Today, so far, has been a good day. Normally, I wouldn’t waste my time dwelling on any negativity. However, this is exactly what led to the anger in my life before. As a special holiday treat, I give to you the second thing I hate, Thanksgiving.
It was 1621 when the white settlers new to America had run out of food. Neighboring natives took pity and taught the Europeans how to survive. They celebrated with a huge bounty called Thanksgiving, where the Native Americans shared their food, were slaughtered in their sleep by greedy white people, and cursed them to celebrate that day every year, or else the angry Indian zombies would rise from the grave and eat them. We still celebrate it today.
That isn’t what pisses me off about Thanksgiving. Instead, it’s Macy’s bullshit parade.
Macy’s Parade started on Thanksgiving Day, 1924, when the citizens of New York City decided they would no longer celebrate the holiday because it would, get this, “offend the Indians.” Not being ones to study history, New Yorkers had forgotten the sacred tradition and what would happen in the event they didn’t celebrate it. Hours passed once the sun rose, but by 9am, when the air was without the smell of succulent turkey, creamy mashed potatoes and gravy, pumpkin pie, etc. the Indian zombies rose from the grave.
They walked through the streets, stumbling, bumping into people, kind of like other New Yorkers. By noon, the Indian zombies had had enough. They began to devour everyone they saw. Thousands of people died. Thousands more sadly lived, turning into zombies themselves, from their wounds. A plan needed to be hatched.
The local Indians, still alive after selling their land and moving to Cleveland, made a stand against the white zombies (who had nothing to do with Rob Zombie). They did this on Wall Street, which was ironically named after a large wall built to stop Indian attacks on settlers centuries before. Armed with bows and arrows, tomahawks and Thompson machineguns, the Indians drove the new zombies back, but instead of retreating, they decided to turn around and attack the whites who they expected to have forgotten about them already.
It was then that a young Rudy Giuliani, just back from his stint at Notre Dame University where he played a full minute in a football game after being on the team for four years, led the whites in a battle against the forces of Mordor. During the battle, a poultry farm caught ablaze, killing over a thousand turkeys and charring their flesh, which miraculously sent all the Indian zombies back to their graves. The white zombies, unsure of what it was exactly they were killing people over, decided to just follow them. It is said they evicted the Indian zombies from their ancestral burial grounds and took it for themselves, but that is probably just Zombie folklore.
As odd as this story sounds, the owner of Macy’s who I never bothered to look up, established the store over 150 years ago. Vampire.
Now you know the true supernatural history of Thanksgiving, as presented by yours truly, and why I hate the one we celebrate today. Think about this the next time you decided to be a bitch and have Chinese food, or Lasagna, instead of Turkey.