It is the season twenty-seven debut of Ghost Hunters. We are promised evidence beyond belief that, indeed, ghosts are real. We sit through the entire show, the arguments between cast members, the cliffhangers, the commercials, and finally we arrive at the last segment. We get exactly what we always knew was true; Ghost Hunters is a crock of shit.
According to the overwhelming majority of shows about ghosts and hauntings, there are only two places in the world that are haunted; the United Kingdom and Pennsylvania.
The United Kingdom has a bloody past. Aside from the Spanish, the English are the only people capable of killing everyone and everything, and they had the money to do it. Add to the fact that the UK also contains the Scottish, Irish and Welsh, and you have a whole country devoted to killing. Well, maybe not the Welsh. Of course the UK is haunted.
Pennsylvania has a long history of important political figures and events. For instance, Denzel Washington cured Tom Hanks of AIDS so he could be the first gay astronaut. The Pittsburg Penguins had their asses handed to them by the Detroit Red Wings in the 07-08 Stanley Cup Finals. Kevin Bacon, born and raised. More befitting, Rocky Balboa defeated Apollo Creed in a rematch there in one of the hugest upsets in boxing history. It is said that after the deaths of both Apollo Creed at the hands of Ivan Drago and Mickey Goldmill at the hands of Clubber Lang, their spirits still haunt the arena.
Unsolved Mysteries was the first show I remember that covered ghosts. It was hosted by that creepy guy who was scarier than the ghosts, but I liked it all the same. Following this was Sightings, a show that featured 55 minutes of UFO’s and the Loch Ness Monster and 5 minutes of ghosts. It was at least a good five minutes. Then came Ghosthunters, not to be confused with Ghost Hunters, which featured, well, ghost hunters. Then there was Haunted History, Most Haunted, Most Haunted History, and my personal favorite, the best ghost show ever, A Haunting. These shows all had the same format. A camera rolls over a haunted place and a creepy narrator tells you a tale. The music makes the story scarier than it actually is and the spooked guests interviewed make this a great show to explore paranormal folklore.
Then came Ghost Hunters. The show revolves around two guys who bitch and complain and cry and we have top put up with their families and basically it is a non-stop add for Roto-rooter. You’ll need to call them because you will have a drain backed up with so much bullshit it’s not funny. This show has been on for five seasons, with over 100 episodes. During this time, they have proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt, two guys who work for Roto-Rooter cannot find ghosts. They come with all kinds of equipment, all of which combined cannot compare to a single Proton Pack from the Ghostbusters. But here is where Pennsylvania comes into play.
Following Ghost Hunters was shows like Paranormal State, about a college group of paranormal researchers or investigators, or whatever bullshit title you can throw on yourself to make you sound legitimate. It just so happens to be at Penn State. Just the other day I watched a show (which I actually liked because it followed the same format as A Haunting) called The Haunted, about animal ghosts. In Pennsylvania. Yes, I blame Ghost Hunters. Why? Because Ghost Academy, its spinoff, takes place in, yes, you are correct, Pennsylvania, and has the exact same premise as Paranormal State. Then there is Ghost Adventures, where a team of investigators run around Pennsylvania and explore haunted houses. Then we have another Ghost Hunters spinoff, Ghost Hunters International, where some of the best ghost hunters across the world are flown into Pennsylvania so they can explore it.
To summarize, Pennsylvania is not haunted anymore than any other location, but evidence (in the form of equipment that makes noises, records sounds, captures images of nothing, etc.) suggests that it is about as haunted as the Ghost Hunters show. I’m thinking about starting a porn film studio where no one ever has sex. The actors just make out, get ready to do it, then we cut to commercial. We return to find out that the actors just had sex and we accidentally forgot to turn the camera on. We do have small bits of audio, but there is just too much static to hear anything. People believe in ghost, no problem there, but the popularity of a show that claims to do something it has never down just baffles me. If nothing else, they could at least contact Patrick Swayze.