Easter Is Older Than You

I was on Facebook today when I counted a total of 17 status updates from people who were tired of seeing all the pictures of Jesus in their news feed, because it’s apparently not Easter and they don’t live in a country where the majority of people self-identify as Christian. What I found most ironic was that I didn't see a single picture of Jesus. Not one. Sure, there were the no-longer-funny zombie Jesus updates, as well as the boring Happy Easter ones, but not one religious mention. Being the awesome person I am, I decided to make a picture (or steal it from someone on the internet and do a horrible job defacing it) so their protests wouldn't be over nothing. Happy Easter, everyone. Antisocial Jesus wants you to...

... especially about the pagan origins of every 

Christian holiday that everyone in the world 

already knows and doesn't care about; 

you're not smart.

Sold Out

I’m really sick and tired of websites that list something they no longer have to sell. It’s the equivalent of walking into a hospital while bleeding to death and them telling you they used to have an emergency room. Dick move. It works like this: You search Google for an item and get back 1,000,000 hits, hopeful that the first couple will have the best price. You click on them, but each one says ‘Sold Out’ at the very bottom of the 18 paragraphs describing what you were already going to buy. I get that some things are limited edition, but how about not listing them on an ecommerce site once you’ve sold all of them? What’s really bad is the number of major sites that actually still do this: Amazon, Staples, Walmart, Sears, pretty much all of the top selling retailers. Google is just as guilty for enabling them. It’s called technology and there is no excuse for it, since pretty much every inventory control application designed in the past 10 years should be able to remove something from the catalog once it’s out of stock. Rather than correct this, they’re perfectly content with being the guy who still brags about someone they slept with in high school, ten years later. Die. 

"Sold Out"

The Oscars Are Run By Hipsters

In general, I’m not a fan of anything that is titled one thing (the Academy Awards), but called something else entirely (the Oscars.) It’s annoying and makes me think you’re just trying to make it appear like a real person. More so than that, the choice of actors and best picture nominations are usually not only annoying, but insulting. I get that more popular, mainstream films stand a greater chance to appeal to the masses, and honestly, they often are the winners, which makes sense, sure. But do you really have to include a bunch of films and actors I have never heard of and no one has even watched? I remember sitting down and viewing all of the films nominated one year, each one being a disappointment. It was 1992; Howard’s End put me to sleep before the beginning, Scent of a Woman smelled like sweaty feet, and the Crying Game… A Few Good Men was just an A-list rip off of Law & Order, so don’t even act like that’s a saving grace. There have been other years where all of the films were good to great, like 1990 and 1991, which primarily showcased a bunch of guy flicks. But usually, and pretty much the majority of other years, they have to slip some film snob crap in there, like the Pianist, starring Adrian Brody’s annoying looking face, sponsored by Starbucks, Apple, and stupid looking sweaters. They even once had a movie about a talking pig. I rest my case. Or I could continue. 
Every time Daniel Day-Lewis does a movie, it’s almost a given he will be nominated or win best actor. If average Joseph was named Daniel Day-Lewis, I’d hit him right in the teeth, but D-Day has earned the right to have a hyphenated last name that suggests greatness due to his unrelenting portrayal of badassery in pretty much every role and his ability to tell Hollywood that he will be going on vacation for five years. Then there is Sean Penn, hipster personified. Not only is he a washed up actor, turned director, but he’s also a self-appointed diplomat that travels to other countries to speak against US foreign policy, behind heavily fortified walls, surrounded by armed bodyguards, 50 miles from militarized zones, and with a single-serve coffee machine, oh, and a photographer; what a brave man. Do you ever do anything that’s not about publicity, like, oh, I don’t know, act and direct? This year’s Lupus award for worst looking face to ever grace a screen goes to, Sean Penn, again. In short, just watch movies that sound interesting to you and not those weighted down by bullshit, elitist-voted awards that involve more politics than actual art. 

"Whoa, bra, you should like, leave the 

Falkland Islands alone. Hehehehehe."

Love #5: John McClane

The greatest thing about the Die Hard series is that they basically just built it around Willis. The first film shows what Willis would do if terrorist took over Demi Moore’s work. The second film shows what Willis would do if terrorists showed up at the SAG Awards. The third film shows what Willis would do if terrorists showed up while he was hanging out with Samuel L. Jackson. The fourth film shows what Willis would do if terrorists hacked his Facebook account. The fifth films shows what Willis would do if he was in Russia, his son was on steroids, and terrorists showed up. I just watched this marathon in the theaters, so my analysis of these films is spot on. Pretty much everything John McClane goes through is survivable. I admit that as the films go on, he does crazier stunts that make him appear more superhuman, but this is only because he’s built himself up to it, a veteran of being a badass. Honestly, the only thing separating you from being Willis is that you've never been put in his situation, are antisocial, and probably not as wealthy. 

"Yippee-ki-yay, Mister Drummond!" -Todd Bridges

Love #4: Ghosts

I grew up in a haunted house. Some of you might be saying, “Show me a peer-reviewed, scientific paper proving the existence of ghosts and then I will believe!” You are obviously new here and there is the exit, disguised as a tenth story window; we don’t idolize pretentious douche bags such as the members of JREF here. Others of you simply might not believe, and for that I cannot fault you. Before you start coming up with “rational” excuses, do you seriously believe most people instantly think everything they see is a ghost before ruling out other possibilities? Now I confess I have no proof of ghosts. Hell, I don’t even know if ghosts are really disembodied spirits, demons, electromagnetic traces of DNA that materialize under certain conditions, etc. but I know what I've seen. That “what” was seen by others. I love ghosts because they've kept me open-minded, kept me guessing, kept me exploring other possibilities, without just listening to what I’m told from established society, and most importantly give a firm, middle finger to the laws of physics.  

"I'm here to assess your paranormal claims."

Love #3: Dungeon Keeper 2

I’m not big into playing video games but Dungeon Keeper 2 is awesome for several reasons. It’s a game where you get to build a dungeon, narrated by some guy with a creepy, horror movie voice. Building certain rooms attracts certain types of creatures; goblins, salamanders, bile demons, etc. Whenever you build the dungeon to your specifications, you can then unleash the heroes; wizards, warriors, etc. who act as the bad guys invading your home. I know, you can do the same thing with your house. By simply having a place (or a vagina) for people to hang out, you can do all of the aforementioned, so long as you talk like Vincent Price. But allow me to explain some of the finer points. You can throw your minions out of the dungeon. You can beat them for standing around and doing nothing. You can train them and even put them to work for you. You can make them happy, or sad, by building various rooms. Okay, you could also do all of that to your friends or pets in your own home. But in Dungeon keeper 2, you can also build a prison where your imps will drag defeated enemies and house them. You then have several new options. You can let them die and they will rise as skeletons. You can put them in your torture chamber, which will either kill them, or convert them to your side. You can also sacrifice them at your temple and hope the gods repay your kindness. You can also possess one of your minions and go into 3D mode. Sure, you could break the law and do those things, but eventually your house smells and everyone will call you Dahmer. I love this game and have played it off and on since it came out. With a little work, you can get it to run on XP, Vista, and Win 7, but I’m not a nerd, so I can’t help you with that. 

Skeletons disco dancing after one of them hit the jackpot 

at the casino. The salamanders do look a bit retarded, 

but they have baby arms.  

Love #2: Yardbird

Some of you call it chicken. Most of you cannot cook it. I love nothing more than having some girl cook me the yardbird. In a blind, taste-test, I scored 100 percent when trying to identify women based on their cooking skills. I was also given a placebo, but that didn't taste like chicken. There is something sensual and erotic about it, compared to other foods. I like to start between the legs, making my way up to the thigh, or even bury my face in the breasts. Wetter the better; make love to that yardbird. Sure, you could do the same thing to beef or pork, but it’s not that sexy talking about eating a rump roast, which is basically analingus on a cow or pig’s ass. Can you already smell the manure? I love yardbird because you can skip foreplay with any woman who cooks it, unless she’s smart and serves it on herself. 

Eating some people’s yardbird is a religious experience.

Love #1: Glenn Danzig

You ever notice people complain about how bands crank out the same music? Ever notice that a lot of those same people also complain when people change their style of music? Yeah, they’re called Danzig “fans”. Danzig albums are usually grouped into two categories. The first four are called classic, because they had the same members on all of them. The rest are called experimental, because people lack imagination or good taste in music or didn't bother to actually listen to the albums because their cousin’s brother’s girlfriend’s hair stylist said they were crap. They were wrong. Get a few things straight right now. Glenn Danzig does what he wants. He put out a heavy blues album long before it was cool. He took metal into industrial and washed it clean again. All while caring as much as a honey badger in a cobra pit. Until you've written songs for Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, Willie Dixon, been in not one, but three legendary bands, performed solo, released more albums than you have fingers, work with whoever you want to, and been given an autograph by Insanislupus, don’t talk to me about fame. While we’re on the subject, stop pretending you went and hung out with the Misfits when you were five. You didn't listen to Samhain in grade school. Your Misfits shirt is not a tour version when it has a Hot Topic tag in it. And no one cares you listened to Danzig first and hid them like a relative who died while having sex with a mule so that no one would find out. That’s stupid and doesn't make any sense. Even if it is true, you only prevented a fanbase from growing. Good job, OG. Now go listen to Danzig 5 through 9 and return with an in-depth review. 

Who's OG now. Cred.

Update: 2013

There are two possibilities currently for our existence. One, we are deceased, none of us having survived the end of the world, yet we go on under the illusion of survivors. Two, we, the anti-social, are together, albeit not together, as a loose knit pack of lone wolves that have survived the end times and exist among the souls of those who have fallen. It took more effort to write out option two, and no one likes hybrids of previous possibilities, so we’ll just stick with that. Twenty-eight countries, six continents, one club; we rule.

Those of you I have talked with have asked for a few things and it is time for me to answer some questions.

Will I be switching to Wordpress anytime soon?

No. I don’t want the hassle of having to worry about hosting and functionality when Blogger is still nice and simple, taking as little of my time as possible. Being anti-social requires a lot of doing nothing and the more I do and more I have to put up with, the angrier I get. Being as my blog is the outlet for my anger, it doesn’t make sense to switch. We are anti-social.

Will you be doing anything with other social networking sites?

I have and in case any of you are unaware, I now have a Pinterest account. Initially, it was also used for me to be a prick, but apparently the functionality of randomly sharing articles has grown on me. Expect not only more content, but a complete separation from the blog, since it serves a different purpose. The Pinterest account will be undergoing a name change in the coming weeks. If you’re wondering about Twitter or Tumblr or anything else, I usually don’t even think about them. I still find Twitter a bit insulting to true bloggers and Tumblr is more or less aimed at animated gifs and hipster crap; I don’t even own a Mac. We are anti-social. Anyone who has ADHD has no use for a Stumbleupon account. The Insanislupus Facebook profile sort of went against what Insanislupus and the Anti-social Club stood for. We are anti-social.

Is it Anti-Social Club or Anti-social Club? Grammar Nazis need to know.

It’s The Anti-social Club, but if you’re anti-social, why does it matter what I call it, how I say it, spell it, etc? We are anti-social.

Will I re-enable comments on my blog posts?

I’ve been giving this some thought, but honestly haven’t made the decision yet. The primary reason people want me to re-enable comments is because no one likes to email anymore. I get that, but at the same time, no one wants to go through the steps of commenting by logging in, or filling out a captcha, and the captcha has to be enabled to prevent bots. No one likes newbs that comment on every single post with one word praise. No one cares about likes, +1s, shares, etc. and those of our kind say what we want to say and do what we want to do because of who we are, not acceptance or some popularity contest. It’s great if we are in agreement, and perfectly fine if it is shared for the amusement of others, and better still if it is something that speaks for you, but it doesn’t really bother me if it never gets read. We are anti-social.

Will I be doing the 30 days of Thanksgiving again?

I’m sure most of you realized the entire thing was a mockery of the online trend, but I will be damned if those entries were not invigorating and didn’t help me get through a crappy month. Not only will I be revisiting next year, but I am about to begin 14 days of Love for February, including fourteen things I love. Don’t expect something like that every month, because that’s lame and tiresome. However, I plan on re-focusing the blog this year. We are anti-social.

I don’t feel like answering anymore and I don’t know why I ended every paragraph with “We are anti-social.”

The picture above is a picture of nothing.

You Will Spend 43 Days On Hold In Your Life

Unless you read my blog. Seriously, I was just on a Gremlin's website and that same headline popped up. I investigated and sure enough, a bunch of people in the comments section were giving their lame, privileged advice and passing the Grey Poupon. None of them know how to live. This is not acceptable to my readers. 

Action Plan Phase I:
What you do when they keep you on hold for more than a minute is hang up, call back and act irate like you were disconnected while put on hold. Anyone who tells you they have worked the phones before and they know this trick and put people on hold even longer are probably lying and you should unfriend them now. However, if you do run into this in real life...

Action Plan Phase II:
If they put you on hold again and have the audacity to treat you like you simply hung up and pretended to be disconnected, repeat phase I, except this time ask the person you're speaking with for their name, tell them you have been disconnected twice, and that if they cannot properly handle your call you want to speak to whoever is in charge. People in the industry say that the customer "is" or "has become" escalated, which makes no sense and I'm still confused why they say it, but they do, and now you've involved two people with your call, one of which you know by name, and who doesn't want to be reprimanded for the first twat that put you on hold, disconnecting you in the process. I've never used this next one, but you may not be as experienced as me when becoming escalated. 

Action Plan Phase III: 
They actually put you on hold again after you have told them repeatedly you are a charter member of the Anti-Social Club and have lunch with Insanislupus once a week. In their defense, they've probably dated me. In yours, you rule by proxy, so this is not acceptable. Ask the person you're speaking with's name, and then explain that you have been disconnected three times for one inquiry, more times than you have been disconnected in your entire life, and that you called and got a hold of (last person's name). Regardless of if they like or dislike the person you name-dropped, they will be more inclined to help you to either cover for them, or make them look even more incompetent. Demand to speak to someone in charge, explaining repeatedly that it is not acceptable to treat a loyal customer of ten days like this. Ideally, the customer service rep will agree with you and directly take your call to satisfy your needs. If not, then repeatedly demand to speak to their supervisor or manager until they cave, at which point, you get all of them in trouble, including John (the first person you never actually remembered the name of) and you should be enjoying yourself at this point so all of it was worth it. 

"Good afternoon, this is John, and not only am

 I a customer service representative, but I'm also

 a charter member of the Anti-Social Club, which 

pretty much means you better come up with an

 Action Plan Phase IV; I rule." 

No One Cares Your Kids Were Shot

Everyone was horrified when twenty kids were mowed down in Newtown, Connecticut, and the media was happy to increase their ratings with up to the minute coverage that obviously didn't include staff editors.  I know, you’re thinking it’s horrible I’m making light of an American tragedy, but what about the other kids that were killed in school shootings in 2012? That’s right, you probably never heard about them. Two incidents in 2012, one involving seven victims, the other involving three, apparently barely registered with anyone because either the victims were too old for anyone to care, or there just weren't enough of them to proudly display as a news headline. What about the seven adults who died in Newtown? What about the fifteen other people injured in  attacks? Or the four gunmen who committed suicide? There is no difference between kids and teenagers, or even adults, when it comes to losing their life. Do you seriously think people who lose a twenty-year-old thank God it wasn't their nine-year-old? No, because they actually lost someone, and it was more important than some passing news story everyone jumped on like a retarded poodle in order to share empathy disguised as sympathy and feel vindicated after expressing your beliefs about gun-control, something you more than likely never cared about until it was cool. I just want to congratulate everyone for ensuring that someone else with mental problems will attempt to gain fame and outdo the new school shooting record next time, thanks to the news and fake people with no care in the world outside of political agendas. Yes, I know the school massacre record is actually forty-three, not including the killer, because I actually care enough about tragedy to have a sense of history, and history says no one cares unless it’s a lot of victims, and even then, only for a short while. 

A retarded poodle watches Obama's inauguration. 

Bring On the RFID Chip

In case you live in a country that doesn't read my blog, rapid-frequency identification chips are what every conspiracy theorists and paranoid schizophrenic worries the government will force us to use as a form of identification. It is even somewhere in the Book of Revelations where it talks about not being able to buy and sell because they don’t have the mark of the beast. Normally, I would admit that the government could misuse this and track down where I write my blog, attempting to prevent me from “starting” an international coalition of anti-social sleeper cells made up of disenfranchised hate bloggers across the globe. But I actually like living here and so far have shown little resistance aside from pointing out all the asinine things people do. Now looking through my wallet reveals 4 debit cards, 3 credit cards, and 1 health spending account card, all used for purchases. This doesn't include my driver’s license, car insurance card, medical insurance card, dental insurance card, university ID, or any of the half dozen store membership cards I carry. Thank God I never use cash.

This obvious annoyance would go away forever if we could simply wave our hand to make a purchase instead of rummaging through your wallet for a five minutes. If a cop wants your ID, give him a quick middle finger, which allows him to scan your chip and reveal you are not wanted for armed robbery or sex with minors, and that you just purchased 12 rolls of Bounty Paper Towels an hour ago. But he will never know why and that’s good enough for me. The government doesn't go after people for intent, unless they intend to be terrorists. Sure, there have been cases where people were sent to Guantanamo for looking like one, but they probably were secretly planning something anyway; it’s in the eyes. All I know is my back hurts from sitting on that wallet, which is why I never sit on my wallet. I also forget the damn thing sometimes. If I had an RFID chip, my problems would be solved. Who’s with me?   

RFID chips cannot catalog everything in a women's purse. 

Yet.

I Haven't Seen Your Pet

Nothing pisses me off more than the idiots who keep posting these Hurricane Sandy missing pet posters all over the social networks. Oh, you're missing your cat in New Jersey? Well, you're in luck! The hurricane winds picked them up and landed them safely into my loving arms, in Kentucky. It's a miracle. I'll ship them back in the mail. I get it that you might have friends in those cities, but wouldn't it be way cooler to the 99% of your friends who don't live there to not waste their time advertising an animal they will never find? We all love pets and everyone likes to be reunited with a lost one, but I personally think if it winds up several states away, it was trying to escape, so leave it the hell alone. 

Here's Johnny!

What In the Hell!

“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re an absolute failure.” – W. E. Hickson

You don't watch Doomsday Preppers and collect Foxfire books just to come out of your bunker and find that everyone is still alive. On the bright side, that means us. On the dark side, that means everyone else. I guess that’s black and white thinking. Since the world hasn’t ended (yet) and I have nothing better to do with my time aside from representing the second amendment, I have decided to continue on. This marks my one-hundredth entry into how awesome we have become. New Year’s Resolution = another one-hundred entries for 2013 alone. That’s a guaranteed two entries a week of everything that is stupid and you should hate and it gives me two weeks of vacation, too. Now if you will excuse me, I have a migration headache. 

Ducks of the Ku Klux Klan.

All Great Things Come To an End (2012)

I had a goal in mind of 100 blog entries before the end of the world, but in reality, the 50 entries milestone was the most blog entries I've ever achieved before having my blog deleted for whatever lame reason people could come up with. Obviously, with this one being 99, I've exceeded that goal, so there is really no reason to reach for the unprecedented 100. Now before anyone gets bent out of shape and tells me the end of the world is not really coming, I must warn you to stop being influenced by the same idiots they find passed out and naked at the library, with a bottle of wine in one hand and the latest Richard Dawkins book in the other, his author picture defiled after a marathon fap session. While I’m at it, stop reading books about science from non-practicing scientist who want to turn their work into a religion and also stop pretending that you yourself are scientific; you’re not. Instead, you should be reading Hal Lindsey, who has written about the end of the world since 1970, each update or rewrite of his original book stalling our ultimate demise. He’s a real expert on the subject, unlike babbling idiots such as Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, and the occasionally correct Magic 8 Ball. I want to thank you all for being devout readers over the years, especially those who have followed my blog through the many incarnations and spread the word. 26 countries, 6 continents, and 1 world have been reached by my message, and for that I am eternally grateful. Or at least until midnight. I hope our enemies die first. 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only 

begotten Magic 8 Ball, that whoever reads the 

Anti-Social Club will still perish, but had a 

much more enjoyable life than 

everyone else." 

- Lupus 99:1

Daily Quote 12/17/2012

“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Richard Pryor

"Everyone carries around his own monsters."

Limited Edition Black Sabbath: The Vinyl Collection 1970-1978

Just kidding. You can’t buy it here or anywhere else and I’ll now inform you why. As you may know or be feigning ignorance, I do not like digital music over concern that the government is secretly tracking our music listening habits so that they can force bands like Nickelback down our throats as a form of punishment. The first album I ever independently listened to was Black Sabbath’s Paranoid. I was a child of but 3 that snuck into the attic, found an interesting looking album, put it on the old record player and fired it up. I knew then what people meant when they called it the devil’s music, for it was foreign to me, horrific even, for guitars and vocals should not have sounded like that. But I was drawn in again and again, day after day, continuing a little bit further through the tracks, until finally making it all the way through. I would never be the same again. To me, it was my Necronomicon, that forbidden volume I never should have found, handled, or become obsessed with. I love you, Mom and Dad.

As a youth, I had those first eight albums, collected from parents, aunts, uncles, and friends, in vinyl, and as a teenager, I had the first 8 albums in cassette, and the same 8 albums as an adult in CD, and I even once downloaded the non-Osbourne albums in MP3. But eventually I bought the remastered vinyl albums, one by one, preferring the imports over the Rhino versions to further confuse Uncle Sam and whatever nickname they have for the British government. Then Universal released the Limited Edition Black Sabbath: The Vinyl Collection 1970-1978. It included the same albums I already owned, plus the Live At Last album, plus the Evil Woman 7” (which I also already own), but came with a really neat book of collected tour programs and obviously in an awesome slip case. I placed my order on the first day, despite barely having the money to buy it. I am American after all.

Almost a month later I get an email explaining to me that my order has been cancelled due to no stock. I find this amazing since people who ordered it days after me didn't have their order cancelled. Then just today I got on the Black Sabbath Facebook page to see about 500 people complain about not being able to buy the box set anywhere and just as many people complaining about having their orders cancelled. Great job, Universal, by ruining the chance to make three times the profit. You exist solely to make money, yet you hamper your own ability to do so. As such, even if you put another edition of the box set out, you will not get money from me over it. Kindly die. 

This is not a sign of distress, but rather me hoping

 all the blood goes to their head and they die. 

Stop Buying Crappy Christmas Presents

Look, I know some people are hard to buy for. I also know some people are unappreciative and you just buy them something for the sake of it. But when it comes to buying something for everyone else, is it really too hard to get them something they actually want? I hear complaints all the time that no thought goes into a gift card. Yeah, because people don't like money. Hell, I'd prefer to get nothing but gift cards because then I won't have to pretend I liked the present from you in order to not hear tired sayings like, "It's the thought that counts." Yeah, thanks for thinking I wanted something I've never expressed any interest in. Had you put any thought into buying me a Christmas present, it would have been that Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast picture disc (which I bought for myself already; it was the thought that counted.) Now no one ever gives me presents I don't want because I'm a simple man who enjoys the finer pleasures of menage a threes for a gift, but I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say don't be pissed to see what you got me being sold on eBay.

Die!

Daily Quote 12/11/2012

"Where disbelief reigns, the desire to believe is essential." – Dr. Phillip S. Duke, PhD

Daily Quote 12/03/2012

"If I respected them, I wouldn't do this." - William Friedkin

"Reverend Jim looks like me."