Sunglasses

Sunglasses don't make you cool, except maybe one person and that was for a music video. Guess what? You're not them and it's not the 80's. Grow up and get a life. It's not the shades themselves, but the way the person acts when wearing them.

Record a friend of yours without for about fifteen minutes and then record them with. Did you notice the change? How could you not? They move from average Joe to a cross between Günther and the Terminator. Let me correct myself; Günther and the T-101 look awesome in sunglasses, each capturing one aspect of awesomeness. Günther is cool and suave; the T-101 is tough and deadly. You look like a douche trying to be all of the above. Your movements switch between a famous entertainer to looking for Sarah Connor, only it's obvious you're pretending and no one is impressed. Below are a few rules to help you improve.

Be wary of these pitfalls that are only okay in specific situations:

                On your forehead if your hands are full.

                On the tip of your nose if you're trying to see better. 

                On your collar if you're done wearing them.

                On a cord around your neck if you play baseball.

It is okay to wear sunglasses inside when:

                You just came from outside and your eyes are adjusting.

                It is exceptionally bright, like at a sporting event.             

                Your significant other beats you.

                You are hung over.

                You are blind.

It is okay to wear sunglasses at night when:

                You keep getting blinded by headlights and streetlights.

                You have a legit medical condition that requires them.

                You're going to assault your significant other.

                You are Corey Hart.

                You are blind.

Also, everyone can tell when you're staring at them with the damn things on. Not only is your head perfectly aligned with their line of sight, the darkness of the lenses lessens when light is coming from the other side. You're not slick and it's still rude. Stop it. 

The Olympics Are Stupid and So Are You: An Appeal and the Return of Willie Lomax

I can empathize with having a rough day at work (we’ve all been there,) going home and unwinding in front of the tube with a beer (there, too,) and finding nothing on (there is no God!) We flip through the channels, repeatedly, until finally deciding on something we will practically ignore. It beats suicide, except when I don’t like you. But unless you don’t have cable and are stuck with the same four channels on your black-and-white, turn-knob television, there is no excuse for watching the 2012 Summer Olympics.

Don’t be a dumbass. What Olympic sports do you actually like? You get a pass if it’s a sport you actually play, played, had friends and relatives that do, or always wanted to, but realized you sucked at it, so decided to give it up before you started. In fact, the only person I have ever known that could play every Olympic sport is none other than Willie Lomax, the humble and wise sage who hangs out at Blank’s Pharmacy in Covington, handing out words of wisdom and offering to sell watches, made from his own (discredited) gold medals, at the discounted price of $2. If only he was still eligible. If only. 

Outside of that, there’s no excuse to tune in to all the other sports you don’t like and honestly, you’re giving ratings to something that is interrupting your regularly scheduled broadcast. On a side note, domestic abuse goes up whenever the Olympics are on because people cannot tune into their favorite shows. Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but if you want to keep complaining about having to watch the Olympics, stop ensuring it’s return every four years.