Armstrong is a tough name. It just sounds like a guy who travels
carnivals to test the high striker, swinging the mallet with all of his might,
until the puck smashes through the top, (DING!) before floating off into space.
They eventually ban him from future competitions after he collects an entire
zoo of giant, stuffed animals. Two Armstrongs were in the news this week.
Lance won 7 Tour de France titles, after beating cancer, and
with only one testicle. With half a sack he has more balls than everyone else.
Rather than fight drug allegations, he told the USDA to bike over a cliff. Who
can blame him? He’s already a champion and while they can determine which foods
he can legally eat, they don’t make the decision to take his titles away.
That’s the University of California, Irvine’s job. Was it a bad thing he took
drugs? Sure. Look at professional wrestling. Once the steroids came into use,
the entire sport became fake. But this is Lance Armstrong, and he should have
drug-fueled guns to hold onto his handlebars with.
Neil walked on the moon. Let us not fall prey to ridiculous
conspiracy theories about a faked lunar landing. Sadly, it’s obvious that NASA
had him killed over his objection to the Mars rover. He proved that man, not
machines, should be walking through the solar system. Instead we get a tent
made of candy bar wrappers and golf clubs, built on wheels. You cannot battle aliens with a roll of
aluminum foil. A veteran of the Lunar Wars, Neil Armstrong had to swing a
mallet, in space with gravity against him, in order to launch
extra-terrestrials into orbit (DING!), so they could be the first to plant
their flags. We won, you grey/green bastards.
However, I believe in compromise. I propose a new doping
program for our astronauts, one in which we create Armstrong Schwarzenneger, an
elite space Marine, who can throw hammers and breath fire at his opponents, all
while riding a unicycle. Now I need to go work on some design plans.