Abercrombie & Fitch cologne has been a secret ingredient of
mine (and Abraham “Fuck you, my dick is bigger” Lincoln) for years. In fact, I
once modeled my manly pecs as their poster boy, until they decided a hairless,
unmanly chest was more suitable. But then an atrocity happened, (one that I did
not notice for over a year.) But first, a little story.
The first A & F cologne
was 2 parts manliness, 1 part animal, made from the sweat of the aforementioned
former president and a North American mammalian hybrid called a Bealf. This is
still true today, only knocked down a notch so that people would not die upon
first contact. It went on to become Fierce, and I started wearing it in 2002
when a girl I lived with loved the smell of it. The fact that it was a
predominantly gay male’s cologne was wiped from the history books the first
time I wore it, and today it is the Sword in the Stone of fragrances, only
wieldable by the most powerful.
Then the horror happened.
It was pointed out to me that the man on the bottle now came complete with
plumber’s crack. Yes, topless and hairless was bad enough, but nothing could
prepare me for a man’s waxed ass hanging out. Luckily, the sticker can be
removed with a belt sander. But this whole ad campaign violates the 28th
amendment to the U.S. Constitution which states that no one shall ever put male
nudity on any male products. Lawsuit forthcoming.