It is rare that I hate something with so much passion (see entries 1-6), but finally I have found something. A little background. As a child, I had problems hearing. After a successful doctor visit, it was decided that I had to have my adenoids taken out due to an infection. I remember going into the operating room and being gassed as the doctors partied like it was 1939. I was later fished from the river Ohio and I woke up later to apple juice and a small collection of red fire trucks from the nurses. I went on to lead the Convingtonians away from the evil pharaoh of Cincinnati, but I loved doing that, so no need to cover it here. Back to the hospital, I was left with a void. I had no adenoids and would later grow up with week math skills. The question that always haunted me was “where are my adenoids?” Follow me on an investigative blog to the truth about organ donation.
Nothing pisses me off more than what the Egyptions started millennia ago. Yes, out of spite, I spelled their name wrong. The Egyptionianthals, those who predated the Egyptions, thought organ transplants could save lives. To do this, they decided to place organs of famous people in mason jars (made of brick at the time, hence the name). The problem with this was that the little rubber seal on a mason jar only lasted a few years, thus the organs were no good after that. To further insult them, the Egyptions built houses in the desert. Oh, I wonder how their kingdom fell? Moving along, today organ donation is big business. So much that people are harvesting kidneys from Mexicans. One kidney will get you across the border with a green card. I decided to do a little research and found the Top Ten Myths about Organ Donation from the Mayo clinic. Rather than post the myths and reality segment and boost the number of hits their site gets, I will instead post their myths, followed by my personal opinions on them.
Myth- If I agree to donate my organs, my doctor or the emergency room staff won't work as hard to save my life. They'll remove my organs as soon as possible to save somebody else.
Reality- This happens all the time on ER. Even George Clooney let someone die in order to save two people. While I respect anyone who can make this decision and only on television does such an instance occur where two people need transplants and some unlucky organ donor is on the table dying, this man obviously never read this blog before he signed that card. Character on a TV show or not, I apologize for procrastinating.
Myth- Maybe I won't really be dead when they sign my death certificate. It'll be too late for me if they've taken my organs for transplantation. I might have otherwise recovered.
Reality- In an episode of the Twilight Zone, this very thing happened. Well, a guy was dead, couldn’t move and all we heard were his thoughts and how everyone ignored him, until he let out a single tear and the organ extractor realized he was still alive. Even recently, a guy in the news they thought was in a coma wasn’t, for over twenty years!
Myth- Organ donation is against my religion.
Reality- Okay, how is this arguable?
Myth- I'm under age 18. I'm too young to make this decision.
Reality- This isn’t a fucking myth. It’s a law. Since when did the Mayo Clinic start hiring military recruiters to write for them?
Myth- I want my loved one to have an open-casket funeral. That can't happen if his or her organs or tissues have been donated.
Reality- I assure you, if you read the reality behind “myth” 1, and you used the half a brain you haven’t donated to marijuana research already, there is no need for that funeral. Just don’t sign that card.
Myth- I'm too old to donate. Nobody would want my organs.
Reality- The original script to the 2002 film, They, written by Brendan Hood and then rewritten to not resemble the original script, involved a race of organic machines who harvested body parts off of humans. However, this film was never produced, and instead we had an awesome film bombarded with horrible acting and plot holes, making it a less than enjoyable one. In short, these beings, protected by Hollywood devil-worshipers, will take any and all organs.
Myth- I'm not in the greatest health and my eyesight is poor. Nobody would want my organs or tissues.
Reality- You don’t’ take care of your own health and you want to help someone else with theirs? Please do not donate your brain. The costs to find it will be more than the transplant.
Myth- I would like to donate one of my kidneys now, rather than wait until my death. But I hear you can't do that unless you're a close family member of someone in need.
Reality- I have two answers to this myth. One, the reality is that the one in need of that kidney will be you when one fails, dumb ass. We can survive with one kidney, yet we have two. I’m pretty sure it was intended for you to keep both of them in case one of them quit. Second, you’re donating your kidney to companies that sell chili. Learn to read.
Myth- Rich, famous and powerful people always seem to move to the front of the line when they need a donor organ. There's no way to ensure that my organs will go to those who've waited the longest or are the neediest.
Reality- Organ donation is a scam. It’s a big money one, too. In fact, the 2002 film, They, was financed completely from the harvested organs of college students, Mexicans and cans of chili.
Myth- My family will be charged if I donate my organs.
Reality- You’ll be dead, so why do you care? Normally, people are only charged for “donating” their sexual organs. Sadly, they’re usually charged twice. $20 the first time, Soliciting the second.
Myth- Ancient organic machines, who run the world and harvest organs from the living and the dead, have covered up their secret existence and their link to organ donation, all while making their existence seem completely fictional because Wes Craven had the script to the 2002 film, They, rewritten to suck.
Reality- It’s true.
In closing, I would advise against taking advice from the Mayo Clinic. Miracle Whip is better anyway. Also, and you may not agree, but you’d be better off donating your body to a more worthy cause, such as science-fiction. This way, you will not only stay alive longer, you will even be posthumously famous when some geek writes a novel about you.
Disclaimer: These are all facts and not bullshit from some shadow organization covering for organic machines living deep within the Earth, oh, and these are also the views of Google, Myspace, and everyone else.