People Who Interrupt You While Reading

Nothing is more annoying than trying to read and having it interrupted. I believe there are several reasons people do this, so let’s briefly explore a few.

Some people see you reading and assume you are doing so because you’re alone. They would be correct. It is just me and my copy of The Catcher in the Rye and, sitting quietly amongst ourselves and waiting for the next famous person that catches our eye. They’re not the one, luckily. Others think you read out of boredom, because there is no possible way you can get enjoyment out of a lump of paper with ink on it. A typical conversation starts something like:

“What book you reading?”

“The Antarctic Cookbook.”

“I’ve never heard of it.”

They wait for you to reply, but you keep reading.

“Did you catch that basketball game last night?”

You only have two options. Kill them, or kill yourself. Sure, there are others to consider, but they should understand why if they have ever read a book and will pat you on the back afterward.  Even if you do get sentenced for murder, at least you have done society a favor and will now enjoy plenty of reading time.

Then we have the ones who think you care to be on a superior intelligence level (and they obviously are, too!) If great minds think alike, and you’re one of them, you should know I want nothing more than for you to get lost. I read books because they sound interesting, not because my college professors read them. Book sobs love to interrupt you to inform you they read far superior authors than you and would never sink so low as reading a popular writer, ones that actually make money in their lifetime. They read maybe five authors and think they know everything. These people deserve to be smashed in the face with whatever antiquarian tome they are holding (Never use your own book.) I don’t really know what antiquarian means, but I assume it implies these people don’t like you putting fish in a tank and worse, members of PETA. Smash them again. 

Vevo

Who the hell invented Vevo? Ever notice how if you want to hear a song and you wind up going to Youtube to hear it (see entry on how I hate people who go to Youtube to listen to music instead of watch it), only to be tricked into clicking on a Vevo sponsored one? Yeah, everyone has. They take a five minute song and turn it into six. This is shocking, being as the Wikipedia article says Vevo was formed with "the goal being to attract more high-end advertisers." You'd think their goal would be to attract people who wanted to watch videos, until you actually listen to one.

A real time analysis of Smashing Pumpkin's Bullet with Butterfly Wings (or Despite All My Rage, or Rat in a Cage):

The page loads, complete with an ad to the top right, above the "similar" videos. Indeed, while thinking about this song, I want nothing more than to drive the all new Chevy Sonic, like all other Smashing Pumpkins fans, or people who just like this one song of theirs.

Do you:

a. Click the advertisement and see a video ad.

b. Continue watching the video, as brought to you by Vevo, proudly displayed beneath.

c. Google how to block Vevo videos from ever turning up on your Youtube searches.

I decide to stick with my original purpose and watch the video. But wait, there is another advertisement, this one placed at the beginning of the video. What do the Smashing Pumpkins have to do with 4G on my mobile phone? I'm watching this on a wired connection at a desktop. Now that I think about it, what does a washed up stage magician have to do with 4G? Probably about as much as Vevo has to do with bringing you a quality service. At least the ad is loud and clear.

The video starts and I still can’t believe Billy Corgan isn’t female, as he proclaims, “The world is a vampire.” At least that’s how I remember it. Sadly my speakers do not have a volume knob capable of bringing the video up to an audible level. After one minute of the actual video, approximately the same amount of time it took them to tell me about 4G, I decide to click off on another video that catches my eye. Sadly, it too is brought to me by, you guessed it, Vevo. But first this unrelated, thirty-second commercial that is guaranteed to piss you off. 

People Who Say Their Kids Are Their Heroes

Why?

Every time a profile asks, "Who is your hero?" someone has to say their kids. That takes about as much thought as listing Metallica as your favorite heavy metal band. Is your favorite heavy metal song One? Shut up. The problem with this answer, besides the obvious and blatant laziness in it, is that these people have obviously never read the definition of the word hero to begin with.

Hero, a noun, is defined as:

1. A person, typically a man, who is admired for courage or noble qualities. 
2. The chief male character in a book, play, or movie, who is typically identified with good qualities. 
3. Not your kids.

Did your kids do something courageous or noble when they were playing with their Lego Star Wars set? Maybe they put out a fire and saved the family from impending doom? But even if they did, does anyone actually admire them? They did it because they were scared, not noble and courageous, and that's not admirable at all. 

Stop being a coward and man up. Your kids should never be your hero, unless they fought off burglars, or battled cancer, or were born with no arms and legs and keep on trucking, or you're not a man at all.