I had to listen to some jackass tell me about how manly his
beard was for five minutes today. Okay, he wasn’t talking to me, but I was at a
bookstore and he was telling his girlfriend, who giggled, probably not because
he’s funny, but because he has a small penis. He went on to talk about how it
was epic and that it took a lot of work. What exactly is the achievement of
having a beard? What exactly is the work involved? Shaving means running water,
wetting and lathering your face with shaving cream, and then being careful with
a razor that can skin you alive. Growing
a beard involves doing none of the above. In fact, it literally involves
doing nothing. Sure, you could trim it or shape it, but you don’t actually have
to. Also, there is a vague and undefined line on where a beard begins or ends.
There is no definable length where you technically have a beard and not just
stubble, and if beards are achievements, then just having one means that
everyone who did absolutely nothing has achieved something. If there were
leaders in certain categories, like the longest beard, fullest beard, oldest
beard, etc. then you could say you have accomplished something, but being as
the majority of people in the world will not have any of those titles, it’s a
bit pointless to brag. Wearing a beanie, flannel, and growing a beard, yet not
having, or knowing how to use, an ax, is a bit insulting to those who invented
your style. Although it is better than the Where’s Waldo? look everyone was
going for before.
Manscapes with an ax.