According to the Department of Labor, people who earn a college bachelor’s degree make $1,000,000 (one- million-dollars) more in their lifetime than someone without one. Add another million to that if you get a master’s degree, and I didn’t bother to look up a PhD, so we will pretend it is ten times that. For those of you who make $20,000 dollars a year, you’re probably contemplating suicide; college is a better alternative and not as hard as you’re probably thinking. Yes, even after taxes, that’s a lot of money.
There are a few things that I hate about college. For one, they have a general core. I don’t hate that, as it is basically two English classes and a Speech class and a Math class, all of which will help you with all of your other classes. Then you have the liberal arts core. Then the diversity core. I’m pretty sure this is leading deeper and deeper into your ass, because this is all a crock of shit.
Liberal arts degrees are for people who have no clue what the hell they want to do with a college degree. There is no shame in it; it actually helps round you out as far as an education goes. However, if I know what I want to do for the rest of my life, American History isn’t going to help me breed Spanish horses. Still, the liberal arts core (which comprises over a quarter of the classes you need for a bachelor’s,) is lauded as required for teaching students to be diverse and open-minded. Then they force you to take a diversity core. Okay, free-thinkers, open your minds to other cultures that we are forcing you to study. Better yet, study them from a distance, because we don’t want them coming to our schools. You would think they would prefer you spend your focus on whatever field you plan on going into, but out of the 120-130 credit hours schools require 45 of them to be on a major. You read that correct, the majority of your college career will be spent studying something you never wanted to, something the school made you.
Finally, we get to finals. Allow me to paint a scene where finals will play out in real life. All of your life you have studied to be Dr. House. Perfecting your gimp leg, looking like the guy from Beastmaster on crack, smoking crack, and being eccentric have all paid off and you are trying to diagnose a patient with a rare and crippling disease. Is it: a) Septic Arthritis b) Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease c) Guillain Barre Syndrome d) Lupus e) None of the above. You decide it has to be b) Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. The family immediately wants a definition of the disease with the underlying symptoms. The medical board wants an essay on why you think it is Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, discussing your three major points as to why it is this disease, how to treat it, and a bibliography of all sources used. They will get back to you within two weeks. This is how relevant finals are to the career you have decided to go into. Why should anyone have to remember a bunch of shit they will never use again?
Now I propose a new idea, tentatively titled the Final Solution. Remember how some textbooks had questions at the end of the chapters? Why not just have students answer them as they finish each chapter, thus putting an end to the finals once and for all. In doing this, I present to you the above paragraph as done by the same doctor who used the Final Solution. All of your life you have studied to be Dr. House. Perfecting your gimp leg, looking like the guy from Beastmaster on crack, smoking crack, and being eccentric have all paid off and you are trying to diagnose a patient with a rare and crippling disease. You Google the symptoms and realize it is not a) Septic Arthritis. You further your Google the symptoms and realize it is not c) Guillain Barre Syndrome. In a last ditch effort, you even further Google the symptoms and realize it is not b) Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. You finally Wiki d) Lupus and realize that obsessive blogging about pointless and useless things is a symptom, coming to the conclusion that it is indeed what you are looking for. The family immediately wants a definition of the disease with the underlying symptoms, which you tell the to find by Googling Lupus Wiki. After spending hours reading my blogs, they hit the back button and select the second link on the search page, Lupus Wiki. The medical board does not question your medical degree from FU and even if they did you would get angry and shoot all of them, then blog about how you murdered seven people and saved someone from Lupus, all in the name of medicine.
Now if you are sent to the chair and executed for murdering the medical board, please come back and confirm if there is an entrance exam to get into heaven. If so, I will blog about that.