Thursday, March 18, 2010

UFC

I remember back in the day watching UFC 1, a video a friend of mine had acquired. In the crowd stood a massive 3,000 people (okay, that figure includes the fighters, trainers, security and everyone working the venue that night, and let us also include the people who worked the pay lots nearby.) 8 men in 4 matches, followed by the 4 winners in 2 matches, followed by the 2 winners in 1 match. No weight classes back in the day. To summarize, people lost a shitload of money betting against some short and skinny Brazilian guy dressed like the Karate Kid who kicked everyone’s ass.
Due to the fact that no one wanted to actually show up at the event and that the only money being made was selling videos, they doubled the amount of fights to make sure the total fight time was longer than it took you to take a shit after eating Goldstar Chili. Essentially, people liked the fights, but they didn’t appreciate seeing the fighters, trainers, ring girls, etc. three times as much as the fighter actually fighting. Did I forget to mention it was style versus style? Yes, you had the chance to see Taekwondo against Ninjlupu (the later of which would always win.) In the second video the same guy won.
Video 3 was somewhat controversial. The same guy who won the last two would have went on to the finals, but his team threw in the towel against his wishes. Scam. People lost a shitload of money once again because by now they were convinced that Rio De Jamacchio would win. Of course, he would go on to win the fourth, and drew on the fifth against the man who changed the UFC forever, Ken Shamrock. In case you’re curious, these two just fought each other, the actual tournament was won by Dan Severn (who lost to Rolls Royce Graycie the previous time.
But more on Ken Shamrock. To me, UFC used to be a great tournament, the ultimate fighter, which was a battle of pure skill and application. Once Shamrock showed up, it was a battle of two camps. On one side you had guys who were loud (think the film 300), had too much testosterone (think the film 300), and homosexual tendencies (again, think the film 300). On the other side you had fighters who were just trying to be tough guys, wanting to prove they were better than their opponents. Then they stick each of them in a cage and start the showers, dropping the soap on the ground. Essentially, a bunch of repressed homosexuals take all of their rage out in the octagon, and you are treated to a real manly display of… men.
But you’re probably asking, why do I hate the UFC? Well, it’s simple. I get tired of people who for whatever reason (small penis) take a few lessons in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu and all the sudden think they are a walking badass. Worse, many of these people seriously think they are competitors to actual UFC fighters, when in reality they couldn’t beat a retired, drunk and bound Tank Abbot, of they were aloud to use a hammer. They show up (single) at places wearing Tapout shirts (not laid in months), thinking they are going to score a woman because they are badass.
So now what’s your favorite sport? UFC? Good, sit yourself down next to all the other retards who have no clue UFC is not a fucking sport. UFC is a brand name for Mixed Martial Arts. Worse, it’s only been successful for the past four years. Before that, it nearly went bankrupt repeatedly and they had to practically beg fighters to fight for them. It’s not synonymous with the NFL or NBA or MLB or even fucking MLS. Well, maybe Major League Soccer; I will give them that. These are just some of the reasons I hate UFC.

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