Traffic Directors

What makes people think they get to play traffic director whenever they come to a stop sign? The reason I’m waiting is because you were at the stop sign first, not because I need your permission to go. Don’t wave me on; I’ve already got it figured out that you’re a dumb ass that doesn’t know how to drive.

Armstrong

Armstrong is a tough name. It just sounds like a guy who travels carnivals to test the high striker, swinging the mallet with all of his might, until the puck smashes through the top, (DING!) before floating off into space. They eventually ban him from future competitions after he collects an entire zoo of giant, stuffed animals. Two Armstrongs were in the news this week. 

Lance won 7 Tour de France titles, after beating cancer, and with only one testicle. With half a sack he has more balls than everyone else. Rather than fight drug allegations, he told the USDA to bike over a cliff. Who can blame him? He’s already a champion and while they can determine which foods he can legally eat, they don’t make the decision to take his titles away. That’s the University of California, Irvine’s job. Was it a bad thing he took drugs? Sure. Look at professional wrestling. Once the steroids came into use, the entire sport became fake. But this is Lance Armstrong, and he should have drug-fueled guns to hold onto his handlebars with.

Neil walked on the moon. Let us not fall prey to ridiculous conspiracy theories about a faked lunar landing. Sadly, it’s obvious that NASA had him killed over his objection to the Mars rover. He proved that man, not machines, should be walking through the solar system. Instead we get a tent made of candy bar wrappers and golf clubs, built on wheels.  You cannot battle aliens with a roll of aluminum foil. A veteran of the Lunar Wars, Neil Armstrong had to swing a mallet, in space with gravity against him, in order to launch extra-terrestrials into orbit (DING!), so they could be the first to plant their flags. We won, you grey/green bastards.

However, I believe in compromise. I propose a new doping program for our astronauts, one in which we create Armstrong Schwarzenneger, an elite space Marine, who can throw hammers and breath fire at his opponents, all while riding a unicycle. Now I need to go work on some design plans.  

Daily Quote 08/25/2012

"I am become Death, destroyer of worlds!"  —Xzar the Mad Wizard

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baldur%27s_Gate_series

Daily Quote 08/12/2012

"Farewell, happy fields, where joy forever dwells! Hail, horrors! Hail, infernal world!"  —John Milton

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradise_Lost

Paul Ryan Selected As Romney's Running Mate After AIDS Diagnosis

I want you to ask yourself how much you knew about Paul Ryan before August 11th, 2012. Of course, everybody is now an expert since he's been selected as a VP candidate. In fact, my blog traffic has quadrupled since posting this entry, as everyone hurriedly rushed to the startling health revelation. Sure, I made it up, just like the amount of increased traffic to my site thanks to an article on him I am currently writing, but that's just my point. None of you, including Wisconsin, knew who he was, except for 40-year-old Republicans who listen to Rush Limbaugh. The same thing happens with every candidate that pops up for the race. I seriously doubt anyone ever said, "I hope Paul Ryan is chosen as Mitt's VP." The same thing went for Biden. No one knew about Obama, his record, of that he wasn't really a US citizen, let alone who he was going to choose as a running mate.

According to my research (one ABC News article) Paul Ryan is gay-friendly, acknowledging that they were born that way and it's not a choice, which I'm sure came as a relief to soul-searching homosexuals asking why they were that way. Remember the Bill Clinton footage where he stopped into McDonald's to get fries? Picture Paul Ryan stopping into Chick-fil-a with a gay secret serviceman, declaring that they will have to serve both of them, or none. The president of the company makes a statement that all Americans have a right to good service, which will probably piss off all non-Americans. See how this works?

Or maybe he was selected because his name is similar to Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, and Ben Affleck, combined!) The jury's out.

Daily Quote 08/07/2012

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."  —Western Union

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_Union

Daily Quote 08/05/2012

"Let all the monsters tremble!"  —Pelafina H. Lièvre

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_leaves