time Daniel Day-Lewis does a movie, it’s almost a given he will be nominated or win best actor. If average Joseph was named Daniel Day-Lewis, I’d hit him right in the teeth, but D-Day has earned the right to have a hyphenated last name that suggests greatness due to his unrelenting portrayal of badassery in pretty much every role and his ability to tell Hollywood that he will be going on vacation for five years. Then there is Sean Penn, hipster personified. Not only is he a washed up actor, turned director, but he’s also a self-appointed diplomat that travels to other countries to speak against US foreign policy, behind heavily fortified walls, surrounded by armed bodyguards, 50 miles from militarized zones, and with a single-serve coffee machine, oh, and a photographer; what a brave man. Do you ever do anything that’s not about publicity, like, oh, I don’t know, act and direct? This year’s Lupus award for worst looking face to ever grace a screen goes to, Sean Penn, again. In short, just watch movies that sound interesting to you and not those weighted down by bullshit, elitist-voted awards that involve more politics than actual art. 

"Whoa, bra, you should like, leave the 

Falkland Islands alone. Hehehehehe."

Update: 2013

There are two possibilities currently for our existence. One, we are deceased, none of us having survived the end of the world, yet we go on under the illusion of survivors. Two, we, the anti-social, are together, albeit not together, as a loose knit pack of lone wolves that have survived the end times and exist among the souls of those who have fallen. It took more effort to write out option two, and no one likes hybrids of previous possibilities, so we’ll just stick with that. Twenty-eight countries, six continents, one club; we rule.

Those of you I have talked with have asked for a few things and it is time for me to answer some questions.

Will I be switching to Wordpress anytime soon?

No. I don’t want the hassle of having to worry about hosting and functionality when Blogger is still nice and simple, taking as little of my time as possible. Being anti-social requires a lot of doing nothing and the more I do and more I have to put up with, the angrier I get. Being as my blog is the outlet for my anger, it doesn’t make sense to switch. We are anti-social.

Will you be doing anything with other social networking sites?

I have and in case any of you are unaware, I now have a Pinterest account. Initially, it was also used for me to be a prick, but apparently the functionality of randomly sharing articles has grown on me. Expect not only more content, but a complete separation from the blog, since it serves a different purpose. The Pinterest account will be undergoing a name change in the coming weeks. If you’re wondering about Twitter or Tumblr or anything else, I usually don’t even think about them. I still find Twitter a bit insulting to true bloggers and Tumblr is more or less aimed at animated gifs and hipster crap; I don’t even own a Mac. We are anti-social. Anyone who has ADHD has no use for a Stumbleupon account. The Insanislupus Facebook profile sort of went against what Insanislupus and the Anti-social Club stood for. We are anti-social.

Is it Anti-Social Club or Anti-social Club? Grammar Nazis need to know.

It’s The Anti-social Club, but if you’re anti-social, why does it matter what I call it, how I say it, spell it, etc? We are anti-social.

Will I re-enable comments on my blog posts?

I’ve been giving this some thought, but honestly haven’t made the decision yet. The primary reason people want me to re-enable comments is because no one likes to email anymore. I get that, but at the same time, no one wants to go through the steps of commenting by logging in, or filling out a captcha, and the captcha has to be enabled to prevent bots. No one likes newbs that comment on every single post with one word praise. No one cares about likes, +1s, shares, etc. and those of our kind say what we want to say and do what we want to do because of who we are, not acceptance or some popularity contest. It’s great if we are in agreement, and perfectly fine if it is shared for the amusement of others, and better still if it is something that speaks for you, but it doesn’t really bother me if it never gets read. We are anti-social.

Will I be doing the 30 days of Thanksgiving again?

I’m sure most of you realized the entire thing was a mockery of the online trend, but I will be damned if those entries were not invigorating and didn’t help me get through a crappy month. Not only will I be revisiting next year, but I am about to begin 14 days of Love for February, including fourteen things I love. Don’t expect something like that every month, because that’s lame and tiresome. However, I plan on re-focusing the blog this year. We are anti-social.

I don’t feel like answering anymore and I don’t know why I ended every paragraph with “We are anti-social.”

The picture above is a picture of nothing.

You Will Spend 43 Days On Hold In Your Life

Unless you read my blog. Seriously, I was just on a Gremlin's website and that same headline popped up. I investigated and sure enough, a bunch of people in the comments section were giving their lame, privileged advice and passing the Grey Poupon. None of them know how to live. This is not acceptable to my readers. 

Action Plan Phase I:
What you do when they keep you on hold for more than a minute is hang up, call back and act irate like you were disconnected while put on hold. Anyone who tells you they have worked the phones before and they know this trick and put people on hold even longer are probably lying and you should unfriend them now. However, if you do run into this in real life...

Action Plan Phase II:
If they put you on hold again and have the audacity to treat you like you simply hung up and pretended to be disconnected, repeat phase I, except this time ask the person you're speaking with for their name, tell them you have been disconnected twice, and that if they cannot properly handle your call you want to speak to whoever is in charge. People in the industry say that the customer "is" or "has become" escalated, which makes no sense and I'm still confused why they say it, but they do, and now you've involved two people with your call, one of which you know by name, and who doesn't want to be reprimanded for the first twat that put you on hold, disconnecting you in the process. I've never used this next one, but you may not be as experienced as me when becoming escalated. 

Action Plan Phase III: 
They actually put you on hold again after you have told them repeatedly you are a charter member of the Anti-Social Club and have lunch with Insanislupus once a week. In their defense, they've probably dated me. In yours, you rule by proxy, so this is not acceptable. Ask the person you're speaking with's name, and then explain that you have been disconnected three times for one inquiry, more times than you have been disconnected in your entire life, and that you called and got a hold of (last person's name). Regardless of if they like or dislike the person you name-dropped, they will be more inclined to help you to either cover for them, or make them look even more incompetent. Demand to speak to someone in charge, explaining repeatedly that it is not acceptable to treat a loyal customer of ten days like this. Ideally, the customer service rep will agree with you and directly take your call to satisfy your needs. If not, then repeatedly demand to speak to their supervisor or manager until they cave, at which point, you get all of them in trouble, including John (the first person you never actually remembered the name of) and you should be enjoying yourself at this point so all of it was worth it. 

"Good afternoon, this is John, and not only am

 I a customer service representative, but I'm also

 a charter member of the Anti-Social Club, which 

pretty much means you better come up with an

 Action Plan Phase IV; I rule." 

No One Cares Your Kids Were Shot

Everyone was horrified when twenty kids were mowed down in Newtown, Connecticut, and the media was happy to increase their ratings with up to the minute coverage that obviously didn't include staff editors.  I know, you’re thinking it’s horrible I’m making light of an American tragedy, but what about the other kids that were killed in school shootings in 2012? That’s right, you probably never heard about them. Two incidents in 2012, one involving seven victims, the other involving three, apparently barely registered with anyone because either the victims were too old for anyone to care, or there just weren't enough of them to proudly display as a news headline. What about the seven adults who died in Newtown? What about the fifteen other people injured in  attacks? Or the four gunmen who committed suicide? There is no difference between kids and teenagers, or even adults, when it comes to losing their life. Do you seriously think people who lose a twenty-year-old thank God it wasn't their nine-year-old? No, because they actually lost someone, and it was more important than some passing news story everyone jumped on like a retarded poodle in order to share empathy disguised as sympathy and feel vindicated after expressing your beliefs about gun-control, something you more than likely never cared about until it was cool. I just want to congratulate everyone for ensuring that someone else with mental problems will attempt to gain fame and outdo the new school shooting record next time, thanks to the news and fake people with no care in the world outside of political agendas. Yes, I know the school massacre record is actually forty-three, not including the killer, because I actually care enough about tragedy to have a sense of history, and history says no one cares unless it’s a lot of victims, and even then, only for a short while. 

A retarded poodle watches Obama's inauguration. 

Bring On the RFID Chip

In case you live in a country that doesn't read my blog, rapid-frequency identification chips are what every conspiracy theorists and paranoid schizophrenic worries the government will force us to use as a form of identification. It is even somewhere in the Book of Revelations where it talks about not being able to buy and sell because they don’t have the mark of the beast. Normally, I would admit that the government could misuse this and track down where I write my blog, attempting to prevent me from “starting” an international coalition of anti-social sleeper cells made up of disenfranchised hate bloggers across the globe. But I actually like living here and so far have shown little resistance aside from pointing out all the asinine things people do. Now looking through my wallet reveals 4 debit cards, 3 credit cards, and 1 health spending account card, all used for purchases. This doesn't include my driver’s license, car insurance card, medical insurance card, dental insurance card, university ID, or any of the half dozen store membership cards I carry. Thank God I never use cash.

This obvious annoyance would go away forever if we could simply wave our hand to make a purchase instead of rummaging through your wallet for a five minutes. If a cop wants your ID, give him a quick middle finger, which allows him to scan your chip and reveal you are not wanted for armed robbery or sex with minors, and that you just purchased 12 rolls of Bounty Paper Towels an hour ago. But he will never know why and that’s good enough for me. The government doesn't go after people for intent, unless they intend to be terrorists. Sure, there have been cases where people were sent to Guantanamo for looking like one, but they probably were secretly planning something anyway; it’s in the eyes. All I know is my back hurts from sitting on that wallet, which is why I never sit on my wallet. I also forget the damn thing sometimes. If I had an RFID chip, my problems would be solved. Who’s with me?   

RFID chips cannot catalog everything in a women's purse. 

Yet.

I Haven't Seen Your Pet

Nothing pisses me off more than the idiots who keep posting these Hurricane Sandy missing pet posters all over the social networks. Oh, you're missing your cat in New Jersey? Well, you're in luck! The hurricane winds picked them up and landed them safely into my loving arms, in Kentucky. It's a miracle. I'll ship them back in the mail. I get it that you might have friends in those cities, but wouldn't it be way cooler to the 99% of your friends who don't live there to not waste their time advertising an animal they will never find? We all love pets and everyone likes to be reunited with a lost one, but I personally think if it winds up several states away, it was trying to escape, so leave it the hell alone. 

Here's Johnny!