Wal-Mart(s)

There is no need to do a long paragraph about Wal-Mart. You already know what it is. Hell, China does, too. What you do need to know is that this blog originates from the state of Kentucky. Why is that important? Well, allow me to tell you. People from Kentucky are some of the stupidest people in the world. To make us look smart, we boast statistics like this: “Percentage of high school graduates in college, vocational/trade school, the military, or currently employed? 95.27%” That’s about as slick as saying, “Percentage of living people in Kentucky still breathing? 100%”

There are other statistics to brag about, Kentucky has a higher percentage of tooth loss than the National Hockey League. Kentucky has 100% of its public water systems fluoridated.* Kentucky has more horses than people. Kentucky has more horse carriages than horses. Kentucky grows more marijuana than everyone else, combined. Kentucky has more high horses in carriages than marijuana. Even more amazing as how we invent things, such as measuring distance in time (Wal-Mart is ten minutes from here) and adding an s to every store (which makes up for us dropping the g on words that end in –ing, so Wal-Marts is ten minutes from here.) Now don’t get me wrong, we are finally above the national average in graduation rates, and we’re certainly not as stupid as Nevada, but I assure you, one stay in Kentucky will confirm that we do have a percentage of our population that stands out as the dumbest people on the planet.

Rather than go on and on, I present you a list:

12 Ways to Not Get Shot By Me, by me.

01 Don’t go to Wal-mart(s).

02 Don’t get bent out of shape because you were behind me and I took “your” parking spot. First come, first serve. Just ask your girlfriend.

03 Don’t pretend like it is your cart when it is clearly next to me and I have items in it and a loaded gun in my hand.

04 Don’t reach for the same item I am when there is an entire shelf of them. I’m going to hit you in your teeth after I hit your boyfriend in the teeth. Then I’ll shoot you.

05 Don’t run out of the aisle not expecting to run into someone with a loaded gun.

06 Don’t bring your bratty, unbathed, filthy kid. I’ll be tempted to shoot you.

07 Don’t bring yourself when you’re covered in filth and smell like the bathroom of Goldstar Chili. I’ll be even more tempted to shoot you.

08 Don’t walk like a penguin and make sure you walk in straight lines. This annoys me and I will shoot you.

09 Don’t cut me in line, especially if you are buying gift cards. I’m already over on the 20 Items Or Less and will be forced to lose the bullets.

10 Don’t argue with me in Spanish (or any other language I don’t know), because I will assume you called my mom a whore and shoot you.

11 Don’t brag about having a gun. Everyone does. You’re in Wal-mart(s) where they sell them.

12 Shoot yourself first, that way I won’t have to.

That is why I hate Wal-Mart.

*These statistics in no way correlate. Repeat, in no way, shape or form does fluoride eat away at enamel, bone, or any other calcium-based part of your body and slowly destroy it. In fact, despite Kentucky’s percentage of fluoridated water being the highest and matching the amount of tooth loss, as well as incidences of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, osteoporosis, etc. etc. there is no link to fluoride and ill health effects. Nothing to see here.

Black Friday

July 20th, 1993, the music world was taken by storm in the form of Cypress Hill’s second album, “Black Sunday.” This was the first ever rap album to gain crossover success into the rock/metal world. “Insane In the Brain” was a hit, and it was backed by awesome songs such as “I Wanna Get High,” I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That” and “When the Shit Goes Down,” (not to mention the next ten songs on the album.) But this isn’t a blog about things I like. No, it’s about things I hate, which leads us to five days later, Black Friday.

Now most people shudder at the words ‘black’ and ‘hate’ in the same sentence, but I hate Black Friday. For one, it advertises “insane” prices on things they are just trying to get rid of. For example, Best Buy is selling a netbook for around $200. Well, I will sell you a laptop for the same price. They both will be shitty. By offering something that doesn’t cost them anywhere near $200, they will sucker you in to buy their junk, including their extended service plan on this junk, which you will buy because you think the item you are purchasing has the potential to be junk. Then we get to the peripherals. Only $10 dollars for a USB printer cable! (That they paid $2 for.) Ask yourself this, if Black Friday is such a great time to go shopping, how come you can’t go and buy a car for 30-50% off? Because automakers are the kings of screwing people out of cash, that’s why. Their prices are already so ridiculously high (and they collude with the banks on loans so you can pay for your car twice), that offering you a grand or two doesn’t hurt the salesman, the lot, or the franchise in the slightest bit. My car was blue booked at $17,000. I saved over $4000 (read: paid for close to what the car really cost.) Why? Because I walked in and gave them the price I would buy the car for. They caved, instantly. Who got screwed? The banks. They expect you to pay ridiculous finance charges for their loans. I expected them to go fuck themselves. In short, cars are never up for Black Friday, so why do you expect to get anything else for cheap?

For two, it is completely inhabited by people who once attended the Who concert in Cincinnati and can’t wait to relive those eleven crushing deaths thirty years ago. Last year they only crushed one at Wal-Mart (and two people shot and killed each other in an incident “unrelated to shopping” at Toys ‘R’ Us, where hit men usually take down their targets.) Where are we as people when getting toys and gadgets is more important than a human life? Not only was it a human life, but some sorry human life barely scraping by working at a crappy store that is trying to globalize. Someone died so you could have your stupid discount, which if you read the last paragraph, you may realize it’s not really a discount. People in stores at this time are far worse than being caged with a lion and wrapped in bacon. Ever seen a mother, with her kids, at four in the morning trying to run you down with a cart? How about some huge, beast of a woman being pursued by Captain Ahab as she rips the $50 dollar Blu-Ray player out of your hand and says, “mine!” We will never know if the guys who shot each other at Toys ‘R’ Us were bloodthirsty killers, acting in self defense, or from rival toy stores.

For three, you can order shit online, usually actually saving money, usually free shipping, no gas, no hassle, and no annoying, rabid, people. Fact: No one has ever been shot online. I do the majority of my shopping online anyway, why not Christmas? I like how people say that shopping it a timeless tradition and so much thought goes into walking around a store and picking up a present. You will believe this if you a.) have never been Christmas shopping and b.) didn’t read my second point. Take that movie ‘Big,’ with Tom Hanks. Here we have a guy doing Christmas shopping. To go back, he couldn’t ride a rollercoaster or something with some girl because he was too short, so he makes a wish and ages by twenty years, shags some girl old enough to be his mother, enlists in the Army and storms the beaches of Normandy, only to uncover that Amelie is really the descendent of Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior. Somewhere in there he meets Robert Loggia and they play a giant piano. Holiday shopping is nothing like this. Shopping online helps you to avoid being killed, or killing people, unless you wax your mailman. Truth is, no one gives a shit about the thought, they want something they will like. Buy them a gift card and get over it.

In conclusion, I leave you with a preview of the next thing I hate. One hint, it’s on Monday.