Every Holiday Should Follow a Drinking Code

I was thinking the other day about how everyone has to drink a green beer on St. Patty's and that it would be awesome to do the same thing for other holidays we observe. For instance, Independence Day here in the States (or anywhere else) could have a layered cocktail with red, white and blue (or your country's flag colors); or just a PBR? But then I realized that Columbus Day celebrates a tyrannical colonizer who had the natives dismembered and that drinking a red beer to remember the shedding of their innocent blood could be confused with honoring the actions against them. Memorial Day would also be confusing, since I'm not sure if we should drink to honor the fallen of the North, South, or both, during the Civil War. The wars thereafter are clear enough, but being born in a neutral state and descended from people who fought on both sides makes it difficult to choose. I guess I could mix two beers, but that sounds gross. Speaking of gross, all of those pumpkin beers could just as easily represent Halloween and Thanksgiving. My point is that something fun and festive is, as usual, ruined by people wanting to be politically correct. I get that it's offensive to honor Christopher Columbus (it really is), and I also get that Thanksgiving is a huge exaggeration of a historical event, and that Christmas celebrates the birth of someone who had the ridiculous idea that everyone should be treated with love and mutual respect, etc., etc., but you're ruining my good time and I just can't ever decided what to drink anymore, so I hope my choices piss you off.     

I will be drinking this to honor

 Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Gays Don't Cause Natural Disasters: A Study

Some guy in the UK said flooding was caused by a gay marriage vote. I looked this up on the web because I thought it would be funny if there was even the slightest, statistical correlation; there wasn't. Of the top ten states for natural disasters, only two allow gay marriage, California (2nd) and New York (4th). The other eight will probably allow it in a thousand years; probably. Texas topped the list, followed by a bunch of southern states and Oklahoma. It wouldn't surprise me if in the future all of the gays are rounded up and sent there, renamed Oklahomasexual (don't blame me for people's lack of creativity.) I guess they could relocate all of the Indians to Indiana. But I digress. In short, natural disasters are caused by God and his dissatisfaction with people, but he has shown us no evidence it has to do with homosexuals, but rather rednecks, especially in Texas; God hates Texas.

  May cause natural disasters.

The Professor and the Soldier

It is rather odd when two very similar people die in the same week, but I unfortunately have to report both.

First, the professor from Gilligan's Island passed away. Russel Johnson was 89. It was often said that he could make anything out of coconuts, but couldn't patch a hole in a boat, but don't forget he was stuck on a tropical island with Mary Ann and Ginger, so looks like he knew what he was doing. What most people don't know is he fought in World War II, flying 44 combat missions, before being shot down over the Philippines. He was honorably discharged. He would also appear in two episodes of The Twilight Zone and one episode of The Outer Limits.

"I was shot down by a Japanese soldier."

Second, the last man to stop fighting World War II passed away. Hiroo Onoda was 91. You may have never heard of him, but from 1944 until 1974, he avoided capture, hiding out on an island in the Philippines, until the Japanese finally sent his old commander to go in and inform him the war had concluded 30 years ago and he now needed to decide if he wanted to make automobiles or electronics for the rest of his life. In true, anti-social fashion, he moved to Brazil and started a cattle ranch, I presume in order to battle aliens who stole his animals for strange experiments, and we can thank him for the decrease in cattle mutilations.  

"I shot down an American soldier."

Russell Johnson Obituary
Hiroo Onoda Obituary

I Still Think Reddit is Retarded

I've been giving reddit another chance, due in part to a friend of mine telling me I really needed to check out the psychedelic rock sub-reddit. I checked out a few other ones, too, but those are just as lame. To begin with, it does nothing but nurture people's need for online validation. Whenever you talk to people about it, they tell you their comment karma, like that somehow means something important. It might; to you. But I don't give a shit if someone upvotes what I say, and I usually post links to obscure psych songs, or occasionally respond to some lost moron who thinks their toaster is haunted because it popped up five seconds earlier than usual. Back tot he psychedelic rock sub, there are maybe a handful of people on there who post interesting videos, and some of the admins seem cool. Everyone else is too busy posting Tame Impala and the Flaming Lips videos, like no one who listens to psychedelic rock has heard of them. Worse, people upvote it, like they're in agreement that they couldn't find access to either band, simply by turning on a psych radio station. It's like saying you love heavy metal and your favorite band is Metallica; you don't. I might continue, but I might now. I have to ask myself if it's worth wading through the typical, unoriginal bullshit just to get to some decent new music, or should I take my chances on Youtube?

I saw Beast in the Field last night. 

Have I Mentioned How Awesome Stake Land (2010) Is?

It's no secret I like horror films. It might surprise you that I have a weakness for vampire hunter films, myself an avid slayer before having my license revoked several years ago. But there's more to this film than just that.

I never watch a film more than once in a year, unless someone else is watching it, I fell asleep, or it rules. I've watched this film three times on the past year and have now seen it five times. I own it, the soundtrack, a British movie poster of it, and to be completely honest, hope that there is a sequel to it in 2020.

What's it about you ask?

Kicking vampire ass. If you like those coming of age, end of the world films like Terminator 2: Judgement Day, and Patrick Swayze minus the romantic subplots he forced on us, then you'll love this film and now have no excuse not to see it. It's available for streaming in Netflix, but you might as well buy it. Additionally, there are 7 webisode prequel shorts from Glass Eye Pix, none of which are available in my country, so I decided to sidestep and list them here thanks to some other film company uploading them. I encourage you to watch the short films after the film, but if you're an Antisocial reader, you'll probably ignore me. 

Origins

Belle

Jebedia

Willie

Sister

Martin

Mister

You're 26% conservative, 74% liberal.

I took this quiz by Time. Those were my result, but the only problem is I do whatever the hell I want. I think a lot of people do, so these Conservative and Liberal categories are nothing short of forced choice. My responses are in parentheses.  

Liberal qualities
You like fusion cuisine (I'm not a rich, white person, so I barely know what this is.)
You think it's okay for your partner to look at porn alone (Or when she's with me.)
You use a modern browser (Chrome.)
You wish there were no countries (Only because I don't want to pay for a passport.)
You prefer the Met to Times Square (Museums are quieter and fewer people bother you.)
You're not completely proud of your country's history (My ancestors killed my ancestors.)

Conservative qualities
You like dogs more than cats (Cats are useless pets; ore on this tomorrow.) 
You prefer action movies to documentaries (Too many documentaries revolve around the director.)
You think kids should respect authority (The kids I see today should have been beaten.)
You like a neat desk (Only at work, otherwise I don't care.)
You think self-control trumps self-expression (If self-expression trumped self-control, I'd be in prison.)
You think the government should treat the lives of its citizens as much more valuable than those of other countries (If I'm going to be robbed every paycheck, I expect to get something in return.)

Now take it yourself, or not:

http://science.time.com/2014/01/09/can-time-predict-your-politics/

Starbucks Ain't Got Nothin' On This!

How do I explain this? First, we have coffee beans. Then we have the Asian palm civet. I doubt you know what that is, and I don't feel comfortable telling you it's a jungle cat, that looks more like a rat, or ferret, or possum, or even a raccoon. So this cat eats the coffee beans, and then shits them out. Next, some unlucky bastard gets to pick through their shit, selecting the choicest beans, packaging them, and selling them as Kopi Luwak. It's an Indonesian premium blend, and by premium, it's supposedly sells for $3000 a kilo, and by blend, as I've explained, it's blended with jungle cat shit. 

But I know what you're thinking, not all of us are wealthy enough to afford that. For just a third of the price, Black Ivory Coffee is slowly processed in the bowels of elephants for up to three days, before dropping in a big, steaming pile and ready for shipment. There's that old adage here at the Anti-Social Club that goes something like "rich people would eat their own feces if you charged them enough" and it certainly is close. 

So the next time you decide to bash people for frequenting over-priced coffee shop, just remember that you could be at home, ingesting the beans yourself, plucking them from your toilet, and starting the next biggest trend. 

Republicans have the best coffee.

Cat Shit Wiki

Elephant Shit Wiki

Projectile Dysfunction

I've seen projectile vomit in movies before. The most notable would be the Exorcist, but who could forget Gordie Lechance’s short story in Stand By Me? For an interesting connection, in the Exorcist, Regan warns the astronaut that he will die in space (he doesn't) and Gordie went to space aboard the USS Enterprise (although his name was taken by another lover of literature and former escaped slave, I presume in exchange for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow). But gratuitous film and TV references aside, I have finally experienced this phenomenon for myself.

After doing some plumbing yesterday after work, I retired early and was asleep by 9 PM. Having slept but two hours, I was brutally awakened when my bed-mate’s demonic entity decided to hurl on my arm. Unsure of what had just transpired, I sat up, thankful the electric blanket was unscathed, turned to her, and gave her the wtf face. She apologized, slid out of bed, but not before allowing me to bear witness to the esophageal wonder, this time in the middle of the bed. It was mostly liquid, but had some mystery chunks, like in a fish tank. She shed a few tears from embarrassment, and then gave me an encore performance, again, onto the bed. Moving quickly, I pulled the bed sheet up. It had soaked through, but luckily the mattress cover stopped it dead in its tracks  (thank you, Christopher Adams 1800 series.) While in the bathroom, under the shower renewing my tainted flesh, I missed a finale on the kitchen floor, which I also got to clean up.

A load of laundry later, washed and dried, sheets were back on the bed and I was snoozing again, eventually going into work three hours later than usual, because a man needs his sleep. I don’t think this experience was really worth it, and unless you have an odd fetish, I suggest you observe only via other media. Sure, it’s awesome to see it live, but not when you are an unsuspecting victim. This is also an example of why switching from healthy eating to fast food is not always a wise decision and that you should listen to your body when it tells you it can’t handle something. A bucket now sits nearby, just in case.

Archaeologists will one day uncover

 my blog and pay tribute.

The Polar Vortex Wasn't Caused by Climate Change

It was caused by aliens. 

In the latest push for people to sound more intelligent than others, everyone is mocking people who keep saying the polar vortex is proof global warming isn't real, while on the other hand talking about how the polar vortex is due to global warming. You're both wrong; neither side is right. Yes, everyone agrees the planet is warming and they're pretty sure it's influenced by human activities (i.e. your very existence.) If you disagree, you're arguing against a large group of people who know what they're talking about and have been saying this for a long time and for whatever reason the politicians are listening to them now. But politicians claiming it's all a hoax are usually the kind you only vote for because you agree about one or two issues. Michelle Bachman, Todd Akin, and all the other tards think whatever isn't hurting anyone is bad, and whatever is is really a hoax. Al Gore is no better with his ridiculous estimations that we'd be living in Waterworld right now. Polar vortexes happen and have happened for a long time. I had never heard the term until this month. I said it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I don't know everything. There's nothing wrong with Googling. Most people do it all the time to try and look smart, only they're ashamed to admit they didn't know something. The media's dumb; they usually don't Google anything before covering it and pretending they know what they're talking about. Stop letting them be your brains. 

Obamacare and Why You Should Worry About the NSA

Obamacare "got the ball rolling" according to all of my doctors, but none of them like it. Not sure if that's a good thing or bad. You should worry about the NSA if you're a terrorist, or an avid porn hobbyist that one day wants to run for political office. It also sucks they're spying on everyone, but nobody cares apparently. 
No, this blog post had nothing much to do with Obamacare, but I must confess, the fact that so many people don't care their government is spying on them serves them right. The NSA relentlessly watched my posting history on several social networks only to conclude they were wasting tax payer's money, because no one cares about the conspiracies I was unraveling. 
So what if Barack Obama and Pope Francis really are the two beasts from the book of Revelations? These guys can do whatever they want without criticism from everyone but right-wing, fundamentalists, who in the end will get to say, "I told you so." God, I hope I die first. But that's the beauty of appropriating old texts to modern day. You can make anything fit and I've done it convincingly. People cannot tell if I'm joking or not and it honestly doesn't matter. In the end, I get to say, "I told you so."

"Charles Darwin ain't got nothin' on me!"

Tablet Update

I've been trying to update daily all of my antisocial ramblings and the one thing I'm certain of, besides the record breaking length of this sentence, is that updating from a tablet does indeed suck. Randomness is our friend.

The Brutally Honest Horror Scope

This horoscope was written a long time ago and I'm tired of people passing it around, censoring it, and getting the damn dates wrong to boot. 

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. 

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. 

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. 

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. 

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. 

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. 

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards. 

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 23) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. 

Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. 

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. 

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of crap. 

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Marijuana Fumes Cause Global Warming

It amazes me that a substance, such as marijuana, is illegal in our country for no reason whatsoever, yet people still trust their government's every word. There's a lot of bullshit going on in our governments. No, I'm not just talking about the United States, but every government in the world. Lobbyist are paying off politicians to side with their interests and laws are passed because of these payoffs. Think I'm talking about conspiracy? Ask yourself why file-sharing music is illegal? 

The answer is because the Recording Industry of America's members, Universal, Warner, and Sony, got bent out of shape over lost profits, inflated them, and then declared war on the people of the United States judicial system, in effect changing laws. I'm not going to get into what's right and wrong about file-sharing because you should already know it. But there used to be five major labels. Then four. And now three. Consolidation is a good thing, right? Monopolies are illegal, but I've got a feeling when there are two big labels, the government won't be so quick about doing anything about it. Wait and see. 

Hannibal Lecter on drums. 

I Only Listen To Contemporary Christian Polka Music

There are way too many people in the world who think their opinions matter; their opinions are wrong. When it comes to music, which is a form of art, you can't pretend to be a critic when you listen to only one genre (or maybe one genre and all related genres.)Music constantly builds off of previous music, just like paintings build off of previous experiences. Saying you only listen to one genre of music and then forcing your opinions about music off on someone is like saying you don't like the color yellow in paintings. So do us all a favor and stop walling yourself in, or shut up and stop waiting our time with your reviews of something you hate because you think everyone else in your scene will, too. 

This artist sucks.

Review: Covington-opoly

You may have seen knock-offs of Monopoly before, but this is a licensed version, based on the city I was born and raised in, Covington, KY. Every time I go back to Covington I think to myself, damn, this place gets worse each and every time. I blame a lot of it on city government, which has gone out of their way to do nothing for the people trying to make it a decent place to live, but have instead handed money over to people who want to buy properties at ridiculously low rates, flip them, and then charge so much that no one from the city can afford to live in them. 

The game is the same way. It's the same Monopoly, only they've replaced properties with real ones from Covington. Some are historic places, but the "well known landmarks" are businesses that have been there for a few years, no one from the city uses them, or even knows they exist, and I'm pretty sure paid for them like an advertising spot. If you want a real Covington version of Monopoly, 3 of the 4 sides should be abandoned houses, drug and prostitution apartments, or vacant lots, you should lose money every time you pass go, and there would be no Chance cards. 

Covington-opoly represents all of the transplants that have taken over select neighborhoods of the city. Basically, they weren't high enough on the social ladder in their neighborhood because they didn't make enough money, so instead they moved as close to the business district as possible, investing in business opportunities for others like them, so that they can be the new rich people in town. If you loved Covington so much you would wipe that stupid smile off your face and not insult us with your North Face jacket and expensive running shoes. Get lost. 

 Yes, someone really makes these postcards. 

Paranormal Shows Rule

If one believes in the paranormal or not is irrelevant when it comes to enjoying shows about them. I normally have them on Friday, because they tend to marathon them and they make for great background noise while I'm doing laundry and various chores. You might be scoffing, or rolling your eyes, but have you ever read the plot synopsis? 

The Haunted: "House of the Rising Dead" (TV-PG,V,L)(2010) New Homeowner in New Orleans make alarming discoveries during repair work, including tarot cards (wait for it) and human remains.

A Haunting: "The Unleashed" (TV-PG,V,L)(2006) A man unearths an Indian burial ground, and demons turn on his family and threaten their lives. 

Insanislupus Chronicles: "The Dragon Slayer" (TV-MA,D,L,S,V)(2014) A Chinese family unearths a dragon's lair in their basement and it reigns terror on their village, demanding human sacrifice and virgins. Insanislupus is called to investigate, but discovers no virgins in the village. 

 No match for the Anti-Social Club. 

Your Beard Looks Stupid

I can't grow a beard. It instead looks like I'm growing one for six months. I don't like shaving, but looking like a homeless drifter doesn't really suit me most of the time, so I shave occasionally. Could I grow one, I'd totally rock it, but I'm not waiting an entire year for the damn thing to grow in full. 

Beards are currently in style, and a bunch of feminized men have taken it upon themselves to declare that having a beard makes you a real man. Pft. Yeah, tell that to all of the police officers, firemen, EMTs, soldiers, etc. all or most of which do not have beards due to regulations. 

If you grow a beard because you want one, great. If you grow a beard because you hate shaving, even greater. If you're growing a beard to be cool, you're not. Stop. 

There are three beards in ZZ Top.  

Stop Complaining About the Weather

It's winter. When it's winter, it gets colder than the rest of the year. That's more or less the definition of winter. There's no need to let us all know on the various social networks that it's cold or that it's snowing. That normally comes with winter. 

"According to Facebook, I'm seeing

increased temperatures in the north."

Men Are Better Than Women at Tennis

Karsten Braasch, from Germany, defeated both Serena and Venus Williams. You've probably never heard of him, which is fine, because he's one of the worst male tennis players ever. However, he's better than two of the best female tennis players ever. He rules. 

Thankful to be playing women again.

2014

"War puts a man through many, many changes." - David Frazier

Ragnarok will be here on February 22nd. Not sure if time zones matter. But you've been warned. 

Yesterday my blog reached a milestone. I wanted to have readers in 60 countries before the end of the year, you know, because it's such a nice, round number, and in true anti-social fashion, we picked up a total of 61. But I'll be short. 2013 sucked, and apparently it's cool now to say the previous year sucked, but unfortunately, the number of deaths among friends and family, my personal financial situation I'm just now climbing out of, and the fact that it just didn't go anywhere near as planned made it crap. I'm going to make this year much better, with or without everyone else. 

A random picture of Ving Rhames.