2014

Kindly fuck off and make way for 2015. 

President Obama is a Reptilian

If you've ever seen the cult film, Enemy Mine, where Dennis Quaid is stranded on a planet with a rival alien, and were deceived into believing aliens are basically good, you are wrong, but not alone. Case in point, Betty and Barney Hill, a famous abductee couple, were poked and prodded, and for what? Barney died of a cerebral hemorrhage about 8 years later. Betty lived much longer, but eventually succumbed to cancer. If aliens are friendly, why didn't they cure any ailments, or at least return to check on them? If you've been abducted or suspect that you have been, you now have a chance to fight back, by helping this group to monitor these beings, who come here illegally, by the way. 

MUFON Kickstarter

"Your president's skin is warm and cozy." -Fake Obama

2014 October Horror Movie Challenge Week 5

Click here for week four.

I am current on The Walking Dead and American Horror Story, as well as squeezing in two episodes of Constantine, which could be fun, but I doubt it will go beyond one season on a major network. I also completed both this challenge and the Shortober Challenge, which was 31 horror shorts, 16 first time views, all under the 50 minute mark. The one I liked the best and an honorable mention are covered below. Spoilers in the Thoughts section.

Shivers (1975)

Plot: Scientists work on a parasite that’s supposed to be beneficial to man, but instead turns everything into Night of the Creeps.

Thoughts: Night of the Creeps did it with aliens and really cool looking slugs. Speaking of which, I never saw the remake/rip-off of that one. The story follows around a bunch of rich people and the chaos they caused by proxy. Their safe haven among the other residents of the building is now in jeopardy due to the critters that want to nest in your intestines. The overall message is that no one is safe, even if you are rich, when man tampers with the natural order of things. A lot of 70’s films have a certain level of competence about them, usually the acting and directing, because money wasn’t as disposable back then, so you needed to make everything count. Luckily, this film was helmed by a young David Cronenberg, who more or less mastered body horror in his sleep, but this was his first feature and he does well.

Verdict: This is a pretty easy watch and a nice period piece, with no shortage of nudity and super hot 70’s women. You also get to see why Cronenberg became a household name, at least amongst the weird people who adore his work.

Detention (2011)

Plot: A killer is on the loose and imitating a slasher film, so it’s up to a fallen-from-grace student to investigate, put a stop to it, and prevent a horrible incident from happening, by going back in time.

Thoughts: Yeah, I didn’t make that up. Few people liked this horror comedy, and honestly, I can see why. The writing seems aimed at the younger generation, but it promises enough gore to please veterans. This combination doesn’t work for most, so instead of getting Tucker and Dale, you wind up with Not Another Teen Movie, only with more blood. Not to say I didn’t care for it, and to be honest, as ridiculous as it got, I still found it somewhat enjoyable, but it’s not really clear what it wants to be, especially once we start going back in time. The writing was all over the place, but the stock characters were fun, even though we were given plenty of flashbacks to flesh them out individually. Yeah, a lot of conveniences were thrown in for good measure, but the impossible was possible here, so why not?

Verdict: Certainly and ADHD film and not one you want to think too much on, but if you partake in recreational drugs, you’d probably enjoy it a lot.

Wolfcop (2014)

Plot: A weird cult abducts a cop and performs a lycanthropy ritual on him, only he’s better suited for the beast than they had planned.

Thoughts: When a movie is ridiculous, you need to have the proper characters harness it. This did just that. The was actually a straightforward detective narrative, mixed in with some good werewolf and shape shifting fun. WolfCop was just average Joe, until one day, and the people around him played along, helping him all the way. But then he’s crossed, set-up, and betrayed, so it’s only a matter of time before the perps get slayed. See, this film makes you want to break into old-school hip hop lyrics for no reason. But this film has everything you could possibly want out of a horror comedy. The effects are not spectacular, but they’re not cheap, and they’re traditional. The acting is on par with the delivery. The story itself is well-written, as retro as the rest of it, and somewhat makes sense. The puns are perfectly bad. The anti-hero here is a perfect, down on his luck, alcohol-swilling badass when he needs to be, and a horrendous beast when he has to.

Verdict: Please give us more WolfCop.

The Burning (1981)

Plot: After being horrendously burned, a man returns to take vengeance on the same camp he was once a part of.

Thoughts: I saw this as a kid, but barely remembered it. At the time, it was very fashionable to have low budget slasher films set at summer camps. I never went to summer camp, but certainly went camping and enjoyed it. I felt relieved that I did the latter with my parents, instead of being the next victim amongst a bunch of mean kids. It’s very obvious that so many filmmakers in the late 70’s and early 80’s were targets of bullying and abuse, so what better way to crank out a killer to make the others pay. Had we been a society of victims back then, imagine the lawsuits when someone saw a very similar character to themselves being slaughtered on screen. But that certainly beast the current wave of high school shooters. While this one isn’t that original, it somehow stands out because the characters are so good. For starters, you have Jason Alexander as one of the cooler kids, before he would eventually move on to be laughed at on Seinfeld. Leah Ayres is a strong, female character that makes you wonder why her career didn’t go much beyond Bloodsport. And besides Holly Hunter, you have a slew of familiar faces you’ll recognize as they pop up. Let’s not forget that this is based on the Cropsy urban legend, which I’m sure had an impact on the New Yorkers who would go on to see it and spread the good word.

Verdict: This is a slasher just as good as all the other ones coming out at the time, but it somehow gets forgotten. If you’re a fan of early Friday the 13th, this is actually better, despite lacking the iconic villain. It’s a must see film if you’re going to pretend you’re somebody in the world of horror fans. 

The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

Plot: While documenting a patient with Alzheimer’s, a film crew uncovers something much more sinister behind the veil: an old switchboard that communicates with evil.

Thoughts: Okay, I slightly exaggerated there. Let me get the negative out of the way first. This film borrows heavily from standard possession films, primarily Exorcist III with the old and infirm angle, and honestly doesn’t bring much to the table. That being said, it’s actually scary. It’s hard to make horror fans jump, because they’re nearly immune to it (yet complain about jump-scares, which are more effective than other methods,) but this one had me a bit anxious at times and worried for everyone involved. A woman gets a disease and luckily a film crew want to document it and pay them to do so. Gavin, Luis, and Mia play a good documentary team. They’re not really stock characters, show genuine concern for their subjects, and most importantly are not afraid to tuck tail and run when everything gets creepy. Deborah plays the old, independent and important woman, now suffering and being cared for by her daughter, Sarah, and they genuinely seem like family. But most importantly is the 5 strong females that overshadow the males, but without making them incompetent or pointless. The film chronicles the female struggle in the absence of men. Deborah’s husband died. They elude to Sarah being a lesbian and sticking out the strong struggle with her mom. Mia is the leader of the documentary crew and reinforces their courage, making them stick around. The doctor is unwavering with her medical opinion. The sheriff, not afraid to try and cool the situation with words instead of bullets. This goes against the weaker males. Gavin realizes this is out of his league and bails on us. The old neighborly friend sees no other way to protect a family secret than to suffocate the old woman at her command, but cannot stop her. The security guards cannot stop her, either. The anthropologist doesn’t offer his services beyond telling them what they need to do. Also, take note of a male murderer, who forces a woman to do his final deed, after she cheated him out of it initially. Although the females are written in a more heroic light than the males, it doesn’t mean the decisions they make are the correct ones. Gavin was right to leave. The Sheriff was wrong to try and reason with the possessed Deb. There are real consequences here. The abduction was intense and the abandoned cave scene claustrophobic. The ending wasn’t weak, so much as cliché, but overall it was a pleasant surprise and decent way to end the challenge.

Verdict: This is solid horror and something you don’t want to miss on Netflix.  

Luna (2013) (Short)

Plot: A girl sees her family murdered and must survive long enough to get away.

Thoughts: This short plays out the typical murder my family scenario, but ends with, wait for it, the sheriff intervening, killing the murderer, only to discover he was using silver bullets… see where I’m going?

Verdict: This was my favorite short from this year. I like my shorts short. It unfolds and leaves you with the oh, shits.

Herbert White (2010) (Short)

Plot: A man… likes to visit… a specific place in the woods… for specific reasons…

Thoughts: It’s difficult to give you a plot without spoiling it. Vice said it best when they wrote the headline, “Watch Michael Shannon fuck a corpse.” I watched this as soon as I heard about it. It’s weird, creepy, unsettling, and probably very realistic.

Verdict: I wanted to mention this one because it’s so well done, stars Kentucky Mafia member, Michael Shannon, and it was released years ago, yet I had never heard of it.

2014 October Horror Movie Challenge Week 4

Click here for week three.

A slow week again, although the choices were much better this time around. A horror-comedy actually took the cake and will more than likely stay there. Again, I managed to squeeze in an episode of The Walking Dead and American Horror Story: Freakshow, one of which was mediocre, and the other not much better. I also managed a good handful of shorts for Shortober, which now that I think about it, I haven’t mentioned here. More on that later. Remember, spoilers in the Thoughts section.

Tunnel (2011)

Plot: Three filmmakers follow a journalist down a tunnel in this modern retelling of Alice in Wonderland.

Thoughts: Australia is known for their films that make excellent use of the landscape, so this one opted for the lesser known, abandoned, underground rail system located in Sydney. The thirsty for blood reporter takes her crew down to investigate why the government abandoned plans to use the stored water, as well as to see if rumors of the homeless living there are true. After one of them gives her a story and goes insane at the thought of the tunnels, why not investigate them? But this isn’t teenie bopper tunnel horror. The actors actually act, and you’d be amazed to learn that the budget is less than the average person makes in a year. They made excellent and realistic use of heat of the moment confusion, so their directive changes a few times accordingly. Let’s stay and find the friend is soon followed by abandon all hope because we already entered and get the hell out of here. The most important lessons learned here are never follow a woman and fear the homeless. They took what little they had and made the most of it and it shows. While I am absolutely sick to death of this over-saturated genre this season, I must admit this was rather fresh.

Verdict: This is a well done documentary-horror on a shoestring budget. Avoid if you hate Australians.

Deliver Us From Evil (2014)

Plot: Two guys deliver us from evil, or at least help God to deliver us from evil.

Thoughts: Eric Bana is the opposite of charisma. There is just something about him that makes me not want to watch his films (and punch him in the face). Luckily, this was one of his more charming efforts. Here’s where it gets strange. Tallying up points here is a huge give and take. The movie is “based on a true story” which is totally false, but it’s actually based on real people. You heard that right, they used a book about actual cases for source material and then made up a completely fictional story, yet put the real characters in it. All of that aside, this is a traditional exorcism tale. You have the non-believer and the believer, who must battle the forces of evil to expel them from human hosts. What makes this one fun is it’s a crime story with a fun investigation added to it. Although some scenes were a little rushed, I enjoyed the overall experience. We’ve had a lot of news reports with footage of psychotic episodes that can be horrific to those outside of a hospital setting and this used them well. Most exorcisms do not involve multiple priests, but the assistance of friends and family of the possessed, so complaining that an exorcist used a cop for help, well, it could happen. The Doors soundtrack as an element of the plot got kind of old and made the scenes a bit goofy. The lights and static in the radio are a bit questionable as well.

Verdict: If you declare movies the worst ever on a regular basis, you should skip this. If you have an unhealthy hatred for all things religious, then this is obviously not for you. If you want Se7en meets the Exorcist, although much lesser in quality, then this might be up your alley, but you will want to be a forgiving horror fan, since some scenes are a bit ridiculous. 

UFO Abduction (1989)

Plot: A young girl’s birthday party is rudely interrupted by spacefaring beings who need taught a lesson in respect.

Thoughts: I don’t care what anyone says, this was well done. For starters, many thought it was real. For all intents and purposes, it looks such. You spend a good chunk of the story revolving around the girl’s birthday party. Everyone had that annoying family member who videotaped everything. When the aliens land, the person with the recorder is the best one to bring along, right? But that’s where it starts to fall apart. I find it hard to believe someone is going to be filming the entire walk to see the landing spot, then focus in on the aliens, and then keep it on when you’re running back. When someone shoots an alien, you don’t film them bring the body into the house, although you might film the aftermath. I don’t know any of this from firsthand experience, though, so maybe I’m wrong. To add to the mystery, there is a disclaimer that the people in the video are missing. Most of them are one-time actors, which makes it look good. The ones who continued acting screwed it up for everyone. Then they remade it. This aired on television many years ago and its delivery to this day makes it seem like actual footage. Don’t believe me? Go to the IMDB and look at how many reviews there are proclaiming it’s fake, or getting bent out of shape because users keep asking if it is real. Knowing something is fake tends to make this less appealing. There are things in this world we cannot yet explain, so we cling to the unknown, especially the unknowable, and if you’re that type of person, then this is for you. If you feel the need to go on message boards and lash out over it, die.

Verdict: Because of the nature of this work, I’ve put my verdict in the last two sentences of the Thoughts section.

Housebound (2014)

Plot: A woman is given the light sentence of living with her parents after she fails at robbing an ATM, but it turns out she has more to deal with when unexplainable things begin happening.

Thoughts: A friend said that no one does Horror Comedies better than New Zealand, and this certainly lends a lot of credence to that. The attitude of Kylie in the main role, and her constant bitch face, made me think I wouldn’t like her, but after a while, you understand that she just doesn’t give a damn about anything, which leaves room for her to grow as a character. Her mother acts just like an annoying mother, with the traditional gift of gab, and her stepfather being aloof helps us to explore the family dynamic. I’ve watched enough paranormal shows to get a kick out of the unlikely association with her security monitor, Amos. Once he switches from his day job, to his hobby, it’s on, both in horror and in laughs. I’m not a fan of in your face comedies and find them annoying, so the situational scenes here with the black humor worked perfectly. Most importantly was the amount of suspense. I watched this while very tired, yet it kept me awake, without a single eyelid getting heavy. Once this movie starts, it doesn’t slow down. The big reveal towards the latter part actually made a lot of sense and there is plenty of foreshadowing to give you all the clues you need, but you’re just too damn busy getting a kick out of the lead and how she goes about everything. The characters just work, and the small town setting certainly helps. This knew what it wanted to be. 

Verdict: This has been my favorite of the challenge so far, and probably my favorite horror comedy ever. It’s horror enough that it drowns out the comedy bits, but funny enough to make even the blood splatter hilarious.

Honeymoon (2014)

Plot: A couple go into the woods and to a cabin on a honeymoon, which is never a good idea, and bad things happen.

Thoughts: This is competent, despite the generic plot. It breaks down like follows. A couple seem to have one of those shotgun weddings, go to a cabin where the girl grew up, and then she starts acting weird. He finds her in the woods, naked and alone, like she was sleepwalking. Then she starts doing odd things, like missing basic steps while cooking or making coffee. Next, she starts confusing her words and has memory lapses where she can’t remember things, or she has created false memories. The husband believes she has been raped after he notices the marks on her legs and bleeding, followed by some weirdo moving a flashlight around the cabin and spying on them. As the bride’s world falls apart, and the groom falls into paranoia, we finally realize even stranger things are going on with her, and that she is no longer the same person. Aliens, naturally, are doing some weird, presumably, breeding program and have selected her as a host, only her body is now changing. Despite this, she wants to spend the last few days she has here on earth with him, perhaps holding on to the last remnants of the mind she once owned. My only complaint is it wasn’t really clear the alien’s agenda. I wasn’t sure if they were using her as a host for alien hybrids, or maybe engineering her into another life form completely, and for what purpose exactly, I do not know. 

Verdict: Fans of body horror will love this, although it takes a bit for that to become apparent.

Exists (2014)

Plot: In different woods, in another cabin, a group of youngsters must defend themselves from a raging Bigfoot.

Thoughts: UFO and Bigfoot sightings go hand in hand, so perhaps this would make a great double feature with the above? They’re both about the same caliber. Let me instantly make the disclaimer that I am an Eduardo Sanchez fan. He’s put out some great stuff and I have yet to see anything by him I didn’t like. However, this is probably the worst of his output. That’s not to say it’s bad, but there are a few things I didn’t care for and am a bit shocked they came from him. For one, most of the characters were stereotypical stock. For two, they had a lot of close-up and full scale shots of the creature (which looked good, but a little mystery helps). Three, I felt the creature strayed too much from local lore at times. But Sanchez didn’t write this, and maybe had little, if any input into that, since his long time writing partner, Jamie Nash, gets the sole writing credit. Regardless, these two have put out some great creature features, and while I liked this one, it bothered me here and there. Coming from mountain folk, everyone knows that they are primarily nocturnal, their territory markers are always twisted trees, and their vocalizations are always aimed at other bigfoots, not humans, and they always operate in family units, especially when they have young. Still, the throwing of heavy objects and other feats of strength, running alongside those it wants to scare off, and accepting the surrender of the protagonist shows that some research was done. The cast got along well, the shots were nice and tight, and the pace was constant, even in the beginning.  

Verdict: A lot of go-pro camera action, but it separates itself from The Blair Witch Project by adding some score and using other conventional methods effectively. Fans of Sanchez will resort to nitpicking like I did, but if you are a fan any of his films, you’ll be accepting of this. 

2014 October Horror Movie Challenge Week 3

Click here for week two.

Less sleep and less time, I had a poor week with only five films. I did manage to catch up on The Walking Dead and tuck in the always enjoyable American Horror Story, but I’ve got a feeling that the lack of any real standout films is slowly taking its toll. Spoilers in the Thoughts section as usual.

Jacob’s Ladder (1990)

Plot: A Vietnam veteran begins to unravel after spending too many years working for the post office.

Thoughts: It’s kind of ridiculous that every ex-soldier in every movie is depicted as having something wrong with them. Unless it’s a horror movie. It’s no secret the United States government likes subjecting the mass populace, solders included, to weird tests without their consent, so this was a nice take on that. Some critics thought it was a bit much that they writer used biblical names heavily, but an even closer look reveals that the names have significance. His deceased son, Gabe, acts a messenger, his girlfriend, Jezz, distracts him from realizing what is really going on, etc. Not sure if this was the first, but this is also the film that started the ball rolling with the shaky head body horror. Some of the visuals are rather disturbing and the deformities were based on real ones caused by some drug they used back in the 70’s. The greatest achievement of this film was having a contemporary feel, despite being set almost 20 years earlier. All the signs are there that this takes place in the 70’s, but it never really points it out. Okay, so the greatest was the allegory of modern life being hell. A lot changed after Vietnam and the American dream had more or less crumbled. Jacob is seen driving a postal truck. He is divorced, with kids. His girlfriend is a mail sorter, always running late to get to work. There are so many glimpses of the working class struggle here, and the inability to get ahead, move on, or get over past events, that it makes you reevaluate if you’re not actually living your own hell. These are characters you can sympathize with, and Tim Robbins is usually enjoyable, no exception here. On a side note, for someone so opposed to war, he plays a soldier rather well.

Verdict: I’m just going to go ahead and say that this film is a classic and should be in the canon of must see films from the 90’s. It holds up today just as well as it did when I saw it as a kid, even better if you’ve wasted your time studying the subject matter. This is perhaps Elizabeth Pena’s finest role and I watched this to honor her recent passing.

The Pact (2012)

Plot: A woman goes missing after her mother dies, so the sister comes in to investigate, only to find out that paranormal forces are at work, or are they?

Thoughts: I dug this one more than I should of and for many reasons. For starters, the fact that we had ghosts AND a serial killer was pretty cool. As usual, the small touches moved me a lot. Heterochromia, a condition where someone has two different colored eyes, is known in folklore to give someone spirit vision. The fact the main character had that meant someone did their research. Speaking of Annie, she was an interesting character that made sense. Horribly treated by her mother, she grows up to be aloof and avoid family, and she rides a motorcycle, which is hot. More often than not, characters who hold grudges against their parents come across as overly annoying, woe-is-me types, but this one seemed genuine. Add a creepy uncle pulling  a Gary Busey Hider-in-the-House, and you’ve got an interesting story of a messed up family. What makes this work is our protagonist is dynamic and goes on to fulfill the role she initially opposed, and her strength showed to us on screen makes us believe she will do well at it.  

Verdict: The Ladder aside, this is the best film I watched this past week and if you like slashers, mysteries, or ghosts, then it’s a must see.

The Pact II (2014)

Plot: A woman’s mother is murdered after an argument, so the sister from the first movie comes in to investigate, only to find out that paranormal forces are at work, or are they?

Thoughts: I dug the first one enough to check this out and immediately I was blow away with how poor the acting was compared to the first. Additionally, the entire set up was lazy, where characters conveniently have jobs that tie them to the plot. A series of copycat murders brings in an FBI profiler, who does nothing but act quirky and creepy and socially awkward. He and the cop butt heads in some of the lamest foreshadowing imaginable. Oh, and would you look at this, the cop is dating the protagonist, who is more or less a rewritten Annie from the first film. Then we decide to reintroduce Annie, who despite now being the legal guardian of her niece, decides to take off for a few and help uncover the truth behind the killings. This shit made no sense. No thanks.

Verdict: This is a lazy and inept sequel with very little redeeming qualities. Any hope for an interesting series is destroyed by the end. 

Child’s Play (1972)

Plot: Jeff Bridges’ less popular brother is sent to a prep school to teach a young Charles Lee Ray a thing or two about athletics, only to uncover evil forces at work.

Thoughts: I’ve heard people claim how great this movie is and I have finally realized that they are the people who only say that because they want to appear elite in a crowd of Chucky fans. And that is where this film fails, not that it doesn’t have a killer doll, but that it’s basically nothing more than a drama, with no good reason why the kids are running amok. Top notch acting won’t save you in a horror film, no matter how smart it thinks it is, especially when we don’t have a clear lead character. We also don’t get to know much about the students, which certainly hurts the story. Attempts to rid the story of the supernatural creates kids that are little more than robots acting in unison for little reward.  

Verdict: This is the horror version of Dead Poets Society, minus the charm of the late, great Robin Williams.

Schizo (1976)

Plot: A killer stalks an ex-figure skater in London, making her think she is going insane, or is she?

Thoughts: Psychiatry has changed a lot in the almost 40 years that this film has been made. My first reaction was that the killer didn’t have schizophrenia at all. Then I asked if the killer was even real at all, and maybe the lead was really hallucinating it all. By the time we figure out she’s completely nuts, the “killer” was actually a wrongfully convicted man now bent on trying to get her to remember, and that the thief had stolen the wrong crown jewels, the story had overstayed it’s welcome. It takes a few too many turns through the lifestyles of the rich and famous, which falls flat on the average consumer’s eyes these days. The film attempts to try and confuse the viewer, but by doing this, some elements come across as ridiculous, like planting fake blood, and then miraculously cleaning it up within minutes. Also, they make the common (at the time) mistake of introducing a multiple personality. Well shot, well done, and decently acted, the film didn’t really bond with me and by the end, I wasn’t too sure the writers knew what direction they were moving the plot in.

Verdict: This film certainly didn’t live up to its reputation, but it had some entertaining kills. I think it is best viewed as an after-film, when you’re lying there, half brain dead and getting ready for bed.

The Walking Dead Last Half of Season 4 and First Episode of Season 5

Plot: Zombies are pursuing an insanely large group of people who decide to have petty arguments and do things that would normally get them killed, but somehow keep surviving.

Thoughts: I’m pretty invested in this series. I watched the first season and enjoyed the gore. I watched the second season and enjoyed the journey, the blatant disregard for killing off the lovelies. I watched the third season and complained about how uneven it was becoming, but they kept killing off the characters that I felt were causing the issues. I started the fourth season, about ready to stop, but got hooked when they followed the Gov for a few episodes. Once he died, I was done. Then the lady of the house decided to marathon it because all of her friends were watching it. I refused to subject myself to the show again, but agreed I would watch the episodes I hadn’t seen once she got to that point. I hate to say it, but they were the best episodes of the series. With the group broken down and scattered, I stopped watching because I didn’t want to see 20 vignettes an episode following a still-too-large group of people who I didn’t believe would survive a water shortage, let alone this. By concentrating on a few people at a time in each episode, the stories became more personal, about those few characters, and not the overall survival of the group. They were much better, much more enjoyable, and kept me hooked all the way up until the end. Hell, I even liked it when Rick said the people who trapped them didn’t know who they were messing with. Gave me that same feeling when Kurt Russell and Dennis Dun are riding down that elevator in Big Trouble In Little China, all in agreement that they felt confident about their mission, and about to kick some ass. Season 5, episode 1 started off pretty bloody, gory, and downright awful for the cast. A lot of coincidences went into saving them, but it was still nice to see them break out and be united. My only concern is that now we are supposed to anticipate finding the one character I felt was a drag on the last half of season four, but rest assured, during this apocalypse, she’s probably finally found that good and proper bar she was looking for to get wasted in.

Verdict: I’m not holding my breath and one sub-par episode and I’m bailing, but I have to say, these were the best of the series. Doesn’t give me much hope for the rest of the year, but I’ll wait and see.

Click here for week four.

2014 October Horror Movie Challenge Week 2

Click here for week one.

I was half asleep when I wrote most of this. You've been warned. 

Carrie (2013)

Plot: A teen girl comes to terms with her psychokinetic abilities while also trying to fit in with the cool crowd.

Thoughts: I actually liked Julianne Moore and Chloe Grace Moretz in their respective roles, but that’s about the end with the cast. I didn’t feel the rest even compared to the original. There was no standout William Katt or John Travolta, or Amy Irving and Nancy Allen. The story is basically the exact same, almost the Psycho remake treatment, which more or less makes the film pointless. Looking past that, the film was actually pretty good, with a faster pace to reflect the impatience of current moviegoers. And then we get to the prom scene, which more or less destroyed anything positive I had to say about the film. It played out like a video you’d see on MTV, aiming for campy horror, rather than real teen angst and rage. The final showdown with Carrie’s mother just isn’t enough to redeem the film as a whole.

Verdict: I think this film certainly has it’s demographic, but I don’t think it’s strict horror fans. The original was an absolute classic and sits in the cannon of must see and best horror films ever. The remake is a quick money grab and obviously aimed at a younger audience. If you’ve seen the original, there’s no point in wasting time with this, especially if you don’t like remakes to begin with; you’ve already seen it, done better.

The Believers (1987)

Plot: After the death of his wife, a psychologist begins working with the troubled NYPD, only to discover some are practicing a non-Christian, African-root religion, and targeting him and his son to join their cult.

Thoughts: I remembered a few scenes from this as a kid, so I wasn’t sure if I should count it as a first time view or not, but I did. For starters, it’s a bit gritty like the crime films of the 70’s, but it has that horror cheese that picked up in the early 80’s. Martin Sheen has never seemed like a natural lead to me, mainly because he has  a lot of qualities you would find in a villain, and the roles he picks certainly reinforce that. His moods always changed frequently and he always seemed quick to anger in just about everything I’ve seen him in. 80’s films weren’t afraid to be racist, which is funny, because they unapologetically reflected the American middle class at the time. In this film, being Latino is okay, if not a bit odd, but any ties to Africa are viewed as a negative thing, especially since all Africans are cult leaders, even when they actually come from Cuba. Already I am rambling. Snakes, bugs, curses, autopsies, electrocutions, etc. all of that is here in stereotypical fashion against a serious backdrop.

Verdict: If you want to see the early films of several great actors, then certainly check this out. Also, it has a certain Italian giallo feel to it, if you get my drift.

Banshee Chapter (2013)

Plot: A journalist commits horror film suicide by looking into the disappearance of her friend, which may be linked to a government experiment involving LSD, as well as those mysterious numbers stations.

Thoughts: I’ll say up front that this is the love child of several of my major interests. I’ve been reading  a lot on DMT, numbers stations, spirit radio, etc., and have for a while now. When this started out, it proposed some interesting ideas by meshing together a lot of little known CIA lore, and basing a character off of a real person, or mesh of people. That being said, the best part about the subject matter. The CIA cannot ignore Project MKUltra, and the numbers stations are still going all over the world. While spirit radio is more or less believed to just be stray radio frequencies, we might as well throw that in for good measure, since no one will know. The lead actress, Katia Winter, played well alongside the erratic and show-stealing (as always) Ted Levine, but she anchored an otherwise erratic character that wouldn’t have worked on his own. Their search for the LSD and the mysterious signals being broadcast, or rather, the demonic entities being broadcast, was a fun trip, only hampered by cheesy and overused droopy-faced CGI monsters. I didn’t know if they were spirits or Salad Fingers looking for some rust. The end was rather predictable, and I would rather have ascended Jacob’s Ladder than been given another ending where the protagonist fails and goes off to some unknown, but horrible fate. We worked pretty hard to get to the bottom of it, stop it, and then go on to deal with the consequences that are left. Instead, we’re sucked right back into it, wasting any effort we put forth.

Verdict: Despite the ending not being what I wanted, this is one of the better films of the challenge so far. It handled the subject matter really well, even though I knew more than they did, and kept me convinced up until the end, when it unleashed a red herring more horrifying than the former.

Citadel (2012)

Plot: A man must battle his own demons, as well as those that haunt his neighborhood, after his wife dies leaving him a single father.

Thoughts: I had no clue Hoodie Horror was a thing, outside of the Trayvon Martin case, but leave it up to the Irish, or Scottish, to prove me wrong. Yeah, it’s Irish but apparently shot somewhere in Scotland. The entire film is about agoraphobia and a man’s heightened fears going outside after witnessing a brutal attack on his wife. Additionally hampered by his child, he has a difficult time not only getting by in the day, but at night as well. You can tell it is a bit autobiographical (the writer suffered agoraphobia due to an attack), which helps with the realism, but it falters by adding an all-knowing priest that becomes the harbinger of doom. It’s here that we approach familiar territory, with the only course of action to be the destruction of a building where these hooded horrors nest. I get that the destruction of a building removes the safety net an agoraphobic falls back on, but it also kind of removes the real obstacle the lead faced.

Verdict: This is effectively creepy, if that’s your bag, and it even goes further by turning everyone wearing a hoodie into a potential real-life baddie. But the story borders the unbelievable way too much to really shake you to the core. Some of the most effective scenes are early on, like when he’s trapped in the elevator watching the beat down on his wife, but later everything is predictable for the most part.

Jack & Diane (2012)

Plot: A lesbian encounter turns a girl into a potential werewolf, where a young woman must endure a short romance with the other, or be devoured by the beast she is surely to become.

Thoughts: My plot outline up there is not really true. This is only horror in dream sequences and a few runs of the imagination. The beast here is more metaphor than anything, and honestly it seemed a little bit out of place. It wasn’t as pointless as vamps and weres in the first Twilight, but there certainly wasn’t much call for it. Both females are hopelessly in love, one being quirky, the other set in her ways. This doesn’t bring attention to the fact that the leads are gay, since both characters know they are and it’s in New York, so no one cares. That was nice. But it had this weird feel, like I should be watching something from Larry Clark, and I kept waiting for that, but it never happened. That was probably where this went wrong. I think it spent too much time trying to make the characters ordinary, but despite the intentions, there just isn’t much interesting about their relationship. It’s not forbidden, taboo, or even worth mentioning for the most part. It  doesn’t really rise to a lot of excitement and kind of leaves you thinking this would have been a better story for supporting characters, playing out in a bigger and better movie, that followed more interesting people.

Verdict: Rather than winding up on the shelf with a confused character bent on awakening through destruction like May (2002), you take an odd turn and land next to the confused, and off-center, Chuck & Buck (2000). If you’re into cutesy, offbeat romances, this is for you, but I wouldn’t argue it being disqualified as horror for the challenge.  

Wer (2013)

Plot: A group of white people, unable to find a minority to champion, instead decided to help a werewolf prove he’s not a werewolf.

Thoughts: France has always been the hotbed of wolf attacks, but it’s a shame that so many filmmakers today want to place them elsewhere. Enter American Lawyer in Paris, who is up to defending a man “wrongfully” accused of ravaging a vacationing family. Physical lycanthropy and science don’t really mesh well, but that didn’t stop the writers from using a mutant variation of a known disease to help them meet their goals of modernizing the legend. The only problem is, I immediately think of Full Eclipse (1993), another werewolf film that already modernized the genre in the same way. The trailer already tells you that the man in shackles is indeed the killer, so there is no surprise there, either. That’s not to say this isn’t good, it’s just that it comes across like it’s re-inventing the wheel and it’s not, at all. It’s well thought out, following the traditional route of spreading the disease, but it offers very little in new material or ideas.

Verdict: I hear a lot of people saying this is the best werewolf film in the past ten years. Yeah, well there haven’t been any great werewolf films in the past ten years, so I guess this is certainly it. The buildup is slow paced at first, and while we don’t get upfront hairy action, they replay the found footage from the camping trip nightmare earlier a handful of times. Once the transformation happens, we’re treated to a pretty solid bloodbath, and that’s all you want or need from this. 

Absence (2011)

Plot: A woman goes on vacation with her husband and annoying brother after she wakes up no longer pregnant.

Thoughts: Always a fan of alien agendas, I thought this was a neat idea, where a woman goes almost full term, only to take up with not race of her baby, which is scientifically impossible. I get the need to go away, but I thought the idea of her brother bringing a camera along to film a documentary was a bit cheap. Nothing helps someone cope with being an X-File like doing a student project. Besides that, the brother was super annoying, which actually worked, because some siblings are super annoying. It was almost realistic. It takes us awhile to get anywhere and then we finally introduce a new character, a would be girlfriend, only to have her get freaked out my Night of the Creeps and for no reason avoid them like the plague. Then you have the ridiculous alien footage that doesn’t turn the light bulb on above anyone’s head. Hey, we have footage of a grey who appeared out of nowhere, vibrated the house, and turned on a fluorescent over the entire room, doing God knows what. Make sure we don’t take this video to the government so they can handle it. I assure you, the government loves getting hold of strange footage.

Verdict: Had this not been the 147^th found footage film that came out in 2011, it might have fared better. It’s certainly not the worst as so many on IMDB claim, and I thought the actors were decent enough, the story, gaps and holes abound, at least kept you engage after a time, but when you start being even more critical, it falls apart. You could watch this late at night when you’re half asleep and find some redeeming qualities about it.

Come Out and Play (2012)

Plot: An expecting couple go on a last vacation, renting a boat, and stumbling upon an island that will let them know why most people don’t want kids.

Thoughts: I saw Who Can Kill a Child? several years back when it hit DVD, and I’m almost certain I saw it as a kid on one of the late night UHF stations that used to crank horror, but could be wrong. This is an effective update, in that it is an exact copy of something a large audience has never seen and probably never will. Of course, it’s not without its detractors, but those people have probably never been laid. My plot sums up the entire movie rather perfectly, but films like this do well to have a bleak ending. There is an occasional topic that pops up on horror boards about movies where children are murdered, as well as where children are the murderers, and here you have both under the same umbrella. You root for the couple to survive, but after they start killing kids, you ask yourself, is it morally right to do so, even under the circumstances, and regardless, is it okay to root for the adults? By the end, after seeing the underage carnage, you’re thankful that most of the kids have survived, even though they are planning on going ashore and spreading whatever it is that has control over them. I noticed that our eyes were assaulted by MAKINOV, like we’re supposed to know, or care, who that is. Apparently this is his first credit, and while it’s not bad, there is no need to pretend you are the second coming, since you have this, and only this, to your credit. You’re not the cat’s pajamas. I’ve always wanted to say that.

Verdict: This makes you think about morality and what you would do in the same situation. Remakes happen and there is nothing you can do to stop them. If you hate them, don’t watch them, and stop low-voting a film based solely on the fact that it’s not original. I’m pretty sure that a long time ago someone was murdered, making all murders unoriginal. See my point? Stop. This doesn’t deserve the hate it gets. It’s an enjoyable update to something you’ve never heard of, a carbon copy that laughably goes out of the way to be exact.

Grave Encounters (2011)

Plot: In this prequel to Ghost Adventures, we find out the real reason no one wants to work with Zak Bagans (it’s not his tight shirts, large glasses, or spikey hair.)

Thoughts: This started off as nothing more than a disappointing spoof of the aforementioned show, but midway through we encounter the real deal, when the crew learns that the building is changing all around them, like in Mark Z. Danielewski’s novel, House of Leaves. The feeling of being lost, even outside of a department store, can be overwhelming to say the least. Up the ante with something deliberately toying with you, and you’ve captured the essence of what a horror is. Some of the creatures reminded me of something you would find in a survival horror game, which is perfect when you need action and chase. They don’t dwell on the back story of the hospital, so much as getting out of it. Small touches here and there, like the cameraman answering a phone call from home to speak with his child, make the character a bigger emotional loss. Found footage like this makes sense and actually aids the story. Overall, the components worked well together, and my only major gripe with this is how exactly was this footage found by the producer?

Verdict: Fans of Blair Witch Project will immediately be drawn to this because of its effective use of bewilderment. But where that film focused solely on the unseen, this isn’t afraid to use glimpses of cheap special effects to make them look more realistic. Half of the people who watch this like it and the other half don’t. I found it rather enjoyable, honestly, like watching Ghost Adventures. Those guys are so full of it, but they can put on a decent hour-long show that educates and entertains you. While Grave Encounters doesn’t really educate you about the fake hospital and its past, it certainly entertains and makes way for a sequel.

Grave Encounters 2 (2012)

Plot: In this sequel to Ghost Adventures, we find out the real reason the show was cancelled (it’s not his tight shirts, large glasses, or spikey hair.)

Thoughts: This did the exact opposite of what Grave Encounters did and to a not so pleasing end. It starts out serious, following a group of film students who want to see if Grave Encounters was real or not. Their investigation leads them back to the hospital, where we get what every sequel promises. We have more monsters, and they’re more aggressive. We have deeper explorations of the hospital, as well as further investigation into the doctors and nurses behind it all. But toward the middle, it starts getting ridiculous. A lot of the kills seem like they’re just done for the sake of someone dying. And the final kill was completely goofy and unrealistic. The ghosts want you to finish the film? Wasn’t it finished in the first one? Wouldn’t it make better sense to just make sure no one who shows up leaves, furthering new visitors with a bit of curiosity? Oh, and in order to escape, you need to go through a doorway in the basement, instead of out the front door where you came in? I liked the first cast better, and it kind of saddens me that in the current state of horror you can’t leave any survivors, even though you’re probably going to do a sequel. Sure, there was one, but he was a shell of the man he used to be. Most of the cast, or all of the cast, from the first could have survived and made it out. I gladly would have watched a sequel to that, perhaps a new place, or maybe even the same place, or hell, why not the Banshee Chapter?  When I write a lot of questions, it means I feel like a great opportunity has been wasted.

Verdict: If you liked the first, you’ll see the second one, but beware, it’s not that great. 

Click here for week three.

2014 October Horror Movie Challenge Week 1

Click here for the index.

My thoughts contain spoilers. Everything else doesn’t.

The Possession of Michael King (2014)

Plot: An Atheist documentarian loses his wife and then challenges all the forces of evil to prove they are real by offering himself up as the target of their spells and rituals, hoping nothing will happen and this will prove to the entire world that everything outside of a science lab is fictional, but the plan backfires and he gets possessed by something that makes him do darker and more horrible deeds than he thought he was capable of.

Thoughts: We got just enough of his wife to mourn the fact that she was dead and the scene where his tarot cards are read perfectly sets us up for the rest of the film, but I didn't care for any of the other characters because we hardly spent any time with them, and what little time it there was lacked any emotional quality. Oh, your kid is cute and innocent. Your sister is awesome for filling in the motherly role. Your camera man is solid for wanting to get you help. But I didn't really care that much when anyone in the film died, except the protagonist. I also wasn't impressed with how cliché the occultists were. Of all the people to put in your movie you choose the most obvious, cookie-cutter one, rather than do a lot of research and use any of the thousands of cults out there for inspiration. I really liked the overall message that you should love and cherish what you have right now and not what you have lost, but the ending was a bit confusing and made me question if I was right or wrong with what the actual moral was. If you now know that evil demons are real, isn't it time seek someone on the opposing team for help rather than throw yourself out of a window and end your life? Were you just too fed up to go on, or too week to hold the evil inside for just a little longer? Does your choice somehow validate the belief system you held, even though the movie obviously invalidated it?

Verdict: Despite all of this, I still thought it was an okay film and worth a watch. The idea is actually incredible, but the delivery not so much.

At the Devil's Door (2014)

Plot: The Book of Revelation is true, and now it's up to a real estate agent to uncover it while selling a house where a family's daughter is currently missing.

Thoughts: Yeah, that plot I just wrote out is actually more honest than any other you can find. First off, the story follows three leads. The first one is the young whore of Babylon who gets pregnant by Satan. The second one is the real estate agent who investigates the strange history of the house. The third one is the sister, in a Hitchcockian protagonist switch. That, in my opinion, was awesome. The film also has a lot of symbolism leading back to the Bible, such as the first girl meeting the Satan recruiter in the desert, and of course the choice in colors even evident on the poster itself. But the story does a few things that serve more to confuse us than to actually move the story along. Rather than just give us most of the details up front, we have to learn about the first girl through flashbacks. The middle girl isn't as interesting as her or the third girl, and I assume she was painted in the good girl image because Satan is very particular about who he wants carrying his child, and she must be a whore or bust. But then the first girl wasn't a whore either, so why did Satan choose her, only to kill her, hibernate for a while, wait for the good girl to show up, and then flock to her sister? But I actually liked the third girl, so if I was going to knock anyone of them up, it would be her. She was cooler. So in order to make sure she has the baby, Satan puts her in a coma for long enough so the baby can be born. And then six years later mama wants to track down the baby to kill it? It was this shit that ruined Lost Souls and films much like it.

Verdict: I liked this film, am in love with the idea of a vengeful god who wants nothing more than to destroy his creation for their inability to be decent people, but it could have been amazing and wasn't. I honestly think if it had a better director, added about a half hour in length, and was a bit more giving in pertinent details, it could have been great. 

Animal (2014)

Plot: Two groups of unlucky campers get isolated in a cabin where they cannot escape because they are being viciously stalked and attacked by Ving Rhames.

Thoughts: I was informed that me saying the beast in this film looked like Ving Rhames wasn't funny and that it is unbelievable in this day and age that racist people still exist. I agree, and would like to add that it is even more unbelievable that people who crusade against racism can be racist themselves, because I was referring to him starring as the titular character in a film called Animal, and not that he looked like the creature in this film, racist! Although they could be related now that you mention it. That idiot aside, this film is a lot of fun. It's stock characters, but they did a good enough job acting, and the story, while also nothing new, was written well enough that I cared about my characters and wanted them to live. Fortunately for us, they all die in the perfect order, upping the stakes each time, except for our lone survivor. It was predictable that there was a second beast and I wasn't in awe that there was a third, but it was nice enough. Some people weren't fans of the effeminate gay character and how he screamed a lot but that aside, he wasn't written as a damsel in distress, which gave him a pass from me. I guess if I was gay I would be tired of only the most stereotypical gay characters appearing on screen, but alas, the gay community has Nightmare on Elm Street 2, and it took 20 years for straight people to realize the guy was gay. Win, win.

Verdict: It's like a serous Feast film. Typical creature feature in a slasher shell, but I really liked the character for a movie that is basically designed to off them in quick secession. I recommend it for a group where you're looking more for fun to entertain your guest than to stimulate your brain.

The Purge 2: Anarchy (2014)

Plot: Five people band together on the night of the purge in order to survive, although one of them has an agenda of his own, and must decide where he stands.

Thoughts: Similar to the first one, only this time we are in the middle of the actual purge. This time, I really got a feel for the lower working class. I've noticed, since V For Vendetta, that there is a growing number of films examining the discontent with the ruling class and this one is no exception. The first thing that really annoyed me was the couple whose car breaks down. Am I the only one who would have been prepared well in advance, avoiding being broke down in the city? The mom and daughter being hunted by mercenaries of the elite worked well and seemed like real relatives. But I was let down that the creepy thugs in the trailer were nothing more than scavengers picking up on scraps so they could make some cash by selling them to the rich. The cop on a mission really stole the show. Usually, a protagonist is given one person to weigh them down. This one was given four, yet he stood by his duty to protect and serve, even when he didn't have to. The vengeance he sought showed him as a conflicted anti-hero, but his final choice actually revealed a real hero, something that is lacking in modern films. A few more gripes are the intervention of the resistance group. Would probably love that as a third film, but would have preferred the cop to organize a plan, and his dead weight to rise to the occasion, especially when you're going to kill one off anyway. I also would have liked a little more romance between the mom and cop at the end. It made me feel good, knowing he made a right and just decision, so I wanted concrete evidence that he gained what he was really seeking the entire time: a family.

Verdict: If you liked the first Purge film, this one was actually better, the Aliens to Alien, with more action and a much larger story. I recommend this if you're tired of bleak endings.

Perfect Sisters (2014)

Plot: When their mother’s drinking gets out of hand and she starts making poor life choices, her daughters decide it’s best to end her life.

Thoughts: I watched this film because other horror bloggers had reviewed it. As I watched, I asked myself if it could even classify as horror. Well, it’s based on a true story. Seriously, it is. Two daughters murdered their mom because she was an alcoholic. Let that sink in for a second, and then add to the fact that they bragged about it and got a little notoriety, even before they were caught. We watch a decent family starting over and then realize there is a problem: the mother and whichever guy she’s shacked up with. The movie is basically a drama and it’s hard to sit through a couple of teens yapping back and forth, regardless of how interesting they are. It’s not dark enough to be Ginger Snaps, although the girls are a bit on the morbid side. Overall, the only horrific part about this movie is the way they act leading up to and after the murder.

Verdict: The film is better than something you would find on the Lifetime channel, but it’s certainly soft horror, some of the softest I’ve seen, so don’t expect gore or any moments where you say, oh my God. I almost feel guilty even including it, but others have as well.

The Den (2013)

Plot: A college student working on a project studying people’s online habits witnesses a murder. The killer then taunts her as he kills her friends and family.  

Thoughts: Yeah, so it’s multiple killers. This film is an ode to snuff films and people’s lust for real violence on the internet. Ever watch someone beheaded by ISIS? That was a real person, you freak, and you’ve celebrated their death by watching the video. But seriously, we’re curious people and we like to watch things that push the envelope, even though sometimes we know we shouldn’t. This film allows the viewer to live the life of the protagonist and watch as her voyeurism is repaid in a bloodthirsty way. It’s like being on the internet and video chatting with people at random, and that’s all we see for the first part of the film, but it flows well and doesn’t get boring. Then the murder happens and everything turns to hell. We’re reminded at the end that bad shit happens to innocent people and when it’s filmed it becomes entertainment to an unsuspecting viewer who hasn’t really asked the question of morality about what they are watching.

Verdict: This was one of the better films I watched so far in its effectiveness and overall execution. Yeah, everyone is tired of “found footage,” so much that they are looking for any instance where the camera might be set up in an unrealistic way. Well, that’s unfair and you need to relax and enjoy a fictional film. This is an excellent film to let you girlfriend watch when you are working late.

Apartment 143 (2011)

Plot: A team of parapsychologists go to an apartment to investigate the strange events supposedly occurring and find more than they expected.

Thoughts: I like ghost stories and have a soft spot in my heart for parapsychology. Most people are not aware that parapsychologists have PhDs in psychology, or that parapsychology is an actual, legitimate sub-field. Unfortunately, most ghost stories are just that. The anomalous events that occur are sporadic, happen at random, and are usually nothing like in the movies. This film explored poltergeist phenomena, as well as the underlying traumatic event that caused it. It did it by the book (the ones on parapsychology), but turned the volume up enough to make it entertaining for film. It’s shot documentary style, just like what you would expect from an actual parapsychologist. For the most part, this film follows closely what would be documented in an actual investigation, although the length of it was greatly reduced for the film. The lead parapsychologists really knew his stuff on the psychology part and eventually figured out that the actions of the mother that led to her death was weighing heavily on the family and causing the stress and tension between them. There was no ghost, just a young girl manifesting all of her anger and rage in the most magnificent way possible. The film wrapped up beautifully, but instead of a subtle what if (the mama ghost was also around), we’re given an exceptionally lame jump scare with the mama ghost climbing on the ceiling and staring at the camera.

Verdict: The film basically broke its own rules, and because of that, I took a lot of points off. I still recommend you watch this, but I ask you that right as the parapsychologists leave and the picture on the wall falls, to turn off the film! You’ll enjoy it so much better without the ridiculous last 20 seconds.

Click here for week two.

The 2014 October Horror Movie Challenge

The October Horror Movie Challenge is something us horror fiends look forward to every single year. Some of us even go so far as to deprive ourselves of the genre for the entire month of September. My personal best stands at 62 films, which I accomplished last year. I have no intentions of even coming close to that this year, but I will still meet the basic guidelines of 31 horror films in 31 days with 16 first time views, listed below. It has begun. 

Update: Oct. 02
My initial goal was to watch only horror films released in 2014 so as to stay current, but apparently the new trend in horror is to release the film after Halloween season, thus making my venture rather difficult, especially since I've already seen a lot of this year's releases. The films I am finding are difficult to track down, because nothing says promotion more than making a film difficult to view in any possible format. 

Update: Oct. 04
My initial goal was to list every single horror film I watched here. I have instead decided to do a separate entry for each week, ending Saturday night, so I will post it every Sunday. I will still list them and link to the entries here. 

Update: Oct. 05 
Off to a great start with 7 films.
Week One's Roundup

Update: Oct. 12 
Finished my 16 FTVs and have 17 total. 
Week Two's Roundup

Update: Oct. 19 
Getting a bit sluggish with 4 FTVs and 1 classic for 22 total.
Week Three's Roundup

Update: Oct. 26 
Somehow managed to pull off 6 FTVs for a total of 28.
Week Four's Roundup

Update: Nov. 02 
Grabbed another 4 FTVs  and 1 classic for a total of 33, and finished the Shortober Horror Challenge with 31 FTV short films.
Week Five's Roundup

Things That Piss Me Off About Public Restrooms

You walk in and it looks like someone sprayed water all over the place, on the mirrors, the ledges around the sink, and the floor. You assume maybe there was no way to dry, but there are paper towels, and sometimes blowers. Blowers piss me off, but I use them if I have to, rather than fanning my hands out all over the place like I’m a two-year-old in a kiddie pool. Water aside, how hard is it to mop a floor once in a while, or wipe down walls? Apparently it’s very difficult, or expensive.

Number one is usually not a lot to complain about. I mean, it’s a urinal, almost like pissing in the corner, or on a wall, so the most damage someone can do is piss on themselves, or the person next to them. Still, there are times when people leave garbage on top of the urinal, or throw their cigarette butts in the damn thing so everyone after can piss on them and one unlucky bastard has to pull them out, by hand.  

Number two is often a nightmare. I've been in a bathroom where someone shit on the goddamn seat and the toilet was backed up with too much toilet paper. If they barely wiped their ass, why did they need that much? And then there are people who piss all over the seat. It lifts, but I guess they didn't know that. There’s no way they don’t lift it because of germs if they’re gross enough to piss on the seat and not at least wipe it up like any halfway decent person that knows what common courtesy is. But I guess it’s best to have piss and shit on the seat, rather than a piss or shit smiley-face on the wall of the stall. (Yeah, that happened where I work.) Stalls are tiny in a lot of places, so you’re nearly shoulder to shoulder with the walls. Turning around and maneuvering in there can be like playing Operation; get too close and the buzzer in your head goes off that some dirty bastard just gave you AIDS. No, I didn't actually go into Smiley’s stall.

Then there are the people, presumably not guilty of the first few paragraphs, who use ten times as many paper towels and soap than they could possibly need. It’s bad enough they leave the water running while examining their teeth, face, beard, shirt, etc., but then they use enough soap to bathe their body with, and one paper towel for each finger. They make sure to double and triple up because it’s apparently not cool to have any soak-through. To add insult to injury, they then barely wipe their hands or face down with them, before discarding.

The last paragraph probably presents a solution to the aforementioned one, but then it could certainly cost too much in supplies to have them clean every little mess up. I get it’s a bathroom and it’s the dirtiest place everywhere you go since you piss and shit there. But most of this is the behavior of people who have no respect for others, including themselves, and yes, using all the damn paper towels so I have to dry my hands on my shirt is disrespectful. Thought Smiley was a disgusting story? I once went to drop a deuce and someone had urinated all over the seat, so I went to the next stall. While doing my business, someone came in and sat on the piss seat, without wiping it up. I've heard more disgusting stories about the women’s restroom.

Imagine what these people’s houses look like. 

Not a valid excuse.

Housebound (2014)

Housebound is a film I have not reviewed. 

Housebound IMDB
Housebound Wiki

Movie Critics Are Stupid

Going to college, I learned that conformity is much appreciated. Not mainstream conformity, but the even worse, canonical arts conformity, where classical works are intermingled with a few contemporary, self-righteous, scholarly narcissists, who won some crap shoot to be added to the list. Are they good? Probably. Should they be remembered? Probably not. This doesn’t really have anything to do with movie critics, which is my main point.

Why the hell do all movie critics lead off with a paragraph that doesn’t have anything to do with the movie? I’m reading your critique because I want to know if the movie is good enough to watch, and not because I am interested in some bullshit experience you had as a youth that you somehow think is a good segue into a film which overshadows your entire existence, that you’re probably going to misinterpret and give nothing but negative feedback on, simply because it doesn’t measure up to some oft-hailed masterpiece it didn’t try to be in the first place.

Your job is about movies, not small glimpses into your own life that you feel makes you an even greater expert on a subject you have self-proclaimed expertise in. Sure, background info on yourself is fine, and can often explain why you may have liked or disliked something, but I’m not here to read your memoirs, and you’re probably not that interesting to begin with if you spend the majority of your time bashing everything the majority of people enjoyed.

Now there is a difference between someone who reviews movies and a movie critic, despite these terms often being used interchangeably. People who review movies do so because they enjoy films, enjoy writing about them, and usually love sharing their experiences with others, to encourage or discourage other viewers. They often form strong bonds of friendship out of their passionate hobby. Movie critics are snobs who like to point out the obvious, and sometimes the irrelevant, and like to rate the smallest detail against the greatest. They usually just want praise and to be more important than their subject of ridicule.

I have several friends who review movies, and no friends who are movie critics, because movie critics have no friends and have never been laid. They live miserable lives and try to suck everyone into their misery. You either like something, or you don’t, so avoid letting movie critics make that decision for you. 

6 Months

I've created six months worth of posts, an exercise that has allowed me to write every single day, or thereabouts, and I plan on continuing that, but not on this blog. I will continue to focus on my fiction writing, every day, but this blog will become less frequent, at least weekly, possibly Saturday or Sunday as an almost definite, (which more or less makes it indefinite), and who the hell knows what I'm going to write about? Not me. Fiction writing takes more than me sitting down and cranking out fifteen or so minutes of randomness, barely proofreading, and occasionally finding a funny picture to go along with it. It requires effort, work, devotion, perseverance, etc. and I cannot do both. I'm not trying to get rich here, but I've a story or two to tell. 75 countries and 4 territories have anti-social individuals, just like me, just like us, and for that, we should be proud in what we have achieved. Write on.