Mother's Day

A typical Mother's Day for me was usually going out with my dad to pick her something out, returning home with it, and then her making me something to eat before I watched Magnum P.I. and went to bed. It was nice because I only had to impress her and no one else, not even my grandmother. My dad always bought my mom something, because he did have a hand (or penis) in her being a mom, so it made sense.

But now I'm apparently supposed to thank every woman who has kids, as if they've contributed something to the world by spreading their legs. Well, thanks for increasing the amount of carbon your child will produce, speeding up global warming, thawing the dinosaurs, and making life miserable for postal carriers that now have to fear more than just rabid pit bulls. Thanks to mothers around the world, I will soon be forced to listen to a bunch of idiots who think T. Rex should have the same rights as people. Don't get me started on the idiots that say Mother's Day should be every day and see their mothers once a month.

Everyone should be thankful for their mother who brought them into this world, unless she's a worthless whore who gave them up for adoption because she couldn't afford her drug habit, and then decided to return years later in an act of selfishness to continue failing where she left off, depriving them of being adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who could have made all their dreams come true. I love my mom; I hate everyone else's.