Some friends and I were discussing the end of the world the
other night, so for fun we made our own personal lists of five people we could
take with us that would help us to survive the collapse of society.
Who: Insanislupus
What: Leader
Where: Kentucky
When: January 27th, 1978
Why: Has a list of 1001 things he hates and cannot be
killed.
The first person that came to my mind was myself (and I don't count as one of the five.) I rule, cannot be killed, but can kill wild animals with my bare hands, although I usually just talk them down,
make them come to their senses, and then we go out marauding unsuspecting
people who go on to tell tales of how they were chased out of the wilderness by
me and a sleuth of grizzlies. But now they can also include…
Who: Mehmet Oz
What: Doctor
Where: Wherever
When: 1986
Why: Has been helping people to survive for 25 years.
I know, you’ve probably got the oddest picture of the
greatest internetist, followed by grizzlies, and then a happy, smiling Dr. Oz
wielding a crossbow in one hand a clipboard in the other. But you would not
live long enough to laugh. Dr. Oz is obviously a brilliant doctor and has been
saving lives for half of his own, but what makes him perfect for my team is
that he’s a big proponent of integrative medicine, that pseudo-science that all
the physicians from around the world (and since pharmacology started) have been
practicing unless they are corporate shills bending over for the drug industry.
For kicks, we will probably make his shelter out of emeralds and line the path
to it with yellow bricks, which were carved from the mountains by…
Who: Aron Ralston
What: Engineer
Where: Mountains of Utah
When: April 26, 2003
Why: Climbed a mountain after self-amputation, stopped to
play a hand of poker and get a beer, before finding his rescuers who were lost.
If you don't know who he is, try cutting your own arm off
and come back to me later. Yeah, that guy. Just in case, he was trapped by a
boulder and had to self-amputate his arm, climb out of the crack he was in,
repel one-handed down a 65' wall, and hike 8 miles back to his car in the
mid-day sun. According to his Wikipedia article, he found a Dutch family along
the way, so it's safe to say he marched all the way to the Netherlands before
finding the rescuers that were looking for him (they were lost and he probably
had trouble flagging them down with one arm). He also has a degree in
mechanical engineering and speaks French. Sure, the French language will be as
useless as the French military has been since World War II, but imagine all the
wind, water, and solar power we will have once we let him loose. He can
probably even make us a deep freeze just in time for the return of...
Who: Dew Claw the Lioness!!!!
What: Hunter/Scavenger
Where: South Africa’s Kruger National Park
When: Unsure
Why: Survived brain hemorrhage, damaged right eye, and a
puncture wound under her neck into her mouth from a Hippo and walked it off.
You might not know who she is, but you might not want to.
While hunting with her in-experienced pride, she had her head crushed in a
hippo’s mouth, causing her brain to hemorrhage under the 2000 pounds of
pressure, a tusk piercing past her jugular and through the bottom of her mouth.
The other lionesses mourned her passing, but she decided, rather than dying, to
walk it off and go back to hunting 2 weeks later in order to make my team.
She’s made of all things women should be made of, tested and true, making
feminist and PETA proud, so logically should have baby liontaurs with…
Who: Paul Templer
What: Warrior
Where: Zambezi River, Zimbabwe
When: On the Zambezi, where time stands still
Why: Survived punctured lungs, a punctured major artery, and
a crushed foot after a hippo attack.
Ironically, my next person not only had his arm amputated,
but did so after facing a hippo. After
serving in the British Army (I assume in an elite squad dedicated to the
elimination of hippos and self-amputation,) he settled in Zimbabwe to lead
rich, white people on river safaris. Templer jumped in head and shoulders first
to a hippo's mouth after it knocked passengers out of his boat and tried to
devour them. Born bad ass, he fought the hippo off with his bare hands, but
only so he could make it back to the surface long enough to get cell phone
service and finish his game of Words With Friends. The hippo would have none of
that and grabbed Templer's foot, dragging him back in, but a second round of
well-placed blows freed him back to the surface again. The hippo decided a
third attack, a bite into his chest, followed by shaking him back and forth like
he only weighed 200 pounds, would do the trick, but finally realized Templer
was just luring him in and swam away. After raising the chances of escaping a
hippo attack to .00001%, he patched himself up as best as someone with puncture
wounds in their lungs and body can do and doggie-paddled to the local hospital,
270 miles away (where it is rumored he scoffed at what the cafeteria was
serving and swam to a European hospital for something more palatable,) before
admitting himself. He continues to offer tours on the same river, minus an arm,
and riding the hippo he has since enslaved, waiting for the arrival of me
and...
Who: Salma Hayek
What: Santánico Pandemonium
Where: The set of From Dusk Till Dawn.
When: January 19th, 1996
Why: Who better to repopulate the world with?
Salma Hayek. I’m a humble man and must make huge sacrifices
when it comes to picking who I will repopulate the world with. I decided it
should be none other than this unattractive and impoverished actress, with
small breasts. I’ve obviously chosen her strictly on her kind heart and
personality and nothing else. She was also really hot in From Dusk Till Dawn
(and Desperado and Bandidas and…) and I’m hopeful she knows how to cook,
because I forgot to take that into consideration. I’m sure she does other
stuff, too.
So there is team Insanislupus. Where is yours?
Honorable mentions:
Barrack Obama. The guy won the Nobel Prize for just
existing. That rules.
Anne Hathaway. She is playing Catwoman and did not laugh
once during the scenes where she had to listen to Christian Bale’s Batman
voice.
Houston. Not sure her last name, but I read on Wikipedia
that she took on “620 men without interruption.”
Forrest Gump. Not only can he run like the wind, but this
Medal of Honor recipient can take a bullet in the buttocks while saving lives,
and operate a boat better than George Clooney. He has been temporarily
disqualified until I can confirm alleged reports that he is a fictional person.
Ryan Gosling. Baby Goose has been saving a life every week
in a different city each time (although rumors suggest it might actually be
Zach Shields). I imagine he could beat up more paparazzi than Matthew
McConaughey, and I’m not alone in sharing the love: http://tonictherapy.blogspot.com/2012/04/to-extreme.html