Daily Quote 09/28/2012

"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?" —Abraham Lincoln

Daily Quote 09/26/2012

"I'm fat, but I'm thin inside... there's a thin man inside every fat man." —Santa Claus

Daily Quote 09/24/2012

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul."  — Marylin Monroe

Daily Quote 09/21/2012

"Nothing is certain except death and taxes." —Saint Matthew

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Matthew

Western Sky Loans

If you're clueless, there are plenty of advertisements for Western Sky loans, a Cheyenne River Sioux finance company. The commercials depict a squaw rapidly telling you how to get an affordable, overnight loan of up to $10,000 with an APR as high as 342.86%. I'm not joking. These rates have appalled people to the point of outrage. But let us do some math. The majority of people who live in the United States are descendants of people who took the 3,794,101 square miles of land initially inhabited by the Indians and this particular tribe now inhabits 4,267 square miles of it. So if we take that 4,267 and divide it by 3,794,101, we're left with .1% of the original land they could have inhabited. Now I know that you're thinking this is an unfair calculation, since not all of the Indians were forced to live on this particular amount of land and their original roamings were not all over the entire country. But life's not fair, unlike these loans which no one is forced to take out.

http://www.westernsky.com/

Daily Quote 09/19/2012

"I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member." —Groucho Marx

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groucho_marx

Daily Quote 09/17/2012

"Do not take life too seriously; You will never get out of it alive." —Elbert Hubbard

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elbert_Hubbard

Daily Quote 09/15/2012

"I think, from all I can learn, that heaven has the better climate, but hell has the better company." —Benjamin Wade

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benjamin_Wade

Daily Quote 09/11/2012

"Build nothing there. It’s been bombed twice. I think that’s enough for one area."  —Therapeutic Musings

http://tonictherapy.blogspot.com/2012/09/patriot-day.html

You’re Working Retail; Get Off Your Pedestal.

Every time I go to a pharmacy and the actual pharmacist isn’t there supervising their technicians, I get nothing but attitude. It’s bad enough when I have to wait five minutes for you to stop surfing the internet before you acknowledge I’m waiting in line at 3 AM, but it’s even worse when I see you roll your eyes when I ask for my prescription. Sorry for making you do the job you went to school and trained for, but looking through a bin for something that has already been filled is less likely to kill you than I am.  

Check My Signature, Please!

Every time I go through a drive through and hand them my debit card, they flip it over to look at the back, which is not signed, and then slide it anyway. You’re supposed to ask me for my ID, especially since it’s not signed, or refuse it outright. How many times has that happened? None. Ever. So much for trying to protect my identity and finances.   

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb or: Dr. Strangelove

Two major events happened this past month. 

One, for the first time ever, I had more Russian readers than from Germany, Canada, The United Kingdom, and the United States, my native country. This either means that people across the Russian Federation enjoy reading my blog, or have fallen for my trick of tagging every post with “how to obtain nukes.” A fellow blogger at Therapeutic Musings suggested that my posts may be more interesting over vodka (and sales are up, so I take full credit.)

Two, and the part that saddens me, is that Internet Explorer beat out Safari, Firefox, and Chrome as the most used internet browser. I use Chrome, which took some time getting used to, but I now loathe anything else. Sure, we’ve got a head start on democracy and you still live under an oppressive regime we could never imagine, but why have a similar web surfing experience? 

It was not long ago that we put our differences aside and one of your cosmonauts assisted our very own Bruce Willis in destroying an impending meteor destined to destroy Earth. I ask all of you for that solidarity again and to try any of the aforementioned browsers. 

Daily Quote 09/02/2012

"If we want to win, we’ve got to kill Japs." —Dr. Seuss.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss

Gay Marriage and Abortion

I’m pretty sure if the two most important issues to you in the upcoming election are gay marriage and abortion, you have no clue what an important issue is in our country right now. Do us all a favor and stop listening to what ads are telling you. Obama is NOT going to pass any gay marriage legislation. Romney is NOT fully against abortion. If you had paid attention to what they both actually said on these issues, you might have a different opinion about them. I’ll still be voting for anyone but them. 

Traffic Directors

What makes people think they get to play traffic director whenever they come to a stop sign? The reason I’m waiting is because you were at the stop sign first, not because I need your permission to go. Don’t wave me on; I’ve already got it figured out that you’re a dumb ass that doesn’t know how to drive.

Armstrong

Armstrong is a tough name. It just sounds like a guy who travels carnivals to test the high striker, swinging the mallet with all of his might, until the puck smashes through the top, (DING!) before floating off into space. They eventually ban him from future competitions after he collects an entire zoo of giant, stuffed animals. Two Armstrongs were in the news this week. 

Lance won 7 Tour de France titles, after beating cancer, and with only one testicle. With half a sack he has more balls than everyone else. Rather than fight drug allegations, he told the USDA to bike over a cliff. Who can blame him? He’s already a champion and while they can determine which foods he can legally eat, they don’t make the decision to take his titles away. That’s the University of California, Irvine’s job. Was it a bad thing he took drugs? Sure. Look at professional wrestling. Once the steroids came into use, the entire sport became fake. But this is Lance Armstrong, and he should have drug-fueled guns to hold onto his handlebars with.

Neil walked on the moon. Let us not fall prey to ridiculous conspiracy theories about a faked lunar landing. Sadly, it’s obvious that NASA had him killed over his objection to the Mars rover. He proved that man, not machines, should be walking through the solar system. Instead we get a tent made of candy bar wrappers and golf clubs, built on wheels.  You cannot battle aliens with a roll of aluminum foil. A veteran of the Lunar Wars, Neil Armstrong had to swing a mallet, in space with gravity against him, in order to launch extra-terrestrials into orbit (DING!), so they could be the first to plant their flags. We won, you grey/green bastards.

However, I believe in compromise. I propose a new doping program for our astronauts, one in which we create Armstrong Schwarzenneger, an elite space Marine, who can throw hammers and breath fire at his opponents, all while riding a unicycle. Now I need to go work on some design plans.  

Daily Quote 08/25/2012

"I am become Death, destroyer of worlds!"  —Xzar the Mad Wizard

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baldur%27s_Gate_series

Daily Quote 08/12/2012

"Farewell, happy fields, where joy forever dwells! Hail, horrors! Hail, infernal world!"  —John Milton

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradise_Lost

Paul Ryan Selected As Romney's Running Mate After AIDS Diagnosis

I want you to ask yourself how much you knew about Paul Ryan before August 11th, 2012. Of course, everybody is now an expert since he's been selected as a VP candidate. In fact, my blog traffic has quadrupled since posting this entry, as everyone hurriedly rushed to the startling health revelation. Sure, I made it up, just like the amount of increased traffic to my site thanks to an article on him I am currently writing, but that's just my point. None of you, including Wisconsin, knew who he was, except for 40-year-old Republicans who listen to Rush Limbaugh. The same thing happens with every candidate that pops up for the race. I seriously doubt anyone ever said, "I hope Paul Ryan is chosen as Mitt's VP." The same thing went for Biden. No one knew about Obama, his record, of that he wasn't really a US citizen, let alone who he was going to choose as a running mate.

According to my research (one ABC News article) Paul Ryan is gay-friendly, acknowledging that they were born that way and it's not a choice, which I'm sure came as a relief to soul-searching homosexuals asking why they were that way. Remember the Bill Clinton footage where he stopped into McDonald's to get fries? Picture Paul Ryan stopping into Chick-fil-a with a gay secret serviceman, declaring that they will have to serve both of them, or none. The president of the company makes a statement that all Americans have a right to good service, which will probably piss off all non-Americans. See how this works?

Or maybe he was selected because his name is similar to Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, and Ben Affleck, combined!) The jury's out.

Daily Quote 08/07/2012

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."  —Western Union

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_Union