You’ve been mauled by a Bengal tiger (not the football team, because they can’t maul shit), your heart beats slower and slower, while no amount of adrenaline can help you escape it’s clutches, despite what you learned in Sunday school. As you feel what’s left of your body start to tingle and go cold, calm comes over you. You see a white light at the end of the tunnel. Unlike all those douches in the scientific community, you know this is in fact good enough evidence that at the end is heaven. Despite all the times you walked past those annoying bucket holding bell ringers at Christmas and the fact that you knocked up the preachers daughter and paid for her out-of-county abortion and cheated on your pre-calculus test, etc. etc. etc. you have reached the pearly gates (oddly made out of steel from nirvana). You are judged and accepted to the afterlife, for the sole point of Christianity is forgiveness, and for once you agree, it is divine.
Inside, you are overcome with warmth, love, peace, and there is grandma, making fried chicken and mashed potatoes, as grandpa sits, smoking his non-cancerous pipe and reading the paper he never could in life. Dad pops out from underneath the hood of his old Ford Bronco, smiling now that the transmission is fixed. Mom whistles off in the distance, while she feeds the birds in the back yard. Your sister throws a water balloon at you, and while now drenched, you are not angry at all. You’re like a kid again, no worries, no anger, frustration, nothing to make your day go wrong, or your afterlife. Then Amy Grant comes over an ethereal PA. You question where you actually went.
I’m not knocking religion here. I’m knocking Contemporary Christian music. First, let me compile a list of famous Contemporary Christian artists:
Amy Grant.
Second, let me compile a list of their accomplishments:
Married Vince Gill.
As you can see from my in-depth research, there is a strong correlation with Contemporary Christian musicians getting famous by marrying Vince Gill. As an experiment to test my hypothesis, I took the Oliver sisters, Janis and Kristine, allowing the former to marry Vince Gill and not play Contemporary Christian music, while the latter was not allowed to marry Vince Gill, but allowed to play Contemporary Christian music. Janis Oliver never got famous and apparently faded from even the dimmest of streetlights once replaced by Amy Grant. This research proves my findings.
With this research in hand. I question why anyone wants to play this garbage, let alone listen to it. When I get laid I’m usually thinking about who I am screwing, or Eva Mendes, and God/Son of God comes in dead last until she mentions him (which is why I never rule out sex with a mute.) When driving to work, I think about what exit I’m going to take, going to McDonalds to get a number 9, and stopping at Shell to play the Powerball. Until I win that Powerball, I’m not thinking of God/Son of God. When listening to music, I want to hear some good guitar, with a good beat, filled in with a warm bass, and some lyrics that make me think. I don’t want to hear Amy Grant.
My version of heaven is much as described in the bible. I sit upon a throne, and four naked, female angels sit around me, and… whatever else is in the bible, also female and naked. Hell, even Amy Grant is in heaven with me, naked, of course, and mute to boot. In closing, I would just like to say that I hate Contemporary Christian music, unless sung by naked, female angels.