Thankful #30: Everything Else

I am thankful I have Everything Else to be thankful for. If I can be serious for a minute, take a look around you. Not the small things, but the big picture. I look around and see pain and suffering, disease, famine, war, injustice, death, etc. Yet, on this same exact rock are all the necessary pieces to put an end to all of it, if maybe we could be more thankful for what we have. Instead we’re too busy running our mouths like we have all the answers, which makes us a part of the problem, not the solution. Don’t say, do. I, however, already know I’m a part of the problem and will continue to do just that. We have 100 blog entries to achieve before the end of the world, and I am additionally thankful that we are on course.  

The Other 29!

That's how I rule.

Thankful #29: Keyboard Characters

I’m thankful for Keyboard Characters because there are more of them than letters. This also includes numbers, keyboard characters themselves (and represented twice; cred.) Some may argue they stand alone, but even combined with letters, they would be outnumbered by the characters. While you actually stopped to count to make sure I was right, the keyboard characters slew all of the letters, A-Z, and now the numbers have no choice but to join. Not so smart now, are you? Readers who kept the faith, feel free to add yourself to the keyboard as a symbol; you've been granted immortality. But in all honesty, even the letters are characters, so the number grows and grows, so much that they had to add an Alt key just to make room for even more. I had originally intended to do a blog entry discussing why I was so thankful for each and every one, but I personally feel they form like Voltron and should not be separated. Without them, I’d have no reason to be on here, and neither would you. We rule.  

My favorite thing about reading the Antisocial Club

 is its use of characters. – Carl Sagan

Thankful #28: Zzz

I’m thankful for Zzz, because it’s the sound word for snoring. Technically, it’s an onomatopoeia but I don’t even know how to say that and assume it would make you sound like an Italian chef. Even more awesome, zzz, while meaning one thing, implies another thing, which is related to its meaning. Confused? That’s why they call it an onoencyclopedia. But who doesn’t like zzz? Okay, people who can’t catch them. But I guess their sound word is /zzz. Or is that a soundtax word? Regardless, zzz can change the meaning of so many things. Saying nigga pleazzze means you’re a rapper with narcolepsy. Yet a zzzebra is simply a sleeping zebra. Sadly, internet searching zzz only yields a bunch of pages for zzzQuil, a cleverly marketed sleep-aid that probably causes schizophrenia. But that’s the beauty of it; whenever you see zzz you think of sleep, a sound word I’m thankful for.  

Bowser has stolen all of Mario's Zzz's 

and it's up to Luigi to finally have a use!

Thankful #27: Yeomen

I’m thankful for Yeomen. To be completely honest, I don’t even know what the hell a yeoman is, but it sounds like the name of a foreign born rapper. Group research time! So apparently a yeoman is a farmer, archer, bailiff and the devil, depending upon location and time in history. Why is this not a class in World of Warcraft or whatever online game is now popular? I’m way more thankful for yeomen now, because I feel they can potentially be the model we all live by. As a born-again yeoman, my day will consist of tending crops, feeding cattle, shooting my bow for practice, restoring order with the locals, and banishing doomed souls to hell. Now you understand why we need more of them. 

Croatian rapper Yeo-man w/bitches and hos. 

Thankful #26: Xylophones

I am thankful for Xylophones because of girls, all I really want is girls, and in the morning, it's girls, cause in the evening, it's girls. Yeah, the Beastie Boys were awesome and used a xylophone on that song. If you've not heard it, you were probably raised by religious fundamentalist, off-the-grid survivalists, or some other group ending in an ists. Let us compare xylophones to cellphones to see which you should be thankful for. Cellphones allow you to talk to people, text people, surf the internet, play games, play music, watch movies, take pictures, and can even act as an emergency sex toy. Xylophones, however, do not track your location or give you brain cancer. Winner, xylophones.  

The most popular xylophones believe in gay rights. 

No one knows if they go to hell or not though. 

Thankful #25: Werewolves

I am thankful for Werewolves because in the event there is a zombie apocalypse, vampire uprising, or a dull night at the police station on a full moon, they will make everything awesome. It’s probably why they were invented after Noah ran his boat into the God dam, flooding the world; He had an ultimate plan. Look what happened to vampires. It’s obviously evolution, since they went from apex predators to sparkly, teen heartthrobs who date anemic girls with average looks. Werewolves have, for the most part, stayed cool, even when only looking like Wolverine (another W people should be thankful for.) Werewolves also eat zombies, so another problem solved. If you’re worried about what they would do to the police, well, they will have to use silver bullets, or handcuffs for non-violent offenders. As a protected species, it is our duty to make sure they are not exploited like the Twilights. If not, you can expect My Little Werewolf, with various color eyes and fur, brushes, barrettes, and even a bath-time model. 

Not cool. Well, okay, maybe a little. 

Thankful #24: Vinyl Records

I am very thankful for Vinyl Records. I own more of them than CDs or cassettes. You’re probably thinking that isn't saying much since we live in a digital age, but I was born in 1978, when records were still in use. I grew up on them, and by the time they were being replaced by cassettes, I was still buying them used. I've never stopped buying vinyl records, despite them being harder and harder to find. Now they have returned and will probably surpass CDs. But why am I thankful for them? Well, normally I wouldn't take a subject so seriously, and I see nothing abnormal about this day. I won’t get into the analog versus digital debate. That being said, digital media is so 1984. In case you stumbled upon this blog by accident and are stupid, I’m talking about George Orwell Redenbacher, who wrote that book and invented popcorn. Almost 30 years later your government knows everything you do and microwaveable popcorn causes cancer. I say why give them the satisfaction of knowing what you’re listening to? Not only can they easily track what you download and listen to, but they also expect you to pay for nothing. When you log onto iTunes and purchase a song or album, you’re not really purchasing anything. Good job; you’re making greedy record companies even more money and ensuring the Illuminati will continue to fund bands like Nickelback. You’re the reason music sucks. 

"God is in his holy temple..." 

Thankful #23: Uranus

No one is more thankful for Uranus than I am. I am so thankful for Uranus that I would explore it without protection, even if it meant risking my life. If I had my way, I would begin by orbiting the outer and inner rings, gently probing each one as I make my way in. I would make sure there is not too much (or too little) friction, controlling my velocity as I move back and forth, thrusting deeper and deeper to the center warmth of Uranus. I go on, too fast, too hard, too deep, internal combustion too great, before finally exploding all over Uranus. 

NASA's new enema probe will precede 

the twin probes headed for Uranus. 

Thankful #22: Tomahawks

Being as it’s Thanksgiving, you’re probably expecting me to be thankful for it, but I’m not. Instead, I’m thankful for Tomahawks. Nothing is more American, pre-Columbus and post, than the tomahawk. The Indians knew that the best tools were multipurpose ones, so that’s how they came into use. Tomahawks had many purposes including hunting, gathering, climbing, treaties, ceremonies, killing and scalping white men. The tomahawk was so bad ass that the Europeans had to adopt it and learn how to use it in order to successfully defeat the natives in the war of dependence (so named because they were dependent on Thanksgiving dinner from their new red brothers). Speaking of Thanksgiving dinner, do you know what the most popular red wine is in America? You stole our land. Lulz (Tsalagi blood, bitches, so back up.) I am thankful for tomahawks because of their cultural significance, their bad assery, and the fact that I personally own one and they are still being used today. Now if I can be serious for a minute, it would be awesome if all Americans (and Canadians, Mexicans, and everyone from Central and South America) could come together and recognize that all of you  have had more than a little Native DNA slipped into your ancestry. Owned. 

The Swiss stole this idea. Notice it’s red. 

Thankful #21: Slayer

Everyone should be thankful for Slayer if only for their ability to give the world the middle finger. It is not often that a band can be labeled racist and Satanic while being fronted by a Chilean Catholic, but Slayer does what they want. One of the biggest reasons I am personally thankful for Slayer is that when you are in a bar with a bunch of college girls waiting to hear the next R. Kelly song in the rotation, you can very easily drop a dollar on those touch-screen jukeboxes and interrupt the queue to play Raining Blood. It will quickly separate the women from the girls, since real ladies appreciate good thrash metal and sluts listen to Nickelback (and R. Kelly).  

Either mom was a real lady, or dad 

had a dollar to spare at the bar. 

Thankful #20: Railroads

I’m thankful for Railroads. It has nothing to do with the fact that they ship things all across the country or helped Bruce Willis to realize he was a repressed super hero. For starters, they are a unique road for awesome, huge, oblong boxes that can destroy anything in their path. You’re probably thinking I am actually thankful for trains, but that is only one element that comprises the railroad. They also have cool ghost stories attached to them, like the engineer who was talking on his cellphone and ran into a bus full of children. In the same exact location, if you put your car in neutral, their spirits will send you a text saying, “YOLO.” If you don’t move, you still get hit by the train. One more thing (of many) is that they serve as public transportation. I’m not talking about Amtrak, but all of the hobos and blues musicians (and occasionally Pee-wee Herman) who use them for travel. I wasn't always fond of railroads. My grandfather’s life was drastically shortened by them, my friend, Jake, lost his legs on them, and some friends and I once hid from Dennis Leary and DJ Everlast when they were chasing us down after witnessing a murder they committed. But if you take the good and you take the bad and you take them both, then there you have why I am thankful for railroads. 

This kid is now a skinny adult thanks to the railroad workout. 

The other kid went to space. Cred.

Thankful #19: Quotes

Everyone knows I am thankful for Quotes; I post one every single day. What’s awesome about quotes is they make less intelligent people feel more intelligent, and look it, too. Well, unless you already know they’re a dumbass. But if I see quotation marks around some idiot’s status update, I’m more likely to take a few seconds and read the first part of it, until I hit a series of grammatical errors that remind me they can barely write and have no clue how to copy and paste. Some people get quoted way too much. Look at all the words of wisdom from Hunter S. Thompson plastered across the internet. He gets quoted to death (no pun intended.) Hell, some people who quote him can’t even tell you who he is or that he holds the record for most touchdown passes in the NFL. Even more fun is when people take quotes out of context, not intentionally, but obliviously, and try to link them to their own bullshit crusade. They make reading that much more enjoyable. 

"You have AIDS." - John Cusack

Thankful #18: Putt-Putt

I am thankful for one of the greatest sports ever: Putt-Putt. I know, you’re thinking it’s called Mini-golf, but Putt-Putt is like the UFC; it’s just a brand, but it’s THE brand. You also might be thinking it’s a kids game, or that it doesn't require any skill. You've obviously been wrong before. This game isn't about caddies and golf carts, or professional equipment and lame clothing. This game is purely about using the materials at your disposal. They give you a putter, no gloves, no fancy shoes, and the courses are usually lopsided and in disrepair. Complain about the green all you want, but it will fall on deaf ears. Tiger Woods wouldn't last ten minutes, because playing 18 holes outside of the bedroom obviously wasn't his forte.  If I played regularly, I would call myself Lion Stones and putt him upside the head. 

Ball deep.

Thankful #17: Oxygen

If there is one thing we cannot live without, it's Oxygen. I'm thankful for it because it allows me to breath, bathe, and get away from my girlfriend for a few hours a week. Yeah, it's a TV channel, too. But besides needing it for our air and water, it also can cause frostbite and explosions. Talk about hot and cold. Yeah, that makes it one of the baddest elements on the planet besides maybe fluorine, but no one's thankful for fluorine.

This guy should have been more thankful for Oxygen;  owned. 

Thankful #16: Nike

Although I've not worn them in ages, I’m thankful for Nike. As a kid, you couldn't go wrong with them. Every sports star worth their money was endorsed by them (i.e. Michael Jordan), and legendary players still are (i.e. Michael Jordan). I never actually owned a pair of Jordans myself, and while it would be awesome to buy  a pair now just to say I have, the mental image of me walking through the woods, swinging my tomahawk, felling tree and foe alike, all while sporting the greatest NBA player of all time’s namesake is, well, retarded. Besides, things just don’t last like they used to, so now I see no point in shelling out big bucks for a pair of shoes. Maybe I’m just thankful for the Nike of my youth and not the sweatshop-produced crap they put out now? Yeah.

“Complain all you want about quality, 

I don’t even know how to finger-paint.”

Thankful #15: McHammer

McHammer is probably one of the rappers I am most thankful for, which is rather ironic since my last post was about marijuana, both endorsed by former president Bill Clinton. Stop! Hammertime. Normally I would be critical of him not selling more albums internationally (20 million)  than he did in the US (30 million) because I have readers from 24 countries now, but that’s probably due to the way he was categorized in most of them. Like the phone book  he belongs under the Mc section, which is where Americans know to look for him in music stores. U can’t touch this. I don’t have the data, but imagine he was hugely successful in Ireland, where everything is categorized Fitz, Mc, O, or Not Irish. He was just easier to find there. If you look at how diverse he was as an artist (Hammer pants, Adams Family, Death Row Records) you’ll understand why he is too legit to quit.

The possibilities are endless.

Thankful #14: Marijuana

I'm thankful for Marijuana. Personally, I never touch the stuff. If I found seeing strange, orange, orbs right above my line of sight that don't go away when I close my eyes entertaining, well, I'd be doing it. But I don't. Marijuana should be legal. Yeah, I believe that. But alcohol already is, and while regulated, it's still abused. The majority of Americans believe it should be legal and regulated, and this is a pseudo-democracy, so… Now while it is a federal crime to possess due to it not having any known medical benefits, because, well, it's illegal and scientists can't really study it, maybe the DEA should not waste so much time and effort on drugs that normally don't kill people. Of course, we live in a country that still actually has legislation against oral sex, which I guess kind of makes sense considering.

Didn't inhale.

Thankful #13: Lions

Lions rule; I’m thankful for them. If you've read every blog entry I've posted, you know that Dew Claw, the lioness, and I are great friends and survivalists in our spare time. You’ll also know that both of us have had severe injuries to our bodies and basically walked them off. If you had to choose between a lion and an Insanislupus, well, no contest, but lions are still awesome for several reasons. Male lions don’t live that long because they fight all the time. Imagine an entire species of George Foremans, only they know when to hang it up and don’t endorse grills. Female lions don’t sit around, bitching and crying because they don’t make as much money as their counterparts. Instead they go out hunting and doing all kinds of manly things, while still caring for the babies. Cred. That’s why I’m thankful for lions.

Made from the digested remains 

of the Frosted Flakes mascot.

Thankful #12: Knives

I’m thankful for Knives because they cut things. You've probably never been thankful for one, but think of all the times you've eaten dinner. You’re probably telling yourself you could simply just eat something like a cheeseburger, which doesn't need a knife to cook or eat. Imagine eating them every day, because you can’t eat a steak without one and still be civilized. This is also why I think it is the superior eating utensil; you only need a spoon for soup and with a little skill you could use a knife as a fork, but not a fork as a knife. But knives come in many forms with many uses. They also function as tools and weapons. If you only had one knife, you could use it to kill something, cut it up, and then eat it. You can’t do that with a fork or spoon, unless of course it’s Jell-O. Knives rule. 

This Jell-O met an untimely end via a: 

a) fork, b) spoon, or c) knife?

Thankful #11: John Fogerty

I’m thankful for John Fogerty, the former lead singer of Creedence Clearwater Revival. Their sound is distinct compared to all of the bands invading from the United Kingdom at the time. Nothing says American like a San Francisco band playing Southern Rock and stolen Blues songs. When Fogerty felt that he was the only one driving the band, he fired all of them and went solo. Cred. 

"Wrote a song for everyone, 

except for Doug and Stu, 

because I fired those guys." 

-John Fogerty

Thankful #10: Insanislupus

Ten is the number of perfection, so I found it fitting to be thankful for Insanislupus. I know, it’s selfless to hold off this long before being thankful for oneself, but I felt the timing could not have been better. Why am I thankful for myself? If you calculate the percentage of the entire population I represent (me divided by the world’s population) your calculator will break. It’s a fact.

 I tell no lies.

Thankful #9: Hell

I’m thankful for Hell because it is where most of us will end up. If you read my blog, you more than likely laugh at things you shouldn't and probably enjoy the misery of others, things that guarantee your journey. Hell is not reserved for people that wear heavy metal shirts and get arrested regularly. Those people go to Heaven because they’re mentally challenged. You’re probably thinking, “but I don’t even believe in Hell.” That, too, is  a punishable offense. See you there. 

No one knows what Satan looks like;

this is my interpretation of him in Hell. 

Thankful #8: Google

There is no greater force than Google. It has the ability to archive everything and has been making people of average intelligence seem more intelligent (at least to themselves and their peers on message boards) for years now. If you can’t find it on Google, it simply doesn't exist. Anytime someone asks me where my proof is, I simply tell them to search it and shove it. Additionally, what makes someone think they have the right to question your research, let alone help them with theirs? With Google, all things are possible. 

 You'd be surprised the places you can lose them.

Thankful #7: Fags

The strongest memories of my father are him with Fags, so that’s what I’m thankful for today. He always had them with him; at work, at home, on vacation, it didn't matter. I never really cared for them much myself, but I remember going to the UK and people asking me if I knew where they could find them. I always told them Kentucky, because we produced more fags there than they had in their entire country. The scent of a nice, strong fag brings back a lot of memories.

God hates fags, 

because they cause cancer. 

Thankful #6: Electricity

I’m thankful for Electricity because there is nothing greater than harnessing that which can potentially kill you. I imagine someone was out walking in a thunderstorm when a friend of theirs was struck and killed. Out of revenge, they captured it and forced it into slavery. We've had the internet ever since. Did you know that it takes three times the energy to view my blog compared to the average one? I just made that up, but I’m still thankful for electricity. 

Al Gore enslaving electricity shortly before inventing the internet.

Thankful #5: Doctors and Dentists

I’m thankful for Doctors and Dentists. You might notice I mentioned double D’s. I’m a guy, so get over it. Everyone should see one of each at least once a year (Doctors and Dentists, too), because the number of things that can kill you constantly increases and the number one cause of losing teeth is not brushing them. Who would have thought? However, not everyone knows that going to the dentist could prevent you from having to go to the doctor. Poor oral hygiene may increase your chance of heart attack and stroke, as well as getting laid by someone with good oral hygiene. 

Sharks eat both doctors and dentists, 

therefor do not need to see either. 

Thankful #4: Camouflage

I am very thankful for the many uses of Camouflage. While I’m sure you’re thinking of various woodsy colors, I’m talking about the more general form, where even Ku Klux Klansmen could go undetected at a textile factory, so long as they turned sideways (Klansmen are two-dimensional and lack depth.) The uses of camo are limited only to man’s imagination.

 The entire 3rd Ranger Battalion of the United States Army
are hidden in this picture. Can you find them?

Thankful #3: Bees

I am thankful for Bees for several reasons. One, their name sounds exactly like the first letter of their name. Two, they make honey and wax. Three, they've never stung me. If you know a bee by name and say it five times in the mirror before turning out the lights, they will appear and kill you. 

This bee is the embodiment of awesome, being able to kill instantly
anyone who looks into it; the clock was an optional upgrade.

Thankful #2: Aardvarks

Probably German and meaning yard work, the 2nd thing I am thankful for are Aardvarks because their name is so awesome it requires two of the same letter at the beginning, a distinct advantage when listing things alphabetically, or when playing scrabble and someone spells the word ark. Other than that, these things are useless and look like a pig mated with a raccoon. 

This is the only aardvark that walks like George Jefferson. 

Thankful #1 and List (30 Days of Thanksgiving)

This list is at least challenging and potentially fun. I've only seen it on Facebook, so maybe I am the first one to bring it to Blogger. To be a dick, I will include each one as a separate entry. I will periodically update my list, and only the list, of things I am thankful for throughout my blog entries for this month. My list here will vary from my list on Facebook in that each thing (after the first and very special one) will start with a letter of the alphabet.
It’s very difficult for me to find 30 things to be thankful for all year, let alone 1 each day, but I must admit that I am thankful someone on this great planet shares the same exact feelings as I do, or at least enjoys reading about my feelings, unless all of my readers are random hobos stumbling in and I don’t even have regulars, aside from my loose connection of friends; I rule. I guess the 1st thing I am thankful for is my readers.

Some people still prefer my pre-blog format. 

1. You Guys
2. Aardvarks  
3. Bees
4. Camouflage
5. Dentists and Doctors
6. Electricity
7. Fags
8. Google
9. Hell
10. Insanislupus
11. John Fogerty
12. Knives
13. Lions
14. Marijuana
15. McHammer
16. Nike
17. Oxygen
18. Putt-Putt
19. Quotes
20. Railroads
21. Slayer
22. Tomahawks
23. Uranus
24. Vinyl Records
25. Werewolves
26. Xylophones
27. Yeomen
28. Zzz
29. Keyboard Characters
30. Everything Else

I Have Returned

Am I the only one that notices people stress themselves out over going on vacation? That more or less defeats the purpose. I had 1 for 11 days, worked 2 and then had another 5 days off. Day one of my vacation was spent sleeping for 12 hours and disrupting my already irregular sleep pattern. It takes years off your life, but so do impending doomsdays that stress us out as they loom above our head. It just now dawned on me that Fruit of the Loom, who make underwear, have the word loom in their name, which is something normally large and threatening. Internet lulz galore. Thou hath discovered the Boots of Force, young Jedi.