There is no need to do a long paragraph about Wal-Mart. You already know what it is. Hell, China does, too. What you do need to know is that this blog originates from the state of Kentucky. Why is that important? Well, allow me to tell you. People from Kentucky are some of the stupidest people in the world. To make us look smart, we boast statistics like this: “Percentage of high school graduates in college, vocational/trade school, the military, or currently employed? 95.27%” That’s about as slick as saying, “Percentage of living people in Kentucky still breathing? 100%”
There are other statistics to brag about, Kentucky has a higher percentage of tooth loss than the National Hockey League. Kentucky has 100% of its public water systems fluoridated.* Kentucky has more horses than people. Kentucky has more horse carriages than horses. Kentucky grows more marijuana than everyone else, combined. Kentucky has more high horses in carriages than marijuana. Even more amazing as how we invent things, such as measuring distance in time (Wal-Mart is ten minutes from here) and adding an s to every store (which makes up for us dropping the g on words that end in –ing, so Wal-Marts is ten minutes from here.) Now don’t get me wrong, we are finally above the national average in graduation rates, and we’re certainly not as stupid as Nevada, but I assure you, one stay in Kentucky will confirm that we do have a percentage of our population that stands out as the dumbest people on the planet.
Rather than go on and on, I present you a list:
12 Ways to Not Get Shot By Me, by me.
01 Don’t go to Wal-mart(s).
02 Don’t get bent out of shape because you were behind me and I took “your” parking spot. First come, first serve. Just ask your girlfriend.
03 Don’t pretend like it is your cart when it is clearly next to me and I have items in it and a loaded gun in my hand.
04 Don’t reach for the same item I am when there is an entire shelf of them. I’m going to hit you in your teeth after I hit your boyfriend in the teeth. Then I’ll shoot you.
05 Don’t run out of the aisle not expecting to run into someone with a loaded gun.
06 Don’t bring your bratty, unbathed, filthy kid. I’ll be tempted to shoot you.
07 Don’t bring yourself when you’re covered in filth and smell like the bathroom of Goldstar Chili. I’ll be even more tempted to shoot you.
08 Don’t walk like a penguin and make sure you walk in straight lines. This annoys me and I will shoot you.
09 Don’t cut me in line, especially if you are buying gift cards. I’m already over on the 20 Items Or Less and will be forced to lose the bullets.
10 Don’t argue with me in Spanish (or any other language I don’t know), because I will assume you called my mom a whore and shoot you.
11 Don’t brag about having a gun. Everyone does. You’re in Wal-mart(s) where they sell them.
12 Shoot yourself first, that way I won’t have to.
That is why I hate Wal-Mart.
*These statistics in no way correlate. Repeat, in no way, shape or form does fluoride eat away at enamel, bone, or any other calcium-based part of your body and slowly destroy it. In fact, despite Kentucky’s percentage of fluoridated water being the highest and matching the amount of tooth loss, as well as incidences of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, osteoporosis, etc. etc. there is no link to fluoride and ill health effects. Nothing to see here.